How the world has turned. I read my last entry. I was incoherent. Am I more or less crazy now? Probably both. I'm in a hole. It's strange. I feel things now, but all fake. I think, probably even rationally, but it's not me. My emotions are covered by a wall of grey. Then a blanket of denial. Then this me that is for the world. It is a parody of my true self. But I don't know my true self anymore, so it's hard to be too upset. Can she love me if I'm not me. Even if she loves what she sees it's not me. So I should dig myself out. Be what I am. But I have no X to mark the spot. I fear that what I really am is lost, of course until it's too late. Of course. I know he's like that. Me I mean. Need a job, but won't get one. Why? I don't know. Of course her dad wasn't the problem. I blamed him. He's stupid, doesn't help anything. But the emotions, the poison was really her mom the whole time. I'm like a yo-yo. Both me and the parody. I remember that. So next month it'll probably someone new to blame. Me? sure, and then? My bike was stolen today. I loved her. I can't shake the feeling that she'll be back. I find that it's true that there are no atheists in foxholes. Logically that's quite a condemnation of religion as a whole. Not that religion needed more condemnation. Of course the pillars, those things that were so central to my identity that they resonate both in the parody and in the core, are my love of her, and my mom, pride, and fear. Bah. Yo-yo even as I write. Hope that I shall be me before long. Will he be strong? I have to act. Damn my caution. Cowardice. To protect her. Maybe I can... If I know myself well enough, maybe I can force myself into a situation where I have no choice. Dangerous game. Worth the risk?
tune in next time for more strange ramblings from a depressed psycho.
 seven0three · Fri Nov 29, 2013 @ 11:43am · 0 Comments |
