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On Being Hispanic and Confused |
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I've recently finished reading 'Border-Line Personalities: A Generation of Latinas Dish on Sex, Sass, and Cultural Shifting'
I really enjoyed the book. I'm still wary to call myself a Latina, as I feel there's an unwritten requisite which I'm sure I just don't meet, but after reading the book at least I know I'm not the only one that feels that way.
I've often felt out of place in my heritage as I don't really relate well to anyone around me. My sisters grew up before me and in a different atmosphere, and when I do talk to them there's a lot of situations and such that I can't relate to. Specifically from a Hispanic viewpoint, I guess I feel that they're closer to their Hispanic roots then I'll ever be. Granted, they may feel just as lost as I do, as I've never discussed it with them. I just know they know more of the language, which has always been a sore point for me. I barely know any of it, and I so want to. I've got to get back into school and continue my Spanish education. Me not knowing Spanish, that's one of the requisites I don't meet. The Spanish education I have had just reinforces the fact that I'm missing so much by not knowing the language. There are so many expressions and feelings that just don't translate, and I can't understand them. Even if I learn Spanish, I just might never understand these things, and that bothers me so much. And there's the language ties to my family.. I mean, I guess my grandmother doesn't only speak Spanish, but English definitely isn't her preference and I feel like I've missed out so much on knowing anything about her because of a language barrier. I've always been intimidated by that, and haven't properly tried to get to know her, which is my fault. I'm told my sisters were around her a lot, and I suppose they picked up a lot of Spanish from her, but I wasn't around, and didn't. I only see her during big family gatherings, which are rarer and rarer, and even so I'm always hesitant to attend. I can only gather so much about my family heritage from my parents. Even then, it's awkward to ask. I so very often feel like an outsider trying to break into my family.
This isn't anything new. All through school I never knew where I belonged. I distinctly remember entering middle school and being "too Hispanic" to properly fit in with the white clique, and "too white" to fit in with the Hispanic clique. I don't recall what being too white or Hispanic entailed, but it was very uncomfortable for a while. I just kind of drifted, luckily I found some friends and such, but it was a weird time. I always tried to ignore my heritage (is that the right word to use here?) in school, but I remember the issue springing up at weird times in my head, like during standardized tests. We have to check the box. The race box, I hated that box. I was told that by clicking Hispanic my test would be graded differently, and I didn't understand why. I was told I was likely to get a better score by clicking Hispanic (box 3, iirc), because I'd be graded easier. I didn't want to be graded easier, and I wasn't only Hispanic, I was white, too. My dad is half-white, half-German to be exact. I didn't want to ignore that, but I couldn't click two boxes, you've got to choose. Which culture do I choose? I see more Hispanic in my family then I see German, no doubt..but I didn't want to be graded easier, I wasn't stupid, I didn't want the advantage, I wanted to be like everyone else. That got in my head that being Hispanic meant you weren't smart. So, I often clicked the "white" box. That's a big, annoying question and a lot of pressure to have in an little kid's mind right before a test, or any time, really. Maybe I just always thought about things too hard, I don't know. I don't know if they actually graded it differently. If someone happens to know the grading procedure for standardized tests in Texas during 96-03, do tell.
There's also my other issues with being Hispanic..and I don't know where it comes from. I guess it might just be the semi-silent, but pervasive undercurrent in society which equates being Mexican, Latina/o, Hispanic, brown (etc) with being lazy. I really don't know why this is, it's hard to gauge this being in San Antonio, but I'd wager a (significant) bet that every culture has just as many damn lazy people. I didn't have to deal with this issue much, besides in my head, as I'm pretty light skinned. Which gave me a lot of white privledge, so I didn't have to deal with that much at all, really. I guess there were times in my life that I definitely wanted to make sure no one forgot that I had white in me, as I remember not wanting to go outside for long periods of time, or worrying about being in the sun too long cause I didn't want a tan. I thought it looked dirty. I was a little kid, I remember thinking that at 8 or something. Dirty? What? It seems really crazy now, especially with all these folks running off to pay for tans, that I could go get for free outside without burning...but I thought I would look unclean and people would think less of me, that's so horrible.
Only recently have I started experiencing "the look".. I get "the look" when a Hispanic person comes up to me, starts talking in Spanish and expects me to respond. Sometimes I can understand what they're saying and respond in English, which works out sometimes, I guess a lot of people are used to that. Other times I have to tell them, always sadly, that I don't speak Spanish. Sometimes they walk off smiling, but a lot of the time I get this annoyed, angry, or sometimes sad look and then they leave. I hate that. Not because, like so many people think, they don't know English. I don't care that they don't know English. I'm so cool with that. I'm just bothered that I don't know Spanish, and I feel that judging look. That, "I thought you were Hispanic" look...and the after disappointment. They probably don't think about it that long, but it bothers me for quite some time. Every time. I feel like I've let down my family, my heritage, and myself.
This turned into a big post, wow. I didn't mean to end it all sad like that. I'm not depressed, I'm just still struggling to know where I actually fit in all this. Hi, I'm Kim, I have dark, wavy Hispanic hair and brown eyes. My skin isn't really white, but my last name is. I don't know Spanish, but I now check Hispanic on every form I get.
 rionastar · Fri Sep 12, 2008 @ 07:03am · 1 Comments |
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