Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

 
 

View User's Journal

Stupid-no-Jutsu : The art of being stupid.
Finally released in a totally unabridged format.
Hrm...


Hm. I am not looking for a new ******** toy. Infact I wish I could erase ever losing my virginity and stick to my old plan of losing it after I was married.

What I am looking for is a boyfriend. You don't have to have sex with them, or even ******** marry the first person you ******** meet. Now in my opinion that is the stupidest thing you could ever do.

The people I am around these days make me happy that I didn't kill myself. They're funny, outgoing, and interesting. I know I would love to have a friendship with each of them.

I do not know why I like this person, but he has something that Raymond did not. I cannot name it exactly, since I have no idea what it is just yet. I just know its something that he never had. I love the feeling I get when I see him. It makes me just want to laugh, and be happy for once. The same with a lot of people. They make me want to be happy. When I looked at Raymond, I felt love, but also the urge to put him above my own happiness. I did that, and look where it got me.

I'm still alone.

When I look at his picture now all I see is the person that put me through hell, and in some ways I am happy to be rid of him. He's now someone else's problem. Its like the sun is shining a little brighter here, and things just seem to carefree. I know I have to get my life together still, but I'm happy knowing I can like who I want, and do as I please. It sucks because I don't have that special someone there for me when I need them, but that shouldn't be the greatest of my problems.

I've made a lot of new friends since Raymond left. I'm talking to more people, and I've been going places. Hell, I went Black Star Canyon with Mike and Brad to meet other people that I barely knew. I took a chance, and I had a blast.

I still have those moments where I look at some of the things I forgot to pack that belonged to Raymond and I think to myself "I could have changed." I was too late. But if Raymond and I were still together I probably wouldn't have been able to expirence all these new things. I'd still hold the same feelings for some people though. I probably would have been the one breaking up with him by now.

Hell, sometimes it feels surreal that I was with Raymond. Everything is like a distant memory that you're not sure about. The only memory that truly stands out is our first kiss. That is something I will never forget. I just can't wait for the time when I can replace that memory with a new one. I have so much to learn and expirence, I just want to expirence it before it is too late.

I've been thinking about moving to Germany with my family. If my grandparents will allow it, I might be accompanying them when they go to Germany next May. It would be nice to see the family I never really knew I had. And go to Holland and France. I wouldn't be able to do that if Raymond was still here. I would have felt obligated to stay with him, or fear that he'd cheat on me. But we all know he did that already.

I don't know, I just feel like this wall has been shattered and there is a world full of life and adventure out there for me to explore. I can't wait till I get the chance to expirence everything life has to offer. I want to love again, and be loved. I want to explore this country and others. I want to go for my dreams (whatever they may be) and just be free.

Perhaps I am still living in my fantasy world. Because who am I kidding, he wouldn't like me back. No one would. I'll probably end up being his friend, and that would be fine with me. Whatever happens, happens. I just wish I had someone to hold, or be held by.

Its just natural to want such things.

Hm. To think, come June I would have probably been engaged. I doubt it though.

Sometimes I just wonder what could have been.







User Comments: [4] [add]
Hugz4Hoboz
Community Member
avatar
commentCommented on: Tue Apr 05, 2005 @ 03:21am
I've heard that Holland is a nice place. Just by viewing your writing I can sense your a very intelligent individual, so I hope everything will be better than when you had troubles with Raymond.
~C.K.


commentCommented on: Tue Apr 05, 2005 @ 05:56am
My father and my grandmother both say it is a wonderful place. Hell, my dad wants to move back there.

*bows* And thank you.



ShaIIow
Community Member
Clewgurl88
Community Member
avatar
commentCommented on: Tue Apr 05, 2005 @ 05:36pm
well I support you in whatever you want to do tina.


commentCommented on: Wed Apr 06, 2005 @ 12:46am
I'm so glad to hear that you have found some people that you like to be with and that you're happy to be alive. Don't think about what ifs, it never does anyone any good. Instead think about now and the future. I hope your week goes fantastic. heart 3nodding



Phe
Community Member
User Comments: [4] [add]
 
 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum