So for the past month and a half, school has been extremely busy. I fell behind really fast and really easily because all the courses this semester have thrown so much in my face so quickly. This project, that project, and another project. Plus, a purely online course which I'm terrible at. School and online don't go well for me.
And then at the beginning of the school year I felt like I was completely rejected by my peers. We had a group project for our business class, and I asked Liz to join me in my group. She agreed to it. 10 minutes later, I found out the people in the row sitting with her added her to their group without her knowledge. They eventually told her, and instead of declining, she went with it. All I got was a shrug, an excuse, and a "sorry". It was a slap in the face. I was trying not to cry, and left as soon as I could.
There was another group project, and I tried to ask the people I thought were my friends to join me. I got another no. And for that project, I was stuck with whoever was lacking a partner. I'm not saying that that was a bad thing, just not what I'd been hoping for. But I'm still hurt, because I'd been considering them, and they hadn't considered me.
But I've been isolating myself from them because of the hurt I feel. Whenever class ends, I escape as soon as possible and "hide" in the nearest coffee shop. Between isolating myself, and how far I am behind in school, I've been extremely stressed out. Being behind in school is partially my fault. But it's difficult to find time for homework because when I'm not in school, I'm at work.
I need to tell my parents, because I know they can help me remedy the situation. But it's not particularly encouraging to bring it up when my mom points at my video games and says, "If she didn't play these, she'd be able to get all her work done, AND pick up another shift at work!"
Nor when my tutor makes an offhand comment about future employers not going to take me seriously if I take extra time to complete my diploma.
Stuff like that hurts.
And because of all the stress, I've turned to eating junk. I don't know how much I've gained since I've started. I refuse to look at the scale. I don't know how much I weighed before I began this. But I was overweight to begin with. So I've probably tacked on another 10 or 15 pounds to that overweight.
My boyfriend has been amazing through all of it. I don't know how many times I've ended up in tears in front of him since school began. He's sat there, and hugged me, and rubbed by back as I cried about various things. He's been supportive through all of this.
I hate that I feel this need to eat junk. And I eat out most days because I don't have the energy to pack a lunch beforehand. None of it is helping. I just end up feeling worse about myself and my situation. Before the school year started, and before all of this, even though I had weight, I felt confident. Now I just want to hide.
Tomorrow, my boyfriend is coming over and I'm going to talk to my parents about my situation. I don't think I'll be able to tell them about the weight thing. I'll be too embarrassed/self conscious. I'm going to have to work that out with myself, with my boyfriend's support. But I'm going to get the school thing sorted out. And then maybe the stress will decrease and I'll have time to fix my weight problem.