What is my point? I have no idea. All I know is that I want to write, I don't know what about or anything beyond the fact that I only want to see these words pour from my fingertips onto the keyboard. I want them to flow, like a spell cast onto me and you.
I'm in my own little work right now, surrounded by other things, but I can't hear them. More and more it seems that I live in the music. I can choose to hear you or tune you out. If you're boring or the music strikes my mood I will leave this world for a place in my head. Granted, sometimes I go there without music but now it's so much more intense. This is a level of isolation that I am not used to.
I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not .. We all need solitude as well as socialization. Lord knows that if I hung out with all of you 24/7 I would probably kill myself (or you). However, if I spent the rest of eternity alone I would inevitably drive myself batty (what a word, eh?!). I have so much going on in my head all the time that I can't keep track of it all sometimes. That's another reason I appreciate this private world of MP3 players .. I need music all the time, even when I'm sleeping.
It's not that I don't appreciate silence but with silence comes other side effects. My mind gets on a rampage and I just begin psyching myself out because I'm thinking about 80 million different issues at once. Work, friends, family, money, school, my cat, that blue shirt on the floor, the crooked poster, the dirty dishes, cigarettes, my computer, love, my self, insanity, and that godforsaken ringing in my ears are all I hear all the time. Not generally once a time either, I'm thinking so much and so fast that sometimes I feel like my brain is going to explode from being overworked. Obviously I'm just fine, at least physically but sometimes I do feel the need to medicate myself with music, people, whatever. It calms me, I stop hearing the ringing.
I appreciate the fact that I can follow multiple projects in my head at once but I wish I knew my own limits as to how many I can carry on at one time. I can blame it on the supposed obsessive compulsive disorder, anxiety, and manic depression but I can't see myself being such a mental case. I'll definetly admit that I carry some intense OCD habits but they dont bother me. I have a system for things .. don't walk on the cracks in the street, don't leave the cabinet doors or drawers open, make sure posters are put up straight and never crooked, meticilously cleaning my home at odd hours of the night because I can't sleep, etc.
Boy, I just shared a major part of me with you guys. I wonder if feeling this exposed is a good thing or not. (Random: I can't write poetry anymore so at least you understand what I'm saying this time, haha). I want to be able to put myself out there, be honest with who I am, and feel accepted despite my flaws. I do recognize that this will probably not pose a problem at all but at the same time .. taking that step into vulnerability is a bit intimidating.
Will I care if you judge me? It's possible in the fact that it depends on who you are to me. There are some people's opinions that matter to me. Although it's few, it still matters. The rest of you .. I'm not sure what I would feel. I suppose it's something like a temporary punch in the gut but it fades rather quickly.
Paski Community Member 
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