So Friday at school I overheard my best friend (forever) Jill talking about how she cuts herself sometimes.
I asked her why she would do that and what does it do.
She said she gets very depressed and it helps ease the pain.
It didn't make sense to me either, but then again a lot of things don't make sense to me.
Like swimming.
I don't understand swimming.
In my opinion swimming is just notdrowning.
I can notdrown on dry land just fine.
She told me if I ever felt horrible I should take up cutting, then she handed me a razor out of her pocket. "It's fine," she said. "I have plenty more at home."
"Just remember, regardless of what you read on the internet do not cut down the block. Be sure to just cross the street."
I didn't exactly know what she meant, but I nodded politely and pocketed the razor.
This was great.
I now had a fool-proof way to rid myself of pain.
I was livin life and it was good.
It was sunny today, so I decided to take my bike out for a spin.
I was cruisin.
There was hardly any traffic and I was hitting speed of at least a million miles an hour.
No two million.
Maybe even a billion.
I hit a rock.
A huge rock too; it was almost a mountain.
It came out of nowhere and caught me completely by surprise.
I rocketted off my bike at light speed.
Apparently going from a billion miles an hour to zero miles an hour in an instant is how airplanes fly, because that's exactly what I felt like.
I was a goddamn airplane.
I was in the air for what seemed like hours.
Trees and people and cars and other airplanes and dogs and cats all flew by in a blur.
I started getting worried.
What if I flew all the way to China?
What if I landed in a volcano or a cave or a ocean?
I can't swim so I really hope it's not a ocean.
This could not possibly end well.
( but it was kind of fun I'll admit. I made a kind of wooshing sound smile )
When I finally landed, I was in a daze.
So many questions ran through my head.
Where was I?
Who was I?
What had just happened?
Why do fools fall in love?
What is love?
When I finally snapped out of it, I noticed my bike seemed to have followed me.
That's a good bike to have followed me this far out.
I also noticed my knee was bleeding.
An airplane probably clipped me while I was in flightmode.
The pilot was probably drunk or a terrorist or something.
I cursed out loud.
It hurt so bad.
But then I remembered what was still in my pocket.
Oh joyous day!
The wonderful razor that Jill had bestowed upon me!
I took it out and it shone brightly in the sunlight, like some sort of godly treasure.
I almost cried I was so happy.
This pain in my knee was about to be history.
With this razor I am God.
So I began to cut. smile
OUCH!
The pain seemed to get worse!
My knee must've known what I was planning to do, and sent pain robots up to my wrists to try and talk me out of doing this!
NO no no I have to do this!
I cut a little faster.
"I WON'T BE DEFEATED SO EASILY, PAIN ROBOTS!" I shouted.
I cut even faster.
It wasn't helping.
"Maybe I have the wrong arm," I thought.
I felt so silly.
Of course I had the wrong arm.
So I started at my right arm, while my left wrist continued bleeding.
"It's all right," I thought. "Once I cut the right arm the pain will go away. Just gotta hurry before I pass out."
It still hurt a lot, but I was starting to get kind of numb.
It was working!
I started feeling light-headed, but I assumed it was just a part of the process.
"Maybe I'll fall asleep and wake up fully healed."
I was cutting for half an hour and the blood didn't stop.
I switched arms again.
Nothing.
I switched again.
Nada.
I spent hours doing this, frantically slicing my own flesh to try and get rid of the pain.
I started feeling drowzy.
Everything got dark, and my eyes slowly closed.
I don't remember much of what happened next.
I awoke a few minutes ago.
The pain was still there.
The blood was still there.
My arms were missing.
Have any of you seen my arms?
