"Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around during the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm me when I'm stuck in the midst of family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unfortunate consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after two A.M. Why would you make me call someone when I know for a fact that they do not want to hear me ramble at all hours of the night? Same thing goes for text messages.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that
I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine and topped off with a Kit-Kat after a few Cheese Curls and chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black and blue marks that mysteriously appear on my body the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Hangovers: Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3 P.M. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day was shot."
***** If anyone can finish this, you'll be my friend forever.
 Missy Wyvern · Sat May 12, 2007 @ 05:42am · 0 Comments |
