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It's as if my mind has two sides, and one side is being viciously suppressed by the other. I don't know what it is, and I hope it's normal.
Many of you that know me know that I am normally happy, energetic, shy, nice to a fault, etc., but honestly, that's only half of it. Beyond everything that you see is another side of me that hopefully will never be shown. The side of me that is violent, hateful, twisted, and sick. The side that has developed for unknown reasons over the course of my life, the side that continues to grow. It comes out at those times that I love to be afraid, love to be in pain, fully embrace my rage. I guess it developed over the years that I suppressed every inch of anger, every moment of sadness, until it all would come out at once. Sadly, I believe that moment is coming. Recently I have been trying to avoid this by slowly letting out my anger, but sometimes it takes over and I end up letting it out on others, mostly my sister. I don't really mean to do it, and I want to apologize for things that I do to her. It affects my thoughts, keeps me awake at night, changes my character almost completely. It's one aspect of my shyness, the fear that something I do will trigger it. I'm not completely sure how to describe it much more. It makes me enjoy fear, enjoy anger, enjoy sadness, enjoy pain. It wants to watch everything burn, wants to watch people die, wants to see everything fall. It makes me violent, makes me hateful, makes me sick and twisted, makes me sadistic.
But I love it.
And I don't know why.
I just don't know.
 TooHyphy · Sun Feb 01, 2009 @ 08:32am · 0 Comments |
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