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The more I think, the more I realize things.
My feelings for this person do not go far. Its the whole "I do not know this person" that makes me feel this way. Or maybe its the fact that I just got out of something I thought would last forever. You know...the desperate feeling to love again or be loved. Its a nice feeling to like someone, but when its reach does not go far enough it just doesn't feel "right".
To be honest, I don't see many attractive qualities in the people I am interested in. ...They're different. And different is good. But they have and lack certain things. Just as Raymond does. It hurts my head to keep going over these things, unsure about everything. I'd like to get into a relationship again and not worry that I'll -have- to do things with them. I let my emotions get the better of me, and I thought I had a sure thing. That is why I did all the things I did (excluding what got me in jail). I thought I had a love that would last forever. I was told that it would never die. Boy was I told that so many times. It was deep rooted in my heart, but I never showed it. I was comfortable with myself, and everything I was around Raymond. Now I have to find another person I can share the same comfort level with.
I know I shouldn't be looking, but I have this feeling that it will slip away. Personally I don't think I will make another man happy. I'm destined to be alone, no matter how slender I get. People keep telling me I have this nice figure starting to show. If I ever perfect this, I still probably won't find anyone.
I kinda want it to be someone I like, but at the same time that is just a weird feeling. These people...they're like friends. Not boyfriends... but I want the stupid giggly feeling to just disappear.
Because its common knowledge, no one will like this Tina.
I'm not that ugly. But still, not good enough. I lack something, and that is atmosphere. I have none. Tiffany has it. Raymond was attracted to Tiffany, just like other guys are. Even if it is not in a relationship way, people are drawn to her. To be honest, I kinda wish I was like her. She's a good friend.
With Raymond being attracted to her, it made me realize that he wasn't the one for me. I knew it then, and I know it now. I just wanted to hang on to that thread. Yeah, yeah I know I ruined it all. Thats why I still think about killing myself. I make things harder for people. I just need that one ounce of stability. Thats where I teeter between liking this person and not. I am not attracted to him physically. I've cut myself off to that. Its just so confusing and annoying that I just want to rip out my insides.
I'm too scared to figure things out on my own, because that will give away my feelings. And I can't expose them. I'm too fragile to have that exposed. I admit I am just starting to piece things together, but I am still fragile. As Andrea once said, I have a heart of glass. It can break easily. I just want to know if its a go before I try to figure out my feelings a little more. I just need to do it in a way that no one knows that I like so and so and what not. Several so and sos.
Life is like a merry-go-round, and I fell off.
And the landing sucked.
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