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More and more as days go on...I am sad. I am in a spiraling sort of depression and I do not know what to do. Maybe, a good part of it is the fact I simply no longer see the sun. I heard, being nocturnal ******** with you like that. I do not know though.
Maybe, it is the fact I feel I cannot do a thing right. No matter what it is, I feel like I should be trying harder. Or that I just messed up in one way or another. It is unsettling, and it makes me feel...devalued. If that makes any sense.
Or perhaps it is the fact that no one appreciates me. Or at least, they do not show it openly without first being prompted. I let people have whatever they need from me. I go out of my way to please them...and I hardly get thank yous or...hell. I hardly get ACKNOWLEDGED. Even Andy, who I have talked to about making me feel needed...since the scare... does not do it. Well, that is a lie now that I think about it, there is ONE person. A person I have not even met, and yet he makes me feel a bit better in this sense. Though in order to talk to that person I have to get flack from my boyfriend. Does not mean I will stop... not now, not ever. Not for ANDY anyway. The one person that is trying to make me feel better about myself, I have NO intention of cutting ties with.
Maybe, it is the fact that my, oh so caring boyfriend has decided to never quit smoking. Not because he needs it...or because it REALLY does anything for him. No, because he WANTS to. He took me WITH HIM to get his cigarettes today...finally dousing my hopes that he will stop. If he ends up like my father...or like his mother and yells at me over those ******** cancer sticks....I swear I will leave him. I have already warned him.... I WILL NOT SPEND ANY MORE OF MY LIFE trying to be someone's priority over cigarettes.
Hell, he could just smoke pot and kill me faster. Save me the thoughts of doing it myself.
I still do not know what I want to do with my life. I want,,,,badly to do something helping people. A lawyer...a nurse....doctor....vet... something. I want to feel important in some way. Though I am stuck at DeVry Currently....in a tech field. Which is not bad...just not my cup of tea right now.
I also do not know what is going to happen with Andy and me...as a couple. I love him, more then I can fathom explaining...but I do not think he took anything I said seriously. I told him, that I wanted to get therapy together. I also told him that I wanted to live with my friends next year...though he thinks I was lenient on that part of it. I want to get some space. I feel smothered and cannot give him the affection level he wants if I see him ALL the time. I know that...but he is convinced it would make us further apart emotionally. I doubt, seriously, that ANYTHING could make us more further apart emotionally. I have been trying SO HARD to make him happy and show him I love him.... but I just feel like... I do not know. He is never happy unless I am doing what he wants, at all times. I will go with him to a movie and when I get back and want me time, he expects me to cuddle, or watch him play video games? He made me feel unimportant and crushed my spirit not two weeks ago. Forgive me for having a poor attitude and being reserved.
Makes no sense to me....and I simply CAN NOT keep it up. I am exhausted, my body is feeling the stress. I need some time ALONE to clear my head...decide what I want...What I want for ME. Not because it would make anyone else happy. Hell, now I have to consider maybe even WHO I want. Though that will be another entry entirely.
Unfortunately, I am stuck here. I started work once more, which makes me feel fulfilled at least...but I cannot leave. I do not have the freedom of being able to go home and see my mother, puppy, and friends. I have to stay here.
Oh well. I will have to survive as long I can. When I crack under the pressure, or end up going insane... I cannot say I did not see it coming.
Hope to feel better soon and give you all happier updates.
Love and Peace.
-ptn-
 -part time ninja- · Tue Mar 10, 2009 @ 03:43pm · 1 Comments |
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