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Quotes


There are three kinds of people in the world: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder "What the hell just happened?!"
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"Dear Hokage, Your crystal ball didn't make a good baseball, you can have it back. Love, Team Trinity Six."
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"Rejection happens to all of us. It's an unpleasant, unavoidable part of life, like Britney Spears or dying."
- Matthew Diffee
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when life gives you lemons make grape juice and sit back and let the world wonder how you did it...
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92% of the teen population would be dead if Abercrombie and Fitch or Hollister said it wasn't cool to breathe anymore. Put this in your signature if you're one of the 8% who would be watching and laughing your arse off.
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I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
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A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
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If carrots got you drunk rabbits would be ******** up.
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I'm against picketing but I don't know how to show it.
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(All quotes by Mitch Hedberg)
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There is something about sitting in balcony’s that compels you to throw things at people-
--Marilyn Manson
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Xander: I laugh in the face of danger. Then I run and hide until it goes away.
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There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
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Silence is golden; duct tape is silver.
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Never Trust a Computer you can't throw out a window.
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42% of kids have ADD (attention deficit disorder). If you like pie, put this in your sig.
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Crazy? I was crazy once, but then I died and they buried me and the bugs ate me. Bugs? Bugs drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once...
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MY SIG PWNS YOU ALL!!!!!11!!
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70% of statistics are made up on the spot.
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With great geekiness comes great responsibility
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And on the eighth day, god created fangirls...shortly thereafter, he said unto Adam..."my bad"
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[a plasma grenade exploded on Donut's head]
Simmons: Sarge, we need to get Donut airlifted out of here.
Sarge: Could you put that in a memo and entitle it "s**t I Already Know'?
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Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
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(At scary carnival house)
"I'd go cry in the corner but I'm scared of the corner...."
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I got the skills that pay the bills......well I like to think I do.
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No s**t Sherlock! Wanna call Captain Obvious to double-check your findings?
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Don't blame yourself for anything, just blame it on the person next to you...
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My Anger management class pisses me off.
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And then, in the quarter of a second, in the blink of an eye, NOTHING HAPPENED.
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If crack, duck tape, and a band aid can't fix it then you've got a problem.
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If a chocolate bar says ‘now with real chocolate!’ then what were you eating before?!
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90% of teens today would die if Myspace had a system failure and was completely destroyed. If you are one of the 10% that would be laughing, copy and paste this to your signature.
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~It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye, then it's hilarious~
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Well you just wasted 5 seconds of your time reading this signature
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An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
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Are you thinking about a**l sex?
...

You are now.
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3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.
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Nothing in this world is more exhilarating than being shot at... and missed.
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"Which would you prefer: Death, or cake?" "Death. I mean cake!" "You said death!" "I meant cake!"

"Are you ready for... THE LAB EXAM FROM HELL?? BUAWHAHAHAAHAAAAA!"
"....Ok, I'm *Death*. And that scared me."
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A friend is the one who try to get you out of jail.

A REAL friend would be in the cell next to you saying "Damn... but that was SO much fun!"
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98% of Deviants don't know the difference between "your" and "you're." If you're one of the 2% that wants to punch 'em, put this in your sig.
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“Malik... Marik... you're scaring the heterosexuals...”
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Just try to comprehend that which you'll never comprehend
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"At first it WAS hair, then Mr. Fork met Mrs. Toaster and it was never the same again."
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Find the Secret Message? - utPay hisTay nIay ourYay rofilePay fIay ourYay a luentFay iglatinPay peakerSay
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The voices in my head tell me to beat and torture you within an inch of your life and feed you to a pack of starving wolverines!
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You know someone's a true friend when you call them to tell them that you just killed someone and the first thing they say is, "ok, where do we hide the body?"
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If there is life on other planets they must be using the earth as their insane asylum.
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Stress: The mind's reaction to suppressing the urge to beat the s**t out of some moron who really deserves it!
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If you have attempted Alchemy by drawing an array or by clapping your hands, copy and paste this in your signature.
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"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every second of it."
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"Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light."
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A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
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Last night I was on my bed looking at the stars wondering....WHERE THE HELLS MY CEILING?!
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CONGRATULATIONS YOUR ALL THE RETARDED OFFSPRING OF MONKEYS HAVING BUTT SEX - Mrs. Garrison/Mr. Garrison
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~ "We're not retreating, we're advancing in a different direction!"
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"The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other b*****d die for his." General George S. Patton
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-You're only young once, but you can be immature forever!
-I'm not messy, I'm just organizationally challenged!
-I ran with scissors. AND LIVED!
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Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
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-A limo that can fly? Now I've seen everything.
-Have you ever seen a man eat his own head?
-No
-Well then you haven't seen everything, have you?
-Team America: World Police
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"A man with no fear will eventually get f**ked up the a** in his lifetime."
~Lucus Syphu, after a few beers.
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theY dOn't take me serioUsly, Screw yoU CracKheads
(if you can decipher that message & it pissed you off, you're smart)
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English doesn't borrow from other languages; English follows other languages down dark alleys, knocks them over, and sifts through their pockets for loose grammar.
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"Wars are good for humanity...you know, population control." ~Hillman
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If today is the tomorrow that we thought about yesterday, then what is the yesterday we'll think about tomorrow?
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Come to the dark side, we have cookies.
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I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they go by. -Douglas Adams
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I bet the only reason your reading this sig is because you saw a llama, isn't it? ...O_o Interesting...
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Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. But from his side to be equal, under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved.
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"Anything can fly with enough explosives."
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When life gives you lemons, read them! You know you want to!
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"You're only a ***** if you can spell it.

… Crap."
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"Gay sex is either two guys having sex, or two people having sex and having a VERY good time!"
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"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush

"Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss."

“Why should I kill you? By all rights, natural selection should do that on its own.”

“… You’re bizarre… How the hell did I end up with a nutcase like you? Next to you, my split personality disorder looks like a cute personality quirk.”
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you laugh at me because im 3 months younger than you, but when your 40 and im still 39 who will be laughing
PROCRASTINATORS UNITE!

...Tomorrow.
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The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
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I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
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Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat
word for word what you shouldn't have said.
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There is no problem that cannot be solved by the use of high explosives.

You can have my gun when you pry it from my paranoid, mentally disturbed, physically-abusive, cold, dead hand.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for~!
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"Tell me, do you think through these things, or does it ever even occur to you that you might be doing something stupid?"

~My little sister to me, when she found me roasting cookies over the toaster.
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I like them - I like them before you liked them. You HATE them compared to how much I like them!

"My ninja skills are so high my keyboard seems to be retarded"