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This is hard.

I have still been dealing with the death of a friend. He died in December, and it is still hard. But what is worse, is I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to about it...like really talk to.

I still haven't taken his number out of my phone.

I will watch certain movies and begin to cry. Last night, I was watching the Goblet of Fire. When Cedric was brought back to the maze and they showed Cho, I completely lost it. And don't let me near PS I Love You. I'm not even sure if I'm going to be able to watch the Grey's Anatomy finale this week.

I started thinking last night about how things might be different if he were still alive. I think that if he was, I would be going to a different school. I just started chiropractic school today, and it was between this one, outside of Chicago, and another one, outside of Atlanta. The one outside of Atlanta is only 5 hrs from where he lived, whereas this one is about 15 hrs away.

I always used to wonder why things never seemed to be panning out romantically between us. The timing was always off. But, I know that if we had been together, this would have been that much harder. Then again, I'm not sure about that. Now, I'm living with more regret than I have ever experienced in my life. I re-live moments in my mind between us, and wonder if I should have done something different.

What kills me the most is that the next to last time I talked to him, I was upset with him. He didn't come to my 'moving away from Boone' party, and I told him that it might have been the last chance he had to see me. Another moment of regret...because it was true. I never did see him again. The next time we spoke, we made plans to see one another. I was coming to visit in Boone, and I called to confirm our plans...and that's when I found out-- he had died earlier that morning.

I just want these feelings to go away. I want to stop loving him. I want to stop dwelling on what might have been, and focus on my future. But I still dream about him...I still love him. And I just hate that I could never admit my true, deep feelings for him before it was too late.