What purpose in life is there if all you ever do is study? You started off in Elementary school with lots of friends, great hookups, and a fun mind. Middle school rolls around and some of those friends go to another school, others have slightly changed but are still the same people you knew five years ago. You on the other hand have been hidden by your lack of self-consciousness, you feel you can't open up to any of your friends regardless of how long you've known them. Thus you turn towards studying and homework as a comfort zone.
As those three years go by you realize that school is more important than your personal life, so you cut off all ties to your friends and hit the books. Summer rolls around and you see your friends only once; High school creeps around the corner and you see the same friends, but they have changed.
Each one drifting to their own "cliques" so to speak; you don't have the same friendly feeling between each other, comfort and fun is replace by unease and awkwardness.
You seem to respect each others boundaries more than just friendly chit-chat. With your friends gone you have nothing left to hold on to, you become insecure an quiet. Your lack of security causes you to make huge and stupid mistakes that you regret later on.
Such as a drop-dead gorgeous guy sitting next to you in an Art class, your both intent on your drawings, speaking to each other every now an then. Engrossed in your work he asks you if he is your type; your brain and heart scream "Yes! Yes! Yes!", but your fear of being hurt and your unloved mind causes you to go blind. You smile, while still working on your drawing, and say no.
Time passes by and you're in your third year of High school; during the past year and a half you made a friend who brought out the real you. Unknowingly chipping away the hard shell you had built around yourself. You don't feel sad and lonely anymore, but you're still slightly insecure.
You believe that all the pain has been patched up and forgotten, but when you run into that same guy at an Art store *of all places* you get a flash back of that time when you probably crushed the only opportunity of you having a future. He's two years older, freshman in collage, and you two comfortably chat for about one minute.
You leave the store and can feel his eyes watching you from behind, you feel a stab of pain in your chest and you push away the tears. As you get in the car you realize that you never asked for a way to contact him or where he went to collage. The unasked question swim through your mind as you work and study your math.
About a week goes by and the guilt is still hanging over your head; to try and get your mind of it you go back to the same Art store and pick up a couple of brushes. You're in line checking out, as the lady rings you up your eyes drift around the store in curiosity. Your heartbeat doubles and leaps into your throat as you see him down the row just to the side of the register.
This time you don't take your eyes off him, he walks forward down the row then makes a sharp left and darts from your view. Apparently he saw you, but you don't know for sure.
The lady scans your card and out of the corner of your eye you see him in line two people behind you. He attempts to be distracted by the stacks of Gingerbread House kits but deep down you know he really isn't. You exit out of the store and kick yourself again for not talking to him.
Apparently you have not learned from your mistakes... Your stubborn and stupid fear of being hurt blinded you from what could have been the best thing in your life.
Now you sit at your computer, your sorry self typing this message... Wondering, if you could turn back time. how things would change.
With nothing better to do.... you log off and go back to your school work... wondering what purpose in life there is if all you ever do is study......
 ~Cries_With_Wolves~ · Sat Dec 08, 2007 @ 04:29am · 3 Comments |
