Star Wars... it's no secret that I used to be a huge Star Wars fan... I used to read tons of books, know volumes of trivia, the names of alien races and background characters, and I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on every kind of Star Wars merchandise you can think of. To my great regret, almost every rant I've written mentions Star Wars at least once. Yes, I was the biggest Star Wars fan I knew... but now I'm NOT. I have officially labeled myself "FORMER Star Wars Fan." Why has this happened to me? I'll tell you why. The Star Wars Prequels. Curse them. Sometimes I sit and think about why these three movies, that had such potential to be so great, turned out to be some of the lamest pieces of trash ever made. It's really quite sad, and it presents a great mystery to me. Why is it that the Prequels are so much DIFFERENT than the Old Trilogy? The Old Trilogy are classic sci-fi epics aimed at a young adult audience, while the Prequels are just flashy, cartoonish, trashy flicks aimed at kids. There's almost no resemblance! WHY?!?!?! Well, after giving the subject much thought, I have finally come up with the answer! A theory I call...
THE GREAT STAR WARS MARKETING SCHEME
The Star Wars Prequels were not made to be movies. They were never intended to simply be movies. They're just part of a marketing scheme. That's why the storyline, characters, script, and actors stink so bad. Only the so-called "special effects" are any good. But they almost constitute the entire movie. Most of the fight scenes that you see are not really fights, but all just special effects in a computer. Totally fake. I'd be willing to bet that at least 80% of the whole movie trilogy was simply CGI (Computer Generated Imagery). I know for a fact that the so-called "actors" who we are forced to watch bumble around on screen did most of their bumbling in front of a green-screen or blue-screen (in other words, no background, just a colored board that was later replaced with CGI). Did you know that EVERY SINGLE CLONE TROOPER in "Attack of the Clones" was computer generated? That's right - not a single one of them was real. You might as well be watching Toy Story. At least everyone knows that Toy Story is just a CGI comedy aimed at kids. Most people still deny that the Star Wars Prequels are exactly the same thing (and they are).
Not to mention, Toy Story is just better. Way better.
Now I will reveal the secrets of this huge marketing scheme... You see, Lucas thought about the movies themselves and only the movies when he was making the Old Trilogy. He later said (this is a REAL QUOTE, people!!!): "I figured if I got posters and T-shirts and things with the name of the movie on it, it would help promote the movie. The whole idea that licensing would be a revenue stream didn't occur to anybody." After the release of the Old Trilogy, Georgey-Porgy Lucas suddenly realized the truth - that he was getting TONS AND TONS OF MONEY from merchandise. And most of that money wasn't coming from the young adult target audience. It was coming from KIDS. Little kids, some not even teenagers yet. Action figures, toy guns, costumes, posters, dolls, collectibles, video games, books, t-shirts, boxer shorts, breakfast cereal, pajamas, soap bars, school supplies, office supplies, shampoo, bumper stickers, jewelry, happy meal toys, probably some stuff I shouldn't even mention here.. YOU NAME IT!!!
[These were made into action figures. Yeah, Star Wars M&M action figures. That's like merchandising within the merchandising within the merchandising...
But then Lucas thought (this one's not a real quote) "Well gee, there just isn't enough different stuff (ships, weapons, characters, etc.) in these three movies to keep the money flowing in forever... so I think I should make some new ones!" He came up with a devious plan...
He crammed as much different STUFF into the prequels as he possibly could (and he targeted it at a younger audience to boot). Stop and think about it. Every Prequel movie features completely different stuff from the previous one! Almost NOTHING is the same! New actors, new costumes, new heroes, new villains, new starships, new vehicles, EVERYTHING. DO YOU EVER SEE THE SAME SHIP IN TWO DIFFERENT PREQUEL MOVIES?! EVER?!?! I mean, just check out the CLONE TROOPERS for crying out loud!
And, as usual... that's not all of them.
And the most sickening thing about all the clones made for the Marketing Scheme is how many kids fall for it... I get e-mails all the time from people who know every clone commander's name by heart and just looove clone troopers... It's disturbing.
Not only that, but there is a large space of time between each one in which the storylines of novels, video games, cartoons, etc. could be crammed. All in all, it makes for one helluva marketing scheme. Here is the Breakdown...
