I never thought I'd use this feature other than for my art collection. But the fact is... his eyes are everywhere on my accounts. I think the only reason he stays away from gaia is the fact he doesn't really know what it is and thinks its just like neopets... But I write because I need somewhere I can dump everything out. I'd open a new blog account but he'd see it in my history... the second I had to change passwords on my email he asked why... It's not so much a trust issue he's just curious when my stuff which is normally logged in... isn't. Which makes him think I'm hiding something. It's easier this way. I'm glad gaia decided on this feature.
Things on my mind:
Ever since I heard this song I can't stop thinking about my last relationship. I guess I still have hang up's about it. About him... a small part of me still loves him. I wish he'd straighten out. That he'd be happy. That maybe he'd find what he needs.Basically the song was the relationship. My interpretation of the song is this: boy and girl fall in love. it goes well for a while, but the guy's destructive behaviour makes him decide to break up with this girl. hence "i still love you girl but i'm not the answer to your questions" meaning she deserves better. Meanwhile, she says " i want to save you" meaning she wants to save him from himself, for example his alcohol/suicidal/going nowhere in life/or combination of all. And yeah... that was us. I know I can't save him. I can't save the world. I'm not sure why it bothers me. And than it bothers me that it bothers me. gah. Why do I miss you? Why can't we talk... why is he so jealous... but truth be told its not fair to either of you. I know I wouldn't like him talking to his ex and its not fair to keep you in my life... it seems so selfish. I guess I'll get over it.
Home life is mildly interesting. Henry might be moving in. My mom's still a b***h but I've learned how to just ignore it better. Weird things keep happening around the house. I'm not sleeping much... or eating. I feel my body falling apart. But yet I'm content in this madness. It's somewhat confusing to me.
I'm not sure I'm ready for what hen wants. Him staying here the last week has been nice but at the same time... I'm feeling controlled and smothered. Small things are getting warped in my head and makes me wonder about it all. Or maybe I'm just over thinking it and ready to ******** it all up. My past record repeating itself... or maybe i'm trying so hard to prove to myself that I won't repeat the same mistakes while making entirely new ones?
I've lost my family. I've lost most of my friends. I want to build a new life but I dunno what I want... let alone how to get it.
Thoughts racing. Not sure what else to type out. I guess this is it for the time being.
 Malevolent_Murder · Sun Nov 01, 2009 @ 08:22am · 0 Comments |
