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I am so sick and tired of feeling down. I question my actions and my mind and heart and if i actually care for Kitty, and by questioning it i block the clearness that screams OF CORSE U DO, and feeling this way effects her, she just wants to be happy, w/e the ******** is going on with me is ruining it, and i am so damn tired of everything in the world right now. You know, its like, let the suicide bombers come, no ones doing s**t to stop it, we're all waiting till we die or they are, so they can be in heaven, ((which i question now)) and away from all this. If God is really there, i dont get his plan.. i dont ever see how he can just let this happen but w/e its His way i guess, and if satan is real he does a real good ******** job of hurt in my life. OH btw for all those of u who might think i'm emo, um kiss my a**. I'm actually hurting inside, and this is a journal no? so i will right on how i feel, i really do hurt and i dont know why, i feel like i lie, i feel guilt, i feel alone, i feel like the world is fake, i feel like God just sits there and watch, and my mom tries to help, but shes insane to me, it doesnt work she makes me feel worse im in a horrible invironment i have to breath oddly like slow breathing or sigh/yawning w/e its odd i feel pressured i feel very pressured i hate this school i hate this family i hate this life and i am starting to hate God, which if u havent heard is bad, so i'll go to hell for having confusion and pain i guess. All i do is try and be good, NO I'LL ADMIT, not always fully good and i dont strive as hard as i could, but i dont know anymore ^_^ let hell come i guess, i'm very tired of this s**t, sorry for all the ppl i've hurt or made feel bad but really IM HUMAN BEAN, I;M TIRED OF ALWAYS HOLDING IT IN, OR TRYING, ITS NOT FAIR! AND I AM SO TIRED OF ALL THESE FAKE LITTLE SMILES THAT MY FAMILY PUTS ON, GET OVER IT WE ALL KNOW ITS BAD SO STOP KIDDING URSELF, I'M 16 NOT 4 ********!! I am so tired of it all and i'm confused and lost and i cant even feel love for my bestfriend, one of the sweatest, if not all honesty THE sweetest girl, or human being ever. She puts up with more than enough of this, and when these feelings of mine spread to our relationship that's when i get pissed off, i pray she doesnt get hurt, apparentlly i dont do it correctly or somthing, because she still does, and not by me always, that is my own fault if i hurt her, which i hope i dont. I;m very tired of it, i just want her to be truely happy and safe, and i do too but man its like no matter what i do. I seem to have no life outside this computer, which yes sucks. I love Cat and all ((i think, it's so clouded by anger and frustration and sadness that i honestly cant tell)) but i want more..its selfish i suppose but i want to feel GOOD for once. I cant draw certain things cuz it allows satan in deeper, OH WELL WHOP DE ******** DEE, HES EVERYWHERE!! MY GOD SATAN IS LIKE EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING, AND AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES IT? MUSIC, THE MEDIA, LIFE EVERYTHING!! GOD AND JUST UGHH WTF IS WITH CELEBERATIES? ((see i get so mad i start to not make sense)) (((er frustrated w/e))) My mom's told me that i just am a very deep person, well ******** it take it away someone cuz i am tired of it. I want to have fun for once, iw ant to know Kitty is happy inside and out and me along with her, i want to feel happy when we goof off, not torn up inside, and i want alot of things but i dont always get what i want. If anyone says "emo" look at urself whoever u are..u know u feel this, if not a small portion of anger or sorrow once in ur damn life, and if ur sad do i call u emo? no i dont, so shut up. Forgive me all i guess, i am very mad and it seems like nothing is going to get better, i mean i cant even cry straight, i really cant it feels all forced i feel like just nothing somtimes i dont know. So bam there. prob more but i cant think right now, or i dont want to type anymore. W/e does it really matter?