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I saw the sunrise again today. But it was from the wrong side, after remaining awake all night. Somehow watching the dawn feels better when you're just getting out of bed, bunny slippers on and cats trying to trip you on your way to the kitchen. At least, that's how it is for me, minus the slippers.
I hate it, though. I hate being awake at night. One might enjoy it at first, but it quickly becomes lonely. The house in silent and empty, only the noises you make to keep you company. Even the animals are asleep. Or, if not, they just beg for food. You scrounge up meals yourself at inappropriate times. What's worse, is that the meals become excessive after too many nights alone. You start to think, "Why shouldn't I bother? I don't have anything better to do. There's no way I can get to sleep after all."
Yet you start wanting sleep. You get tired staring at your inbox, expecting someone to message you when you're the only one awake at this god awful hour. Hell! You even stare at your cell phone, wanting a certain person to call or any person, even if it's the wrong number; just so you know there's life out there beyond the walls of your room.
You spend the day sleeping. The chores pile up. The dog makes a mess you need to clean, ripping up clothes and paper. And you just can't help but stop and wonder why you don't make it better for yourself. It's not that difficult to go out there and get a job. You have applications or internet addresses where you can apply for work online.
But the fear of the real world makes you stop, huh? That fear that it'll never work out for you. That you'll end up like your parents. That college isn't the answer. You won't get the dream job you want. You'll struggle to meet what you need for bills and throw the rest into a jar and tell your family it's for trips, vacations... to a city two hours away.
So you remain, huddled in your room, reading books obsessively because at least life in those pages is safer than the real world. The depression and fear eats away at you. Friends are few and far in-between and that the ones you do have are too selfish to realize that something may be wrong, that maybe they caused part of the depression you feel right now. And even the ones that do ask you... you're too reserved to tell them anything. You prefer to chat about comedians, manga, TV shows, or just the classes you want to take at a college you don't go to. Anything to keep people, keep the world, at arm's length so you don't get hurt, so you don't fail and so you can be safe in your room, wishing you could tell someone and resorting to babble on the computer.
I hate it.
 Risika13 · Thu Sep 20, 2007 @ 02:37pm · 1 Comments |
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