Have you ever hated someone so much you couldn't hate them at all? Some days, I wish I could hate my father. I wish I could stop caring. But he's my dad and I love him despite how much I wish I could hate him. I am so sick of feeling so inadequate. I am sick of feeling despair. Some people have told me just to let go of my anger and not judge. Others have told me that they couldn't blame me if I hated him. Others have told me that it's not his fault, it's the alcohol talking. Still other's have told me that he's an alcoholic and it's a disease, and it's not my fault. I have heard everything. To the first, I have let go of my anger and my judgement time and time again for over dozen years now, I have forgiven him time and time again, hoping it would be the last time, even though it never is, and knowing I'll take the blame because I need my father. To the second, I wish I could. In fact I am always on the brink of hating him, because the line between hatred and love has always been a thin one. To the third, there is never an excuse for abusing your children, physically or emotionally. Period. I don't give a s**t if he has no control over his actions because his brain is ******** up due to his alcohol. He is the only one who poured that poison down his throat, no one actually forced him to do it. He's got no excuse although he doesn't see it that way. It's everyone else's fault. That's how alcoholics think. To the fourth, I know. I know he's an alcoholic and that it's a disease. I know that it's not my fault but sometimes it's good to hear from others. I hate him for lying to me, but perhaps I should have been smart and checked or something. I don't know.
I have cried so much because of my father that I am tired of crying. I just want to be done. I don't know if he can ever make it right with me. If he can put his daughter, his only remaining child in front of his alcohol and cigarettes and apologize, if he can swallow his pride and just once tell me he's sorry, and admit that he ******** up without blaming me, maybe it will be a start. But at this rate, I doubt it.
 crypticxguide · Sat Aug 08, 2009 @ 10:32pm · 0 Comments |
