Loz didn't notice the first time he killed a man. The Dual Hounds roared and lunged, and he twisted, a boot to his opponent's chest. The man landed in a boneless heap, still and silent; turned away, cheek pressed to the training mat. Loz left him for the medics to recover, like they always did, and went to play with his brothers.
They slipped up and told him later. Kadaj, perched on the edge of the steel and chrome hospital trolley, suddenly stopped talking and leant forward, his strange eyes intense and full of an emotion that Loz couldn't read. The medic whose tongue had slipped turned a strange shade of grey that made Yazoo tilt his head, a wicked curve to the corner of his lips. Loz looked from one to another, not really understanding whether he should be proud or not and feeling a confused bubble of possible reactions, none of which he was certain were the publicly required ones.
When Kadaj's sudden leap slammed the trolley back into the wall hard enough to crack the plaster, Loz jumped almost as high as the shuddering medic. He stared in hurt confusion as his littlest brother stalked stiff-backed away down the corridor, slamming a passing lab tech against the wall with a disgracefully offhand shove of one palm.
Yazoo gave him a look, head tilted and eyes mocking. Then he turned and walked away, not even bothering to avoid the lab tech still pulling himself to his feet. The man scrambled ungracefully out of the SOLDIER's path, scrabbling like a crab into a nearby doorway. It left Loz alone with the loose-tongued medic, who fussed with his clipboard and refused to meet his eyes.
"Y-you did well," the man mumbled eventually before he too scurried away, vanishing into a nearby lab and closing the door firmly behind him.
Loz stared for a while at the unmoving door, then turned on his heel, a scowl pulling suddenly at his features. The fallen lab tech scooted out his way as he passed and Loz didn't even notice when he stepped on the hem of the man's lab coat.
***
They were always sent out on missions together. It was how they worked best.
The missions were furtive, isolated and top-secret, not that any of them realised it at the time. They were not to understand their true isolation until much, much later. Even then, they were to view their release through a warped and distorted mirror of their own half-dreamed ideals.
It was on one such mission that they made their first kill together. This time though, each and every one of them, including the renegade SOLDIER they had been sent out to hunt, saw the moment coming and savoured it. They stood over the dying man and watched the relief fade from his pale eyes, their limbs shaking with adrenaline and exultation. Loz turned to his youngest brother and this time Kadaj grinned wide. Yazoo, turning with a toss of his hair gave a pale smile and wiped a spot of blood from Kadaj's cheek.
Loz smiled all the way home and only cried later when Hojo told them sternly that they'd taken too long.
***
Loz doesn't remember the first time he ever had sex, or if he does, he certainly doesn't label it as such.
Loz's first time took him by surprise, which in itself wasn't much of a shock for a man brought up on battle and training and men whose only thought was how fast, how strong, how smart they were. It came in the form of an after hours encounter with one of the female lab techs who had hovered in the background of his training for months.
She gave him his injection, measured his pulse and his blood pressure, then hesitated once before leaning in to kiss him. Loz didn't think it was an attack, not as such, but he was more than a little confused as to what it was she was doing exactly. She guided him through his confusion and once he seemed to overcome his initial alarm, showed him what he was expected to do. Taking his large hands in hers she showed him how to touch, and where, and also which bits were the best involved in such endeavours.
For all he was an avid learner, he felt a curious detachment throughout the entire process, one which was barely eliminated even by the blinding white of climax. He helped her to her feet afterwards and straightened her clothes for her, handing her clipboard back to her at the end. Then he nodded carefully and was gone on his way back to his brothers so quickly he never saw the resignation in her eyes.
He told Yazoo about the encounter in an odd roundabout way, some days later.
"That one," he said, pointing to her with his chin. "We played together."
Yazoo looked across the lab, over the tangle of recording equipment and computer displays and blinked in brief incomprehension. "Why?" he asked guilelessly.
"She started it," Loz said defensively. "And anyway, I didn't like her game. It felt funny."
And then he frowned and stared hard at the floor as Yazoo turned to regard him with narrowed eyes.
"Don't tell Kadaj that," Yazoo said eventually. "He wouldn't like you playing with other people."
Loz scowled and kicked at the wheel of the trolley with one foot. "Don't you tell him then," he growled defensively.
Yazoo's smirk was mocking before he turned away. "I won't," he said simply.
Across the lab the technician looked up and her eyes caught Yazoo's. She stiffened at what she saw there, freezing like a startled deer, and picking up her clipboard, fled the lab.
"Don't think she'll want to play again, anyway," Yazoo said softly and Loz sniffed and scowled.
***
The incident that Loz does remember as his first time happened two days later. Two days during which time Loz frequently came upon Yazoo and Kadaj seemingly deep in conversation, only to have them stop suddenly at his arrival. Yazoo would smirk and Kadaj would stare at him openly, with that feral challenging gaze that he usually reserved for Hojo. It made Loz sniffle until the tears welled up in his eyes, spilling down his cheeks and onto his chest, and Kadaj laughed, bright and high and full of delight.
It confused Loz, because he liked the sound of Kadaj's laughter, but he wasn't so sure he liked the fact that his own tears seemed to be provoking it. Finally, on that evening two days later as Yazoo rolled his eyes and tossed him a tissue, he stamped his boot hard against the floor and clenching his fists demanded to know exactly what Kadaj found so damned funny.
Yazoo sighed into the sudden silence, drawing his arms in tight to his chest as Kadaj stared, his eyes wide and bright in the gloom of their quarters. Staring into that pitiless gaze, for Loz had absolute understanding of his brother's sincere cruelty, he began to lose confidence in the wisdom of his challenge. The moments stretched, until Kadaj smiled suddenly and rolled his eyes, the casual dismissal of Loz's transgression making the room seem physically brighter.
"Yazoo and I were just discussing a new game," he said sweetly. "Do you want to play?"
Nodding hurriedly, Loz looked from one brother to the other. Yazoo laughed softly, and Kadaj grinned.
"Come here then," Kadaj said. "Kneel down."
Loz did as he was told, and then Kadaj kissed him. Not long after, he felt Yazoo's fingers trailing across his shoulders, and the gentle touch of the other youth's hair across his neck.
Holding his brothers felt odd outside of battle and their usual roughhousing, but it filled him with an aching pressure deep in the pit of his belly that spiked with every gasp Kadaj made beneath his palms. The touch of his brothers' skin upon his own in ways and places never before experienced made him shudder, and when Yazoo pressed back against him, slick and panting, he was almost astonished at the cry that escaped the other youth's lips. He felt the hot spill of him across his palms and his fingers tightened in the bed sheets as Kadaj's teeth grazed his hip seconds later.
It was a strange, if sweet, experience. For all its occasional awkwardness it felt right, deeply so, and this was a feeling that carried through the encounter from the moment Kadaj's lips touched his own to the point at which the three of them lay panting and spent across Yazoo's bed.
Indeed, for all the sticky wetness and uncomfortable positions, Loz felt that the entire thing had been a ridiculously long time in the discovery. It was indeed a pity that none of them had thought of it sooner.
"I like that game," he said quietly, a declaration which made Yazoo smirk and Kadaj laugh.
This is for Yazzy since I know she would be one to enjoy it
