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Bleh.

I want to fall off the face of the Earth right now. They say the moon is a nice place this time of year. I'd only need to bring one person to make my world complete. (That and an unlimited supply of of oxygen)(and feeling like I was dragging the person down with me is a whole other story that I won't get into)

I am sick and tired of being me. I know that sounds odd and its not like I want to be someone else (however, if I could pick I think I'd be one of my favorite authors. Have a better, more secluded, life) but what I am... its driving me crazy.

I'm bisexual. But I don't want to be. I'm attracted to girls more than guys (but I do find myself crushing on boys too) and that makes it worse. I'm tired of my "kind" being harrassed and tormented. And people say its a choice... I could force myself to only think about guys, but being attracted to the same sex... it just happens.

And recently I've decided I don't even know what love is.

My best friend... who I've never even met in real life (being online does have its advantages when your in a world where you don't belong) changed my life. I want to be with her so much... she is the only light that shines in my darkness. (For future reference, I say stuff like that because its what I feel. Sure, its sentimental and I'm probably making myself sound like a retard... but I can't help it. These are my thoughts.) A few weeks ago, I found myself trying to figure out what love really is. I found myself thinking of her. She makes me happier than anything and being away from her is like dying from the plague. Slow and painful. But... I've never met her in real life. I've never actually come face to face with her. I don't know if we'll get along in reality (I sure as hell hope so though...) so maybe I should just try to ward these feelings away. Especially if it is just a choice.

Its not like I want to like her. I mean, she's a great girl, but I feel horrible about even making her think about this problem. Considering the fact she doesn't feel the same way. I don't want to pressure her for I don't even know my own feelings. But I feel like I am. I feel like I'm ruining her life - not all of it, just this social corner piece. Maybe its the doubt of all this keeping me back or maybe I really do only like her as a friend. In that case, she's just the best friend I've ever had. She IS the best friend I've ever had.

--Personal story time over--

At first I thought there were only two groups. Those with gays and those against gays. Then a third group appeared who didn't care one way or the other. This group didn't care about my needs, our needs, and I hated them almost as much as I hated those against gays. Another group followed that. These were strangers to me, but I actually enjoyed their company - for the most part. Their religion made them against what I was... but they still accepted me as a friend. Not surprisingly, another group emerged. Those for gay rights... but thought being gay was a choice. It hurt to talk to them. We were fighting for the same thing... but our ways of war and our thoughts to get to the final ring were extremely different. Lastly, the final group, or at least the latest of the groups I've discovered, are gays themself. But... these gays think its a choice too. That shocked me.

Being gay isn't a choice. That's what I always thought. But... what if it isn't? What if I'm just messed up in the head? Is being gay a disease? Is there a medicine I can take for that? I'd love to know that answer, but in all honesty, I'd love to be right.

My view? You can't control love. You can't control who you fall in love with. You can choose who to hang out with, but love... love is different. You could live your entire life forcing yourself to be with someone (for example, someone could love you. So you could "force" yourself to be with them... but you wouldn't love them) but its not love.

But I haven't been right on many other things, why would this time be different?

There are so many different beliefs on this... I don't know which one to follow. I want to follow my own heart, but I don't even know what its saying.

You can't figure out love until you know what it is... and I don't know what it is... and somehow... I feel like I'm the only one that doesn't. Everyone else seems so sure of what to think about sexuality...

I want to find someone to love, not so I can have someone to hang on to and smother with affection... but so I can be led in the "right" direction. So I can understand what all this... bull s**t is about. I want to know what it feels like. To be happy, to have both sides happy, in finding something.

--life love story--
3rd grade was when I had my first boyfriend. He asked me out not even 5 minutes after we met. My heart would stay still. It was just the words "will you be my girlfriend" that made me happy. I knew what it was though none of my friends had ever dated and I hated never seen a real movie with love in it (I don't think disney movies count) I only saw him for half the year and it was only on Friday when my mom took us to the bowling alley. Our families bowled on a league together. We kissed once, under a bowling alley table, and then he said he was afraid his mom would find out. We hardly touched at all after that. Finally, in 5th grade, on my birthday (I had invited him to my party) he broke up with me. My heart felt like it broke but in a day I was over it.

3rd grade was also when I had my first "girlfriend". It was the half of the year that I wasn't seeing Derik (the bf that dumped me on my b-day) I didn't think I would see Derik the next year so I thought we were through, though I constantly thought about him. The girl found me. We were playing house and we became spouses. (I believe I was the father, but I can't remember now. I guess it fit though) I asked what married people did since I really didn't have role-models to watch. My dad was in the navy so he wasn't home most of the time. When he was home, my mom and him didn't talk much. He sat and watched television and she sat at the dining room table working on crafts. I had a better relationship with both of them then. But that's not important. Having parents that are there for you won't change your sexuallity. Not in my idea. The girl told me they kissed. My heart leapt again. The last time I had kissed someone I had felt amazing. There was just an intense feeling when I touched someone that loved me -- and it was there again. A kiss is to show affection. Even though this was only a game... she felt affection for me. A few days later, she told me she wanted to play again, except this time we could pretend we were boyfriend and girlfriend. After awhile, since the "game" seemed to go on for days at a time, I thought that we weren't playing. It was real. Its sad to say, but the first time I made out with someone was in 3rd grade. Because I thought she cared for me. I wanted to make her happy. Turns out, she didn't. I wasn't what she wanted. I wasn't a boy. She moved away and I got over her faster than I did Derik. It was a physical relationship and I had to clense myself of all that I had done with her. I knew it was wrong, having a "relationship" based on only physical attraction, so I tried to forget everything.

