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10 Things [taken from anvari] |
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10 Things That Piss Me Off:
1. People who point at their wrist while
asking for the time. I know where my watch is,
buddy...where the hell is yours? Do I point at
my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is??
2. People in the supermarket check out line
who wait until their entire bill is rung up
before they begin writing their check.
Hello...is the store name going to change,
or the date, or your signature before the
clerk finishes? Get a clue!
3. People who are willing to get off their
a** to search the entire room for the damn TV
remote because they refuse to walk to the TV
and change it manually!
4. When people say..."Oh, you just want to
have your cake and eat it, too." Screw that!!!
What good is a damn piece of cake if you can't
eat it? What should I do...eat someone else's
piece of cake instead.
5. When people say..."It's always the last
place you look." No s**t!! Why the hell would
you keep looking for it after you've already
found it?? Do people do this?? Who and where
are they??
6. When people say, while watching a movie
.."Did you see that?" No, dumb a**, I paid
$7.50 to come to a theater and stare at the
ceiling up there. What did you come here for??.
7. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?"
Didn't really give me a choice there, did
ya buddy?
8. When something is "New & Improved," Which
is it? If it's new, there has never been anything
before it. If it's an improvement then there must
have been something before it!
9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks
if you know how fast you were going. "You should
know, a*****e. You're the one that pulled me
over!"
Here's the 10TH thing that really bugs
me....
10. Chain letters! Who the hell thinks that
by annoying other people with stupid mail with
no meaning, that they will grant you a wish, or
make your long-lost love fall into your arms.
Bullshit! I'm so sure that by breaking a stupid
chain letter that the computer gods are going to
curse me!! What a crock of s**t!!!
By the way, if you send this to 10
people, s**t won't happen, and that person you're
in love with won't come crawling to you...so if
you feel this is funny, go on and send it to some
one else, but don't expect one damn thing in return!
 Teh Rubber Bandage · Thu Jan 03, 2008 @ 04:12pm · 0 Comments |
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Flying the Friendly Skies |
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An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight
attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them
food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came
swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has
asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly,
lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays
that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic
looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those
big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so
the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant
replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm
called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up b***h."
Teh Rubber Bandage · Thu Jan 03, 2008 @ 04:08pm · 0 Comments |
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It was the final examination for an introductory English course
at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and
exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and
told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly
two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A
half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the
professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor
stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began
writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams,
and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the
late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last
student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk
preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on
the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The
student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know WHO I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" The student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." Replied the professor with an air of
superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of
completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of
the room.
Teh Rubber Bandage · Thu Jan 03, 2008 @ 04:04pm · 0 Comments |
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For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day . . . |
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For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need
to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take
it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten
to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered saying,
"Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin
Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone
could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her.
(I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number).
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a*****e!"
and hung up.
I wrote his number down, with the word 'a*****e' next to it, and put it in
my
desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really
bad day, I'd call him. He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're an a*****e!"
It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my
therapeutic 'a*****e' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number
and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company.
I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?"
he yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back
and said, "That's because you're an a*****e!"
So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting
for
the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car
window,
so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling
the
first a*****e (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better
call
the BMW a*****e, too.
I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the
black BMW for sale?" "Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's
parked
right out front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen,"
he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening
after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?" "Don, you're an a*****e!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I
had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of
calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with
an idea:
I called a*****e #1. "Hello" "You're an a*****e!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he
screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don
Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?"
"a*****e, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black
Beemer our front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had
better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared,
a*****e."
Then I called a*****e # 2: "Hello?" he said. "Hello a*****e," I said. He
yelled,
"If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your
a**,"
he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, a*****e, here's your chance. I'm coming
over right now."
Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay
lover.
Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two
assholes
beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police
helicopter,
and news crew.
Now, I feel better. - Have a great day!
Teh Rubber Bandage · Thu Jan 03, 2008 @ 04:01pm · 0 Comments |
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Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you
would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even
an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a
NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
Teh Rubber Bandage · Thu Jan 03, 2008 @ 03:58pm · 0 Comments |
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3 young boys were trying to figure out whose dad was
the best:
The first boy said, "my dad is so good he can shoot an
arrow run after it, get in front of it and catch it in
his bare hand."
The second boy said, "my dad is so good that he can
shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it
and catch it in his bare hand."
The third boy said, "I've got you both beat, my dad so
good because he works for the state of Florida. He
gets off work at 5:00pm and is home by 4:30pm
Teh Rubber Bandage · Thu Jan 03, 2008 @ 03:57pm · 0 Comments |
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A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..."
Teh Rubber Bandage · Thu Jan 03, 2008 @ 03:55pm · 0 Comments |
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> > I have one
> >
> > You have one
> >
> >
> > Your mother uses your father's one
> >
> > And your auntie uses your uncle's one
> >
> > A married lady would acquire one
> >
> > But a divorced lady would lose her one
> >
> > Arnold Schwarzenneger has a longer one
> >
> > Michael J. Fox has a shorter one
> >
> > Madonna doesn't have one
> >
> > The Chinese usually have short ones
> >
> > While the Indian usually have long ones
> >
> > Do you have one?
