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LAWS OF ANIME PHYSICS-Copyrighted to Uncyclopedia |
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Main Characters, Villains, and General Flaws
1. The more retarded a plan is, the more likely it is to work. (ex. Naruto)
2. In cooperation with the first law, the main enemy always has a genius plan that fails.
3. When a character gains the possession of a giant robot, they immediately know how to control it without prior training. (ex. Evangelion)
4. The longer the series continues, the stronger the enemies get exponentially. (ex. Dragonball Z)
5. Villains either are butt-ugly monsters or gay dudes. Certain exceptions are an amalgamation of both. (esp. InuYasha)
6. The main character is always small and wimpy-looking, only to hold a tremendous secret power usually explained to him by a wise old person.
7. The bad guy has fan girls. Unless Especially if he's a transvestite.
8. The quicker someone dies off, the more likely they are not really dead. (ex. Bleach)
9. Getting stabbed multiple times only kills you if you are unimportant. Remember that, Kazuya.
10. Additionally, any unimportant character NEVER gets into fights. If they do, they are beaten easily.
11. When a character performs an attack, they MUST yell out its name, therefore giving their opponent the obvious advantage of knowing what they're going to do, but never doing what they can do to prevent or counter it. If they don't yell out the name, it doesn't count because that's cheating.
12. The louder said character shouts the name of an attack, the more powerful that attack will be. (ex. Dragon Ball Z)
13. No matter how long the preparation to an attack, and no matter how many spangly things are created, the preparation cannot be interrupted before it is complete; the attack is permitted to miss however. (ex. Sailor Moon)
14. The magical tools necessary to kill someone are commonplace. (ex. Death Note)
15. Internal monologues and/or long emotional conversations may never be interrupted, even if they take place in the middle of world-saving battles.
16. When in doubt, scream loudly and sacrifice yourself to have no effect on the enemy.
17. The main character always has the power to save their respective world.
18. If the main character has something everyone else has, the main character's can do about 50 more things than everyone else’s. Also, the secondary character's can do 20 more things. (ex. Digimon)
19. The bad guy always dismisses the main character(s) as a minor annoyance, but never suspect them to have superpowers and might even go so far as to pass up the opportunity to kill or maim him/her on several occasions.
20. There are samurais and ninjas. At least one. Or else.
21. There will always be a point at which the protagonist is shot down by a bullet, missile, or, in the case of the End of Evangelion, gigantic naked lady that wants to merge with the world. At this point, peaceful Latin music will play for many minutes as the protagonist (or his robot, in the case of Neon Genesis Evangelion and the Gundam series,) falls to the ground in slow motion.
22. If a male character has pink hair, he is either homosexual or bisexual. No other hair colors apply.
23. If a character's hair is hiding some disfiguring mark, laser beam, etc, no amount of force will move that characters hair until permitted.
24. You may not start pwning the bad guy until the cool music starts (ex. Naruto)
25. The more an enemy brags about easily owning the hero, the easier that enemy will be defeated.
26. Before the final showdown between the main character and the main villain, they must each stare at each other for at least 30+ minutes and review how they got where they are and what they are about to do (in case you missed the entire season). Meanwhile, the other minor characters stand patiently off to the side usually commenting on the two important characters.
27. The main character must always have some outrageously powerful ability that no one else has, but must never be able to control it.
28. No matter what she's accused of doing or how mysterious her origins are, the hero will always be ready to fight to the death for any girl he met three seconds ago.
29. No matter what the odds are and how powerful the enemy is, the hero will have flashbacks occurring for 5 minutes in about 3 seconds real-time, before gaining enormous strength and killing the bad guy.
30. One must thank other characters frequently, even when nothing worth thanking for has occurred. Thanking the person who kills you just before dying is also considered cool.
31. Any time someone is about to be killed by a monster, the main character will always arrive just in time to block the monster's attack with his sword. (esp. Bleach)
Women and Love
1. Anybody can use the power of love and their souls if they're in a life-or-death (or, in some cases, Burger King-or-McDonalds) situation. Love can even control weather.