In 6th grade there was a boy who liked me but I was still too busy in trying to force myself to not like someone that I didn't notice. At the end of the year, I started to fall for another boy. I hated myself for it, so when he "found out" I tried to make it sound like a friend liked him and not me. I don't think it worked. . . I'm glad I moved.

In 7th grade I found out about gays. I found out about myself. But of course, the first thing I heard about them wasn't the best thing I could have ever heard. They were wrong. They didn't deserve to live. God didn't love them. You would go to hell for being gay. I heard of all these things. And I was afraid of myself. I tried to push myself to believe I wasn't attracted to girls, that I was just a slut attracted to contact, but it didn't work.

In 8th grade there was another girl that I found pretty. She didn't touch me, she didn't have to. Her personality wasn't much, but I could get along with her well enough. She once had a book that looked interesting enough. I didn't know what it was about, the title was just interesting. "Keeping You A Secret". When I read the back, my heart fluttered. It was about gay love. Lesbians. Like me. Trying to find their way in the world. I took the book and I read it cover to cover twice. Its still my favorite book today. It helped me a lot in deciding who I was. In the middle of winter, I took to the internet like crazy. Why? There was a "guy" on there that said they liked me. It came as a shock but because they said that, I fell for them. They cared for me. Turns out however, this "guy" was a girl. And this girl had tried to be with others on the web as well. I felt hurt and stopped the relationship. But not before finally admiting who I was. At the end of the year, I told a few choice friends what I was.

Out of the 10 I told, one was my best friend. She stopped talking to me. The other was a girl that was good friends with my best friend. We had never liked each other much and because of this, that girl went and told others. The third, another friend of my best friend. We got along okay and she hated the girl who told everyone. She accepted me, but we didn't talk much after the inccident. Three were my drama-buddies who accepted gays anyway. Alex went to West(another high school in the area) though and Raelynn moved away. Keegan was the only one who stayed with me and went to my high school. She doesn't really talk to me now though. We don't have class together anymore. But it was nice to talk to another bisexual. Another was a close friend who I got along really well with. She comforted me in a lot of ways but... she moved away too. Then came the one I feared. I knew she believed in God but... I didn't know how bad it would turn out to be. She didn't talk to me after that. Last year she completely ignored me. This year we had English together first semester... we had to work together. Hearing her voice again, talking to me, was so comforting... but after our project was done so was our conversation. A "friend" from 7th grade came next. I never really liked her, but I thought she deserved to know. She wanted to know how I found out I was bisexual but I didn't want to explain that I always had been. I didn't have the courage to do that. I said something about a dream. She didn't believe me and, who the first loud mouth hadn't told, she did. Finally, a second bisexual was told. She accepted it but didn't want to talk about it anymore. I needed someone to vent to. Someone to let out everything to. You remember that guy-who-was-really-a-girl? She just happened to be there when I felt the worst. We got together again, because she was comforting me, she was there for me, she cared. I loved anyone that cared enough.. to care. But we just weren't compatiable. We were fighting at least once a week and I didn't trust her at all. You can't base a relationship off fights, and you definately can't do it when you're not even anywhere near the girl in the first place. We broke up.

10th grade, now, I had a lot of crushes but nothing too serious. I was over them in a matter of weeks if not days. Now that I was finally accepting of my sexuallity, I allowed myself to fall for girls I would have otherwise said "No, you're not attracted to her, no, don't listen to that emotion, no, you're wrong" to. I became a lot closer to my friend soon becoming best friends with her. But now that I had accepted my sexuality I was more aware of my feelings of love. She cared for me... she cared more than anyone ever did. She comforts me when others just laugh or stay silent. And its funny because even when she is silent... I know she's there. She still wants to be with me. At least, that's what I want to believe. We have planned our futures together and she makes me feel like anything is possible. She believes in me.

She's really the best friend I've ever had. I'm afraid that when we meet in real life... I won't be able to be everything she wants. I'm already of that... I just want to make her happy. Her happiness is everything to me.

But then I look back and realize, "maybe I only feel this way because she cares. Like with all the others" but I never felt this strongly about anyone before. But everytime I even think about being with a girl, let alone her, I start to hate myself a little more. I know what I am. I've accepted it. I just can't help but hate it... because others hate it. Because I'm not "normal". She's the worst because she's my friend. I don't want to lose what we already have.

I've slowly gotten over it, whatever it was, and forced myself to think we are just friends. But its like thinking back on other crushes. I can't help but miss them and feel something for them. Not something big, just a "what if they really had loved me..."

I guess its worse because I told her and almost everytime I talk to her I think about it and feel worse about it.

I need to shut up about it. I rant on things to much. Just another problem I have I suppose. I'm screwed up. ******** up. Its not something I want to debate either. This is me and its wrong. I need someone now though... to rant to... and to not feel bad about going over the same thing again and again. It reassures me that they're there for me. But I annoy them too much, repeating the same thing over again. All of my friends... I've given up talking to all but one of them. And even now I have to hide it with a journal on here. I can't go right out and tell her. I feel too bad about it. I also feel bad about ranting period, considering I lost a friend doing it and it annoys all of my other friends.

But apparently it helps relieve stress. If I talk write it out... Sorry its so long. You had to know my life story. For no reason, I just made you read it.

You have to love my rants. I don't stay in order and I don't usually make sense.

Yeah.

mm...

I feel like such a horrible person right now. I'm bisexual and I "complain" too much. I'm really starting to hate myself. . . . .