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I guess i should tell my story. It began in a Catholic elementary school. It went from Kindergarten to 8th grade. From the time I started school in Kinder, to 8th, i was abused by classmates. They threw things at me, called me names, and made death threats at me. I guess it adds up to physical and emotional abuse. I went for help to the principal but all she said was all this crap about how it's wrong to hurt other people and God wouldn't have wanted it etc, etc. But the kids were never punished because their parents gave money to the school. So I suffered. When I was in 7th grade, the only guy in my class who was nice to me, was killed after being hit by a car. Then two months later, the guy i liked broke my heart by calling me names and dating the slut of my class. That weekend, my dog died, she was all that i had left and she left me. The next year i was happy that i would finally be out of there and going to high school and forgetting everything. Well, my 8th grade year was probably the worst. The threats were worse and i was getting hurt more. Finally, i sunk into deep depression and became suicidal. I was stopped from swallowing pills by a guy who came to me in my dreams and told me that he will be with me and help me get through the hard times. he did. I had a reoccuring dream that lasted 6 months. They helped me survive. When i got to high school, some kids hurt me but not as badly as before, so i forgot about my troubles thanks to a guy who became my friend and is now my best friend. No happy ending though, this year, my sophmore year, I began to be haunted by my past. I had dreams that my old classmates took all my friends and killed them and tell me that they will never let me be happy. Then i felt what seemed like a slap across the face and being called a b***h. I began to sink into total depression and became hostal toward my friends and didn't talk to anybody. My best guy friend helped me get through it. My best guy friend drove me home and i finally told him what was wrong. He listened. Told me that he loved me and left. The next day i finally showed him my wrist. I was taking a bracelet off my arm and accidently cut myself, it felt good and i forgot my pain. So i dug deeper into the cut till it bleed a lot. I slapped myself and bite my arms. I guess it felt good. He became worried and sat me down to talk. Soon he made me realize that he will never leave me and that he loved me so much. He loved me, Adam loved me, Kerrianne, Emily, and all the others. But now i've become depressed again and hurt. I now feel that i'm not good enough for anyone. I hide my depression from my parents and now my friends. I have no idea what to do anymore. I finally realized how my whole life has been nothing but crap. No matter how many times i've asked God to help me, the pain got worse. So i've now declared that since he's abandoned me, i will abandone him. I'm still forced to go to church and alter serve, but i don't listen and respond. I don't care. I asked for help and i've suffered. I'm happy for the ones who've let God into their lives and will be getting baptised, but i've lost my faith. I have no hope left for anything. No hope, happiness, and love. I've lost all of those. I don't think i can lose anything else. I've lost it all. Now i'm messed up for life because nobody could help me. Thank you for letting me get this off my chest. Sorry about my rambaling sob story.
I posted this on a support group on gaia, i thought my friends should know about all that's happened to me and why i'm messed up.
 Queen_of_the_Seven_Angels · Tue May 31, 2005 @ 12:10am · 2 Comments |
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