2. Female characters cannot wear more than a miniskirt and school uniform, (See schoolgirls) UNLESS they're in a cat suit (OR ELSE).
3. A woman's breast size is determined by , whereas h equals head size and b equals breast size. That is LAW.
4. Women fall in love with guys who are in yaoi. Listen up, you won't get with them. They're gay.
5. Women in anime experience puberty at 5 years old.
6. Women always walk around in the nude together if they're in a women-only facility.
7. If men see them while they're nude (which will be likely to happen), women can punch men so hard that they are thrown into the stratosphere, (no matter how incredibly powerful they are in combat) then fall down and only obtain minor bruises (ex. Love Hina). Interestingly, ballistic properties are not taken into account, so that the aforementioned male character is always back by the next key frame, even though he traveled a few tens of miles in a random direction.
8. The main character and the traditional female companion ALWAYS start off enemies (or innocently and shyly not liking each other so as not to expose their real feelings for each other) and will ALWAYS end up falling in love.
9. If, at any point, a man (even a gay man, in some cases) sees a naked woman, he will come down with an instant and explosive nosebleed. the amount of blood and the energy released by said blood depends on how many women there are, how naked they are, how large their breasts are, and how inconvenient it is for the main character to have a nosebleed at that precise moment and/or how funny the situation is. This law doesn't apply to lesbians. Also no matter how much blood appears to be pouring from the characters nose not a single trace of it is present after said incident.
10. In any situation where a male character is supposed to avoid touching the breasts of a female, he will be drawn to them whether or not he desires to touch them, in a magnetic effect similar to a loadstone's attractive properties. This will ALWAYS result in name-calling (i.e., pervert, lecher, etc.), and/or some form of savage beating.
11. The male will always say the design of panties/bras the female is wearing when he is exposed to it.
12. Every woman in the show will find the male lead incredibly attractive, with the exception of the aforementioned traditional female companion (ex. Negima!).
13. No matter how strong a male character is, he will always be beaten by his female counterpart (ex. Ranma 1/2).
14. If you are a girl you must wear a short skirt, have orange, blue, pink or other odd hair colors that most REAL people would look stupid with (ex. Lucky Star).
15. There is a fifty/fifty chance that the bad guy will manipulate/beat the crap outta the hero's woman towards the end of the series/movie. As if anyone could see THAT coming.
16. If the main character is a loser, he will usually find a hot girl (usually from outer space) who falls for him but he is too stupid enough to notice or react.
17. No such thing as "flat chested". If an exception occurs she is tentacle raped to death. (Ex. The secret episodes of Tentacle Raping in Digimon )
18. There is no such thing as ugly or even just average looking women. Ever.
19. Women are either
1. Naggy and hot
2. Helpless and hot
3. Horny and hot (though very few. They don't want to be too obvious." wink
20. If a tough tomboy girl must dress in girly fashion (usually to enter a contest) and train with lady manner, she will hate it at first but eventually found such girly stuff isn't bad at all. She will be the most cute and adorable person when contest event occur.
1. After the contest, the tomboy girl may adopt the girly dress and behavior for the rest of show. And even if she doesn't, a comment from her love interest about how she looks good in a dress will make her keep some of her girliness throughout the next few episodes.
2. This is contrast to American Animation, where tomboy girl will look incredible silly in girly dress (proof that American make-up artist is worse) and fail the training until the end. She will then risk everybody's effort by being herself in the contest. This last resort tactic usually went well, fortunately.
21. If a woman is even remotely ugly, she is evil.
22. At least once per two episodes, a large breasted woman must get her shirt cut open (ex. Tenjho Tenge)
23. A girl who wears glasses will gain unrivaled beauty when she removes them.
1. She may even have personality changes, from creepy nerd to shy, kind, and sweet chick (i.e. Gundam Wing). Note that this law only applies to a good girl; evil girls still gain the unrivaled beauty but have an even more devious personality.