> >
> > How long is your one?
> >
> > Which one is your preferred one?
> >
> >
> > (see below for answer)
> >
> > what you are thinking of! go down......
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> > Answer : its your Surname, what else !!
> >
> > but I like the way you think .........
Teh Rubber Bandage · Thu Jan 03, 2008 @ 03:52pm · 0 Comments |
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Dave, sadly was born without ears. Although successful in business this problem did annoy him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company. He set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply. Dave did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office. The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears." Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage. The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young man who had recently earned his B.S. He was smart. He was handsome, and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And much to his surprise, the young man answered,"Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" Dave was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked. The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ******** ears!"
Teh Rubber Bandage · Thu Jan 03, 2008 @ 03:48pm · 0 Comments |
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After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for another flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told that the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost uncomfortable hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an email, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address. The message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead! Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen. It read:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband,
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
Teh Rubber Bandage · Thu Jan 03, 2008 @ 03:40pm · 0 Comments |
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A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal
authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send
it to President Clinton.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little
boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a
thank you note to GOD, which read biggrin ear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money but, I noticed that for some
reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those jerks
deducted $95.00..
Teh Rubber Bandage · Thu Jan 03, 2008 @ 03:31pm · 0 Comments |
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Eleanor Roosevelt wrote:
Many people will walk in and out of your life,
To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.
He who loses money, loses much;
He who loses a friend, loses much more;
He who loses faith, loses all.
Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,
But beautiful old people are works of art.
Learn from the mistakes of others
You can't live long enough to make them all
yourself. Friends, you and me.......You brought another
friend....and we started our group....our circle of
friends.....and like a circle.....there is no
beginning or end......Yesterday is history. Tomorrow
is mystery. Today is a gift.
Teh Rubber Bandage · Thu Jan 03, 2008 @ 03:18pm · 0 Comments |
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> > > > > > >>> >> > > God's Boxes
> > > > > > >>> >> > >
> > > > > > >>> >> > > I have in my hands two boxes
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Which God gave me to hold.
> > > > > > >>> >> > > He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black box,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > And all your joys in the gold."
> > > > > > >>> >> > >
> > > > > > >>> >> > > I heeded His words, and in the two boxes
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Both my joys and sorrows I stored,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > But though the gold became heavier each day
> > > > > > >>> >> > > The black was as light as before.
> > > > > > >>> >> > >
> > > > > > >>> >> > > With curiosity, I opened the black,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > I wanted to find out why,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Which my sorrows had fallen out by.
> > > > > > >>> >> > >
> > > > > > >>> >> > > I showed the hole to God, and mused,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > "I wonder where my sorrows could be."
> > > > > > >>> >> > > He smiled a gentle smile and said,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > "My child, they're all here with me."
> > > > > > >>> >> > >
> > > > > > >>> >> > > I asked, "God, why give me the boxes,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Why the gold, and the black with the hole?"
> > > > > > >>> >> > > "My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > The black is for you to let go."
> > > > > > >>> >> > >
> > > > > > >>> >> > > We should consider all of our friends a blessing.
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Send this to a friend today just to let them > > know you are
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Thinking of them and that they are a joy in your life:
> > > > > > >>> >> > > A ball is a circle, no beginning, no end.
> > > > > > >>> >> > > It keeps us together like our Circle of Friends
> > > > > > >>> >> > > But the treasure inside for you to see
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Is the treasure of friendship you've granted to me.
> > > > > > >>> >> > >
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Today I pass the friendship ball to you.
> > > > > > >>> >> > > pass it on to someone who is a friend to you...
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Ok, here goes, instantly when you receive this letter,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > you're requested to send it to at least 10 people,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > including the person who sent it to you.
Teh Rubber Bandage · Thu Jan 03, 2008 @ 03:08pm · 0 Comments |
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>A simple friend has never seen you cry.
>A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.
>A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names
>A real friend has their phone numbers in their address book.
>A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
>A real friend come early to help you cook and stays late to help you
>clean.
>A simple friend hates it when you call after he/she has gone to bed.
>A real friend ask you why you took so long to call.
>A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.
>A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
>A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
>A real friend could blackmail you with it.
>A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
>A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps their selves.
>A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you HAVE an
argument.
>A real friend knows that it's not a friendship until after you've had
a
>fight.
>A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
>A real friend expects to always be there for you!
>
>Pass this on to anyone you care about.....if you get it back you have
found
>your true friends! A ball is a circle, no beginning no end.
>
>It keeps us together, like our circle of friends. But the treasure
>inside for you to see is the treasure of friendship you've granted to
me.
>Today I pass the friendship ball to you.
>Pass it on to someone who is a friend to you....
Teh Rubber Bandage · Thu Jan 03, 2008 @ 03:05pm · 0 Comments |
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