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Only read ALL of this if you really care about me. The first part (in red) is a song by Hollywood Undead. Every word of it is fitting with the current situation. The part in black afterwards are my thoughts.
I loved you, you made me, hate me.
You gave me, hate, see?.
It saved me and these tears are deadly.
You feel that?
I rip back, every time you tried to steal that.
You feel bad? you feel sad?
I'm sorry, hell no ******** that!
It was my heart, it was my life, it was my start, it was your knife.
This strife it dies, this life and these lies.
And these lungs have sung this song for too long,
and its true I hurt too, remember I loved you!
I've , Lost it all, fell today, It's all the same
I'm sorry oh
I'm sorry NO
I've , been abused, I feel so used, because of you
I'm sorry oh
I'm sorry NO
I wish I could I could have quit you.
I wish I never missed you,
And told you that I loved you, every time I ******** you.
The future that we both drew, and all the s**t we've been through.
Obsessed with the thought of you, the pain just grew and grew!
How could you do this to me?
Look at what I made for you,
It never was enough and the world is what I gave to you.
I used to be love struck; now I'm just ******** up.
Pull up my sleeves and see the pattern of my cuts!
I've , Lost it all, fell today, It's all the same
I'm sorry oh
I'm sorry NO
I've , been abused, I feel so used, because of you
I'm sorry oh
I'm sorry NO
Seems like all we had is over now you left to rest.
And your tears are dried up now, you just lay without a sound.
Seems like all we had is over now, you left to rest.
And my fears are over now, I can leave with my head down.
I've , Lost it all, fell today, It's all the same
I'm sorry oh
I'm sorry NO
I've , been abused, I feel so used, because of you
I'm sorry oh
I'm sorry NO
I honestly don't understand how this could've happened. There's so much anger, hatred, jealousy, confusion, depression bottled up inside of me...I honestly didn't know how to let it all out. That's part of the reason I had to put a song as most of the blog post. I can't believe he did that to me. I can't believe SHE did that to me either. It does make me wonder about him, but I don't want anything else. I want the person that I fell in love with. He's gone. He was replaced by this...something. This something that could lie to me...cheat on me...that acts like I'm either not important or simply not there. And her...the one who always told me she's been hurt this way and could never turn into something like that. She's always told me she could never hurt me, and she could never betray me. I wouldn't even wish this pain on a perfect stranger or a complete enemy...much less a "friend."
EDIT: So this morning has been almost as bad as last night. I don't feel like doing anything or going anywhere. I just feel empty. I'm entirely pathetic, but even if we are on a break I can't help myself. I love him too damn much. I've never felt this way about anyone else in my entire life. That's why I told him I'd wait for HIM to be ready...even though he hurt me. I can't help but wonder if what I'm doing is right...but I'm doing it anyway.

Hey everyone. I'm not exactly sure what to write here. I deleted the entry I put up yesterday because I was being an idiot in it. I seem to be doing that a lot. Wow, some of the most important things I've learned in a long time were on the first day we WEREN'T in school. The things you learn about yourself - your flaws, weaknesses, occasionally strengths are going to help you so much more than you possibly can know. I just want to ask you guys to be honest with me from now on. If I'm doing something bad or annoying or whatever PLEASE let me know what it is. I will do my best to be open-minded and listen. I know now that I have been kind of blowing some of this stuff out of proportion. I know that I've been jealous, and I know that I've had trouble trusting...anyone. I want to fix it. I don't want to become a person people don't want to be around. Thanks for the help. Byes!
heart =^_^= heart
~MALARIA~