24. An alien can be incredibly beautiful by human standards. Especially if the heroine is alien, she will look like a typical Japanese school girl, even if the rest of her kind look like relatives of Cthulhu. (ex. Eureka Seven)
25. In mecha anime, the underage girl pilot always has a unique mech. This is partially because said girl usually has exceptional skills or special abilities, but mostly because it will please the audience.
26. If the girl has a brother anywhere in the series, there will be 10-45% chance of incest. This statistic is increased to 95% if she has a long lost brother or a brother she hasn't seen for, like, 16 years. (ex. Onegai Twins, Koi Kaze, Elfin Lied)
General Physical Laws/Unexplainable Phenomena
1. Acceleration is not equal to force over mass, but rather an independent variable sometimes called "whatever I feel like". This allows heroes with no real training to jump over buildings, accelerate to unhealthy speeds from a dead stop in a second, change the direction of their jumps (and start spinning) in midair, and many other feats that make the real world seem boring and pointless.
2. Also, gravity has little to no effect on people while they are performing said feats... Unless it suddenly does. Surprise!
3. The few characters in the anime/manga that are NOT Japanese, will always have either Japanese names, or really messed up names no regular person would have (ex, Negi from Negima)
4. The bad guy MUST have an unnatural hair color, preferably silver or white. (e.g. Sephiroth)
5. Character's hair and clothes are almost indestructible. The only exception is the shirt. After a long intense battle, the shirt must at least be missing a sleeve.(ex. Dragon Ball Z)
1. Also note that girl's clothing is much easier to rip than a guy's. It is possible that girl's clothes are made with same material that super hero costumes are, as the clothes always cover a girl's private part no matter how badly damage they are (unless you're watching hentai).
6. When a person jumps an innumerable amount of feet in the air, makes a killing blow, or both, they fall at 1/5 of regular speed while the rest of the world reacts normally.
7. In all no-way-out situations, 1 + 1 really does equal a window.
8. Otherworldly beings always immediately know how to speak Japanese/English/French/whatever. (I.e. Keroro).
9. Even the most drastic and dire injuries can be cured by the next episode.
10. When injured, characters receive bandages instantly - even without going to the hospital or calling an ambulance.
11. The larger and tougher-looking someone is, the weaker they are, and vice-versa.(Ex. Pokémon)
12. Concerning mechs, the larger and heavier a mech is, the faster and more agile it will be; This can however be incorrect if the larger heavier mech is piloted by the bad guy, in which case it will be clumsy.
13. Additionally, transformation (mecha, magical girl, monster, building, whatever) must be shown transforming in slow motion EVERY TIME they are shown, rather than only the first time.(Ex. Digimon)
14. People normally dress up in what people today would consider embarrassing (see cosplay).
15. Male (and sometimes female) characters have at least 13 gallons of blood. (ex. Bleach)
16. You do NOT write fanfics about MY SESSHY CHAN, b***h!
17. According to the Anime Face Expansion theory, which was turned into a law on the 17th of September, 2006, people in the world of anime can stretch their mouths past their faces, into a two-dimensional space that has no real existence.
18. The amount of energy exerted while jumping has absolutely nothing to do with how long one remains in the air, or for that matter, how many times you can kick someone before coming back down.
19. Time, along with inertia, is applied selectively. Seconds can easily become hours, especially if the hero(es) need a great amount of time to do something like stop a bomb, run out of a building, or read a book about butterflies, or have to figure something out during a combat. This law is also related to love.
20. Sometimes hair can naturally be outrageously spiky without the use of products. In some instances, it can even retain its shape instantly.
21. You will always become stronger and have extra stamina if you scream at the top of your lungs, e.g. Dragonball Z.
22. A character's eyes are the size of their mouth open, and five times larger than the nose.
23. Any substance or place containing the word "Tokyo" in it is 10 times more explosive than dynamite. Use of the Neo, Neu, or Mega prefixes increases this to 100 times. If a city has been christened Neumeganeotokyo, it will be the site of an inter dimensional rift that will summon Tentacle Monsters.
