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Nothing but pain but all the time. I can't walk, sit, lay down, hold still, move around without it. Neither feels worse, neither feels better, always the same pain. I'm downright annoyed at this point. Stupid holes in my stomach...grrrr.

But what really is bothering me is whether or not I should tell my love, known as Ice Heart on Gaia, about how much pain I'm really in. He knows I have stomach problems and that I get heart burn alot. But sometimes I don't even want to stand its so agonizing. Its not a nice feeling to have acid bubbling at the back of your throat for 5 days straight and everything you eat only adds to the violent tendancies of the acid in the back of my throat. Literally the pain of starving is easy then the pain of eating. Nothing else has ever made me feel better. And it sucks when he gives me hug and just his gentle arms around me make me nauscious because even a little squeeze is painful.

No way to fix my stomach problem or I would have gone to any length too. Its just simply not a problem to enough people so I guess no technique has been made surgically or otherwise to patch up a MIA sphincter( stops acid from going back up throat). My sphincter that separates my stomach from my small intestine isn't in top shape either. When I had a upper G.I. done I got to see the pictures the doctors took inside of me. My upper sphincter simple wasn't and my lower was deformed and couldn't ever totally block the passage to my intestines. So I get fantastically bad heartburn and acid leaks into my intestines...hmmm painful.

But I don't think I can tell him how much pain I am really in. There was only one time when I told him to not hug me, it was too much pain. The look on his face I don't think I could bare to see it again. He felt so bad and begged me for apology for ever inadvertantly hurting me. It may not be so apparent on Gaia but I live for my love. Even though I'm on the computer on Gaia hes right next to me playing a PC game, we talk and chat and almost never leave each others company. I only truely feel happy around him. So its hard feeling this pain inside me and I don't want to hurt him by telling him.

I've lived with this pain all my life...sometimes I wonder what most people think heartburn is. Or what a stomach ache is. I wonder how they would feel living a day with my pain. And normally I try to not talk about it with other people because they pity me. If it wasn't for my need to vent and maybe hear a helping hand, to tell my love or not, I would be typing this.

Cause people who pity are like "Oh you poor thing, maybe you should eat healthy and exercise? Or how about using the low carb diet?" Blah blah. I'm THE healthiest eater I know. I love vegetables like spinach, couliflower, broccile, brussle sprouts, onion sprouts...or Fruits like oranges, bananas, kiwi, apples. I usually try to eat nuts instead of meat for protein and I drink my milk and water( and Mountain Dew!). Sure I try to only have one meal a day(My love usually gets me to eat two sweatdrop ). But its a healthly meal if you ask me!

Grrr...makes me annoyed. I don't want to hurt my love but I can't think of a good way to say," I'm in emmense pain dear can't we go to the mall tommarow?". Wait there is one thing worse then the constant pain...when I accidently take too many antacids and nuetralize my stomach acid gonk . Bad. Umm...ok thanks for listening have a great day.