Hope...I would like to say that it exist, but it is getting to a point where I am starting to believe there is no such thing. It seems like efforts are just completely meaningless any more in just about every situation. How do you succeed in pleasing someone that is impossible to please? Why put so much effort into something any more when all your efforts only end up meaningless and not good enough? I really just do not understand it any more. I try and try and try...but nothing is able to please him in any way. The sweet things I do don't matter to him. The constant apologies are said to be false yet they come from the bottom of my heart. He even gets irritated when I thank him for his help on something. Why? Why act like this? I know I had hurt him, but he had hurt me as well. He did more than hurt me actually. He killed me. The day he walked away was the day that I had died. I ended up losing myself, and never found myself again until he asked me to be his again, but now he spends his days gradually killing me and picking me apart until there is nothing left, but yet I am the one foolish enough to stick around and keep dealing with it in hopes of the situation getting better...hoping that love can over come these obstacles and lead to a better future one day. Pfft. ******** love in all honesty. Love brings no joy really. It only brings sorrow...hurt...agony....grief..despair.....so why stick around for it? The heart has a funny way of doing that. Logically you know it is better to run, but the heart over comes that logic and leads you in a different direction. Love is murderous. It really is, and the sad part is...is that there is a very thin line between love and hate, and I am at the point where I am stuck dead center between them both. I hate him....he causes me so much hurt...so much pain, and finds so much pleasure into ripping my heart to shreds and making me feel as though I am worthless...useless....nothing at all, but I still love him, and I hate myself for loving him. I'm still with him. I deal with these things, and I bust my a** trying to make things work, but I am so sick and tired of being the only one to put any effort into anything. I want a future with him. He is scared of a future with me. He says he cannot trust me. Why not? Yes....I hid things from him after he had left me, but in reality...those things were none of his business. He broke my heart. He walked away from me, and I tried to pick up the remains of what was left of myself, but there was nothing left of myself, and I got caught up in a lifestyle I was always against...that I refused to live, but I found myself again. Me losing myself doesn't make me a weak person. Everyone loses themselves at some point in life. I'm a nineteen year old girl....almost twenty now. I'm going through some of the hardest moments in life. I'm taking steps into adulthood...trying to survive in this world and find a job to support myself as a being before I end up a homeless person looking for scraps on the street. I'm going through changes in my mental processes...starting to see the world differently....starting to see reality and see the world for what it is. This doesn't make me a horrible person. This shows that I am learning...that the naivety that has gotten me into so much trouble over the years is finally falling away, and I am thinking things through more clearly in life, but my head is still foggy either way. I still can't see straight. I still can't think straight...because he is blocking my way. He is the clutter residing within the depths of my mind, and he keeps throwing things about and making a mess of it all. He's killing me...yet I am allowing it, and this makes me pathetic as a being, but I simply can't walk away. I have too much fight in me....too much hope of things changing, but it has been two months now...almost three...and the path is still going in the same direction, and it isn't the right one....and it is just getting to the point where sooner or later I will just be dead because of it all. Emotionally....I am already ruined...I am already dead...numb towards everything, but how much longer will it be before the physical aspects of his emotional abuse die along with it as well? I just don't know what to do any more...
Encrypted_Secrets09 Community Member 
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