Star Wars - Episode 1: The Phantom Marketing Scheme
Goodguys: Young Obi-Wan (beardless spike-haired apprentice with pigtails), Qui-Gon Jinn, Queen Amidala (who changes outfits every scene), young Anakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd)
Good army: The Naboo defense forces, with their Speeders and Naboo Starfighters, as well as Jedi of various shapes, sizes, species, and colors
Badguys: Darth Maul, wimpy Nemodians, Darth Sidious
Bad army: Battle droids (tan and color-coded), Destroyer Droids, Droid Fighters
- time lapse in which stories can be made about Anakin's training with Obi-Wan, nothing of which is shown in the movies, and about the Jedi and the Republic, etc. -
Star Wars - Episode 2: Attack of the Lame Title
Goodguys: Obi-Wan (now with beard), Anakin (now spike-haired, pig-tailed apprentice played by Hayden Christiansen), Padmé (now a senator, also with new outfits)
Good army: Jedi (of various shapes, sizes, species, and colors), Clone Troopers (with some odd-colored commanders), Republic Gunships, AT-TE's, Jedi Starfighters (red triangles)
Badguys: Forget Maul, now we have Count Dooku and Jango Fett!
Bad army: Geonosians, battle droids (now rusty-red), Super Battle Droids (new and improved!), lots of bizarre, retarded-looking new Droid vehicles
- time lapse in which stories can be set about the entire Clone War. In fact, if you don't watch the stupid Clone Wars cartoon series between Episodes 2 and 3, you're likely to not understand a lot of things in Ep3! -
Star Wars - Episode 3: Revenge of the Merchandise S#%t
Goodguys: Obi-Wan (again with different hair), Anakin (now with longer hair and a scar over his eye), Padmé (now in pregnant outfits and doesn't fight any)
Good army: Jedi (including plenty of new ones), Clone Troopers (now in COMPLETELY DIFFERENT outfits, including some brand new colorful commanders WITH THEIR OWN NAMES), new Clone walkers and vehicles, Jedi Starfighters (now, guess what? Completely different!), and tons of other new starfighters every time you turn around!
Badguys: Forget Dooku and Jango, now we have General Grievous and Emperor Palpatine!
Bad army: Battle droids, Super Battle Droids, new droid starfighters, new color schemes for everything, new vehicles, bla bla bla. I'm sure you understand the pattern by now, right?
- time lapse in which stories can be set about the extermination of the Jedi and the Empire securing its domination over the galaxy -
There you have it. All the Star Wars Prequels really are: sloppy movies made to tie together the marketing scheme. Why were there so many years between the release of each one? Duh. So they could sell as much junk as possible based on the LAST movie before it became old news with the release of the NEXT one. The movies are what all the rest of the other merchandise crap revolves around, but the movies aren't the point - it's the MERCHANDISE that's the real point now. Think about it some more. No, quit being angry at me, prequel fans, and THINK. Every time a new movie comes out, you can't go in a Wal-Mart without seeing Star Wars bullcrap plastered on every single last little thing in the entire store!
And yet, despite all of this marketing garbage, Lucas seems to not give a crap about all the EU (Expanded Universe, meaning things that were not in the movies) stuff that he makes his money on. Before he made the Prequels, there were plenty of books and comics and things already telling about such things as Boba Fett's past, but Lucas simply ignored them and invalidated them, making them now utterly worthless and inaccurate. Boba Fett wasn't the only one either. Heck, he even did it to some of the Prequel-based EU! For example, Aayla Secura, the blue-skinned half-dressed Twi-Lek Jedi that fans everywhere fell in love with for some reason *cough*, was originally EU. She first appeared in the nineteenth issue of Dark Horse Comics' "Star Wars: Republic" series (part one of "Star Wars: Twilight" wink . Lucas decided to put this EU character in the movie. Good? No, bad. He brutally killed her off in Episode III, making her get SHOT IN THE BACK. And then, to make sure she didn't get resurrected by the EU somehow (he seems to really hate that), he had them shoot her corpse a few times for good measure. Oh yeah, he really respected that character...
And you know one thing that still confuses me? Why did George Lucas target the new movies to little kids? Why did he make them so colorful and cartoony? I mean, I realize that kids unexpectedly liked the Old Trilogy so he had a lot more kid fans than he expected, but hey, if they liked the Old Trilogy, then why not make the Prequels JUST LIKE THE OLD TRILOGY, instead of making them the crapfests that they are now? It just doesn't make sense! I mean, it's not like it matters. Kids'll like anything. They don't have opinions. Take me for example. I loved Episode I at first, just because I liked to buy the merchandise and be a fan. Then when Episode II came out and smeared even more crap over the Star Wars universe, I suddenly was struck by just how dumb both of the movies were, and how stupid everything in them actually was. It was at that point that I became enlightened. And that was only about four years ago. Some people, however, are taking a lot longer...
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