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Octopus Pie
I've realized I am nothing but a stranger.
I Make Goals...
And they fall through so quickly.

I fail so often and sometimes it's heartbreaking. The thing that is the most frightening is that I'm okay with being mediocre. I never thought I'd be one of those people who needed 'to find myself'. I thought it was cliche and often rather pointless because of how obvious it all seemed. Something people did to have a bigger d**k than their friends. Maybe I was jealous because people were knowing their own self better while I am still a stranger? And becoming more of a stranger every day?

I want to become so many things but I can't sit down and pick which one I really want to throw my entire being into. I juggle myself between music, acting, writing, drawing, and the idea that I shouldn't be anything dealing with art and literature if I want to survive. I'll dabble in so many different things but when it comes down to actual work, I d**k out. I don't know if I'm beginning to break through this.

I am sticking to things better than I have ever in my entire life. I've written 31 pages. That's about 15k and I know it isn't a lot but that's more than I have ever written and that is so sad for someone who claims wants to be a writer. My excuses are plenty for not just sitting down and write.

I don't read nearly as much as I used to, and I should, because one, I've missed reading, I really have, and two, I suck at writing. Plain and simple and bitter. The only way to improve is to read and write, read and write. I don't know what excuses I use to weasle out of doing those two things, but they always pop up so easily.

I have journals partly filled or missing pages that I have given up on. What is so hard about even keeping a journal? Half the time, I think every thing about me is boring. And there, I think, is another excuse. If it seems boring then I am writing boring. I can't keep waiting around for life experiences because then I'll never do anything, which isn't too much different from now.

Read and write, read and write. It's the only way to learn yet I still procrastinate. The mediocre side of me says to wait until I have life experience, but what to do in between? Wallow in boredom and failures? I can't just wait.

I start college next year. Such a pity that I'll have my first two years at a community college. It would be nice to be able to leave, but my stagnant life in studies have left me no other choice. I haven't even taken the SAT's or the ACT's yet. I could blame my parents, but I know, deep down it's my fault. I'm signed up for the SAT's but I need to stress to my dad that I need the study books.

A community college makes me feel even more so the failure and it will be my stigma that's with me forever because it is where I'll get my education. I want to continue my studies after community college, but to do what? Will I find out what I want to do in community college, or am I going to be blind until... until when?

Who am I?

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