Everything feels so "just-out-of-reach." It's like no matter what I do I keep falling just short of where I need to be. It's like that with the people in my life too. It feels like everyone is slowly slipping away for one reason or the other. Some of them are beyond their control and they still will be there for me even when they're gone. Then there are those that feel like it won't make a difference to them if I'm in their life at all or not. In my band we're working on a song called "Friends." It's about how it feels like when you need them the most your friends don't seem to be there whether it's from moving or graduating or whatever. Here are a few quotes I like: "What's the point of getting close? Why should I care what they think? When they move away from coast to coast, what's the meaning of a true friend?" "Graduation comes and I watch everyone I love just walk away and leave, and at that time I believe and realize the truth behind the lies." "As friends, between us we make a strong pact, but then the day comes that we lose all contact. I need some peace in my life." I don't really know where this feeling exactly came from. I'm pretty sure most of it is coming from the devil of course. I also think some of it is coming from all of my medical issues. Especially lately, my smaller seizures have come back. I was diagnosed with chronic migraines but don't really have anything I can do about it. I still have that suspicious "thing." I'm sick again. It's been happening a lot. It's just blah. But it just seems like I'm reaching the end of what I can handle. Next year two of my three best friends will have moved. The third will have graduated. My boyfriend's graduating. Countless other friends are graduating or moving. The saddest part is that it isn't confined to friends or even school. My faith is suffering as well, and that's what really scares me. I find myself questioning which biblical teachings I actually care about. I know that it's bad, but I find myself doing it anyway. *Sigh* Okay end of blah rant. I doubt anyone will read this anyway so it probably doesn't matter. If you do read this, don't worry. I'm not doing anything. I just kind of needed to get everything out of my system.

So the few of you that read this (if any) I would really appreciate it if you prayed for me right now. I'm just kind of hitting something rough, and I can use all the support I can get. I really appreciate it. Thanks.
P.S. I'll probably edit this sometime within the next couple days saying what happened. (By the way if you don't know what's going on PM me. I probably have no problem telling you. I just don't want to post it publicly on the internet.)

So, I don't know how many people read this. It probably isn't a lot...if any at all, but I'm venting. I got rid of my myspace and xanga so this is pretty much all I have left. I had a seizure at 4 this morning. I tried to go to school, but I was still too affected by the seizure so I came home. I tried to sleep at home, but I kept waking up on the brink of seizure or in a cold sweat every one or two hours. Needless to say I'm still sleepy even though I slept almost all day. After my seizures I get really clingy, but only to certain people. The closer the person feels to me the more I want them. I want Daniel or Deb or Alan or even my mom. They are the four that I feel I want the most. But the first three are at school and probably can't come. My mom had to go to an interview and then to work. My want for her kind of comes and goes, though. I want her because she's my mom. But this morning, when I needed to come home from school, she complained at me for like 20 minutes about how inconvenient it was to have to pick me up. *sigh* I'll be okay. Right now I just kind of feel lonely. It may sound corny or cheesy or cliche...but I just want Daniel. crying

Here's random poetry from a while back
I didn't write this one. A friend of mine wrote it.
I love her mucho. It makes me cry to read this.
She wrote it for me and about me.

"When She's Alone" by Kayla Pruett (August 2006)
The dark thoughts
A wonderful blade
What will she do
When no one knows about the hatred
A simple slit
To her wrist
When she's alone
She dreams of this
They tell her she's strong
They say she's beautiful
She'll never listen
When she's alone
Her tears glisten
Fake smiles
Consumed by lies
When she's alone
She watches herself cry
Round and round
We go again
One more time
She knows this sin
Though it's sweet
Her blood drips
When she's alone
She sharpens the tip
She runs the water
Begins to cry
Cleaning off
Starting another lie
When she's alone
She wages a war
When she's alone
We fear she'll go to far

"Can I Trust You?" by Sarah Martin (February 2006)
So many times I've been hurt,
And stayed up late to cry,
My heart has no more worth,
For all they do is lie.
Best friend or a boy
They are all the same.
I am only their toy
and as always to blame.
I never know what to say:
Must be something I've done.
For as often as I play,
Never have I won.
The masks that I wear
Always weigh me down.
It's so much to bear
That I could just drown.
I keep everything in
And shut everyone out.
My heart is broken
And filled up with doubt.
I don't know where to go.
What can I possibly do?
But I just have to know:
Can I trust you?

My Watery Grave by Sarah Martin (March 2006)
All the way down again
Unto my watery grave:
I fall into the ocean,
For my soul you could not save.
In hurt we are made stronger,
But I break to try and bend.
I wish to live no longer.
I just want it all to end.
For relief a cutter dreams
As way down deep it goes.
It's not as easy as it seems.
So slow my eyes do close.
I suffocate on my sanity
And drown in my own blood.
I feel the pain of vanity
Wash over like a flood.
I scream and yell, but then
That final silence I do crave.
All the way down again,
Unto my watery grave.