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I feel the need to ponder aloud tonight....for I have much on my mind and my brain seems to be functioning in its philosophical and sane way...

But what to ponder on, ah, I know...my problems as of late....my strain to keep up, and my secret identity....bear with me as I try to add these things up to make sense...for I fear I may quit as I often do when it comes to my real life...

So I find myself struggling to keep up in school, and wish to tell, but I feel the need not to tell of my real life on Gaia and instead make senseless lies when my true identity feels threatened. Such as if one asks me for a picture or my real name (whom I have only revealed to some whom still know me simply as "Age Shintome" wink I wonder, am I merely hiding behind the alias of Age. But before I can know that, I shall answer my own thoughts, by telling why I am fearful for my true self to leak out. Well, simply, I suppose it has to do with the fact that I hate myself, not in all ways of coarse, but my thoughts, my surroundings, and my weaknesses for they are many. Gaia, is my sweet getaway, from life and the problems it brings, and here I can express my thoughts and ideas to be used, it is a release for my creativity which balls itself inside me. But I fear that for my hate of real life I am trying to craft a life within Gaia to which I am confided in and wish to actually live in. Oh, how nice it would be if we lived in a world that was similar to how gaia worked, or how cursed! For human life is never satisfied, and then I would only wish to live in the world which I do here and now. I apologize to whomever might be reading this, I fear I may be running in circles or worse. I will try to simplify my very thoughts and get back on subject. Gaia is a place, for me, to which I can escape the reality of life, but in doing so, I tend to leave life behind me, to which many things suffer, such as personal relationships, professional relationships, my grades and studies, and the like. I love Gaia, though I feel I am never on enough, because I can have goals which I believe I can see accomplished. For I fear to set goals in this life, for I fear I will give up, quit as I so often do for my fate often seems inevitable. For I confide in you, whomever you are, that I fear my real life, my future, moving on scares me, though I dare not say it to any other whom truly knows me. For in the here and now, I fear I have no "real" friends, and thus no one to comfort me, that is why I confide in Gaia, for I have problems on here, that friends in here can help with, but I would never purposely make my "Gaian friends" bear the weight of my problems, because pride gets the best of us, even when it comes to being proud of having the worse life, and for comfort, I would lie and twist in a comforting "high" so to speak that I would not want to loose. I know that I would do this for I do it enough in this life of mine....

Perhaps I should just come right out and say my biggest problem, not to forse it on anyone, for that is why I am writing in my journal, for I do not know who might read it unless they comment, for if anyone feels the need to comment, I ask now that you show no pity, for my ego does not need stoking. So in my journal, I cannot twist, for I write honestly for now, even though my fears are begging me not to hit "submit." But I must! For I no not why, but I have to organize my thoughts, and to make them public so they may help others...

Anyhow, my peril. My true peril... I do not know what to make of my life after high school, yes, I am still in high school at the age of 19, for in the lower grades I was rebellious and, ah, I shouldn't lie or sugar-coat it, I was lazy! As I still am, but incentive has made me work, but now, as fear of the inevitable approaches now again, in my senior year, I grow weak, and tend to be lazy once again. For I loathe, for some reason, school, and just wish it to be over, but at the same time fear that ending. My future is uncertain, and I am balancing between an uncertain future of collage or the easy getaway of the service, both with the unfathomable ups and downs. I could always just bum out and waste my future, as my lazy path seems to be making, but No! I cannot do such a thing! I have seen that path and the worse it can get, and never shall I return! So it comes to a choice, and each choice just makes me have to make more choices. It is time to decide where my fate will lead me, and only I can do it! Oh, how I hate this danged responsibility!!! Why did I ever accept to grow older, but if it was not that I had a choice in the matter, no? But yes! I could have ended my life a number of times, but alas, God has seen this in my future and allowed for an event to scare me from it, for I know the depth of pain suicide brings on all. But would it not be better for me to do it now, for less to hurt, for I fear my future actions, and do not wish to bear my fathers image. But before I throw pity on myself and start searching for sorries, I will say that I have no plans on ending my nor anyone else's life. Though a choice it will always be, it is bound by chain and mortar, for I am too cowardly, or caring to go through with such grimaces.

But I grow tired now, and wish to shower and sleep so as not to become drowsy tomorrow in class. I will trust that no one shall make a big deal out of this entry, and I tell you to look in my past entries for much joy, or to which I hope, for I fear I am not as clever as I would like to be...I am leaving this entry public so to give all of Gaia a clue to the real me...although I find confidence that my journal is rarely visited, but I suppose I should not, for if it is so, then this entry is useless in it's entirety.

Well, goodnight friends, and with that, I feel as though I shall sign with my real name, though it sinks my heart, I feel that the closer I am to putting two worlds together, the more I can control my actions, and fears in each. Good bye all and goodnight!

-Alec Spencer