24. Whenever something witty or plain stupid is said, the heads of any intelligent being are jettisoned towards the ground. Their heads may also start sweating profusely.
25. Explosions or blasts have less graphic effects on people. Generally, whenever engulfed in a powerful blast, they either completely survives, covered in ash, or are disintegrated mid-beam.
26. If there were a gigantic monster or force taking over the world, there are two options for an army.
1. They don't exist.
2. Their most powerful forces don't have any effect on the enemy.
27. No matter what timeframe the show is set in -- past, present, or future -- the main hero and his antagonist will both use a sword for a weapon. These swords will be far more powerful than any gun and often capable of distance attacks.
28. A sword can cut through everything except other swords (including wooden swords). The only exception to this rule is if you don't have faith in your sword. (ex. Bleach)
29. And no matter how big that big-a** sword is, no character will stand out in a crowd.
30. No matter how many times you use that sword to strike armored targets or fire that gun on full auto mode it will never break, jam or need any form of maintenance unless it is critical to the story that the weapon breaks, jams or needs maintenance.
31. The "Invisible Sheath". (Ex.: A sword can be attached to a person's side or back without a belt or a sheath to hold it in)
32. Once engaged in a fight, all time around the fight halts.
33. When someone dies, it rains.
1. When everyone has gotten over the loss and remembered how wonderful the person was, the sun comes out.
34. Though some attacks are strong enough to destroy planets, when used against an enemy, the most that remains is a crater. With the characters watching from the sidelines unharmed.
35. Some animals take on intelligent properties usually attributed to humans.
36. Every character has one set of clothes.
37. One black person max per anime. Other characters (despite their physical features) are usually Japanese unless stated otherwise.
38. Swords are the most powerful weapons. Guns, missiles, and bombs are ineffective. (ex. Somebody brings a gun to shoot the monster and the bullets bounce off, yet then the hero despite being armed with antique/obsolete medieval sword can slash the stuffing out of the monster)
39. Some objects on a person may have their own center of gravity. (Ex: Belts that are too big around can still stay in place around their waist)
40. In the event of a card game, the hero can always spawn from nowhere cards that would be completely useless in any other situation, but are exactly what he needs now. (ex. Yu-Gi-Oh)
41. That b***h is always in it. I hate her.
42. The later a character is introduced, the more badass they are likely to be.
43. The more badass/popular/liked a character is, the quicker they will die off/go into a coma/"run away". (ex. Nadesico)
44. Anime characters are immune from such mundane hazards as intense heat, freezing cold, or poison gas... except when they're suddenly not. Surprise!
45. When the main character is forced to do some complex or dangerous task for the first time, even though he has never done it before he will still always be better than the oldest veteran.
46. An anime character can fall any distance onto anything without suffering anything worse than brief unconsciousness. In fact, falling a huge distance is an excellent cure for otherwise fatal wounds -- anyone who you see shot, stabbed, or mangled and then tossed off a cliff is guaranteed to return later in the game with barely a scratch.
47. The Moral Of The Story: Every problem in the universe can be solved by finding the right long-haired pretty boy and beating the crap out of him.
48. If you are doing something awesome random flashing streaking colors will soon past you in the background.
49. Whenever the hero is in danger, the ex-enemy would usually wait until the last second to miraculously save him, then get beat up until he and the hero team up. (Ex.Vegeta)
50. While it may take most people 10 years to develop some incredible skill or ability, the main character can always do it in three days. This also applies to regaining powers that have been permanently stripped and are unattainable by humans. However, failing to complete the assigned task ALWAYS results in death, period. (ex. Bleach, Naruto)
51. When failing to complete an assigned task results in death, the hero will always seem hopelessly doomed to failure, then miraculously succeed at the very last possible moment, or, occasionally, at the moment just after he is supposed to have died.
 Mulerrific5000 · Sat Oct 20, 2007 @ 03:52am · 0 Comments |
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Do I not raise your pants?