|
|
|
Must be hell.
OMFG I JUST LOST ALL OF MY JOURNAL BECUASE GAIA IS STUPID AND OMFG D<
You know what Gaia? I'm going to re-type EVERYTHING. You heard me! EV-E-RY-THING! Take that! D< -Stabz Gaia.-
So I'm talking to my friend, right? Well I tell him I've only ever finished two of my video games ever and he tells me that I'm a terrible "gamer" and that I don't deserve my games. So I'm going to finish the game I'm playing right now, Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn, for him. The only two other games I'd ever finished were Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance and some Avatar: the Airbender game that my dad bought me that he thought I might like. And honestly, I did enjoy it. Yes, I'm a dork. D<
So I'm going to try and finish this one game as fast as I can while still participating in daily conversation, eating, sleeping, bathing, and doing my homework. I want to finish this game very badly, you know? I don't want to be the "girl who never finishes anything." But of course I just don't finish a lot of games mostly becuase I like talking to him, but he doesn't see it that way, oh no. D< In fact, once I finish this game I'm going to get right to my story! I hope that maybe I can improve myself this way.
On top of all this, he's finishing gaia quests left and right and I am "slowly saving" for my own. I feel like I've not been playing gaia enough or that I'm questing like I should be. Heck, I'm lazy on the internet, too? -Hates self.-
I cleaned a bit today, and I watched Howl's Moving Castle. I put some new stuff on my profile and I talked with people. I tried researching a project (fail) and I ran over to a friend's house.
My friend Jamie had left her notebook at my house the other day and I decided to go take it to her. I walked halfways to her house to give it to her (she walked halfway) and my shoes, these new preppy-kid weird shoes that I wanted to break in, gave me terrivle blisters. They look a bit like this:
http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p202/noodlebabydreams/Tops%2012%20months/Little%20Girl%20Shoes/PhotobucketAMISH227.jpg
ANYHOO, they hurt like heck. Still do. I called my mom to ask her for band-aids at first but then I was going to ask her if she could just drive to where I was and pick me up becuase I didn't want to make them worse. My call went along a little like this:
"Hey, mom?"
"Yeah? What?"
"Uhm.. Could you check to see if we have band-aids? I kinda got some blisters from these new shoes now."
"Honey, I don't know if we have them or not but you can check the bathroom when you get home."
"But, uh mom?" (I was trying to ask her to come get me) -Click!- She hung up on me. Not even an "I love you" or a "bye" or even a "see you in a bit". I walked all the way home. (I sort-of pulled my heels out of my shoes and walked on my toes. I do that a lot; walk on my toes. It's just a habit; especially when the ground/ floor is cold like it is now, so I'm used to it.) When I got there, I attended to my wounds and then I got to the housework. I swept the floors, picked up my room, took out the trash (on my toes, like I said) and a few other things. Then I got to playing these video games.
But that call made me realize something; I feel the my mom is really not feeling well, or that she hates me or something. And I realize that she isn't exatly healthy. She never has been. Not with the eating disorders (that run in our family), the constant smoking, and for a while she fell really deep into alcoholism (also in the family) that isn't deep now, but it's still unhealthy. I still remember the time, soon after my grandmother's death and my parent's divorce, when she had to go to the hospital for a while. My dad moved into our house to take care of us, my sister and I. I think that she was gone for a long, long while. We (my sister and I) weren't even allowed to go visit her at the hospital. When she came back, she seemed so full of life. A healthy color. She didn't drink (one reason why she went in), she smoked less, and she even ate a few meals with us during the day on occasion. It was a really good time. But then she just fell back into it, you know? Those few parties where you'll "just have one to celebrate" turn into more and more and soo come the "I don't care anymores". Which I think is what has happened. I don't think that she really cares or enjoys anything anymore. And it makes me worry. Will she care less enough to quit her job? To give up on life? For a very long time, she was suecidal. And although the verbal ,"I can't take this anymore" is gone, what's she thinking? I worries me a lot.... And here I go rantng and sharing life stories with a journal and thinking of sad things. D': Why the heck did these dusty cob-web-filled boxed from the back of my mind resurface?
Speaking of dust and old things though, I really want to go to an antique store right about now. There is nothing like going through old things and people's old memories and wondering what things were like "back then". I like picking out random objects and thinking, "Who cherished that? What memories does that old thing have? What would it have been like to live with things like these back then?" I love the smell of antiques, too. It's amazing how many things you can find in antique stores. I love them so, so much. I don't want to buy anything. Just to look and pretend. The good memories are the ones that are hard to remember, so I like creating as many as I can as often as I can and I try to avoid making bad ones. I'm not saying that I am denying that bad things exist; it's just that I'm not going to waste my time with them if I can pay attention to what I have and the happy things... When I can.
My friend logged off earlier and when I first read his message my mind sort of made this emoticon: ;~;! But sleep is good, and I'm not going to keep him awake becuase I don't want to go to bed. (I really want to go. I just haven't or can't.) Besides, I promised I'd stay up late playing games... Although this journal has taken me a good freaking hour because it decided to be stupid. I think I'll just drag my comfy chair over here and slowly fall asleep to a movie. And them my mother will wake me from whatever sweet little dreams I might have the chance to play through my head. I couldn't get to sleep the other night because I was thinking, "What ifs" "What if this or that was real? What if I could go here and there? What would I do if I met the person of my dreams?" Just those kinds of silly questions that I often keep myself awake with. And then I'll play "Create a dream" and have everything go my way. I'm so stupid, right? That I keep my mind up in the clouds hoping for something impossible? But I don't mind what others say. I'm happy this way, okay? -Rereads that.- iRhyme :D
So my whole play game and listen to techno-y dance music plan failed tonight. I don't mind. Well, I really didn't want to do it in the first place. It feels like a chore; doing things to get them finished. I tell people, "I only do this for fun. I do not want to make it my profession or my living. I do not want it to become a responsibility when I simply use it to relax." (I'm talking about drawing, mostly here.) But they never listen. Someone always says, "Let's get you enrolled in this camp to make you better" or "You're going to become a good artist when you get older." But they never listen. I like things at my own pace, and it makes me feel guilty and bad when it's not good or when I don't want to finish it when it's become something that isn't for leisure but instead something of a job when it's all just meant for fun in the end. And I feel this way about this video game, too. But I'm going to do it. Becuase I want to finish, even though I feel that it's a task for me. Mmm, I really hope I finish soon, before I get too upset with it. I'm so irresponsible, and I hate it, but I don't want to become responsible for a whole lot just to change myself. Gah, my thoughs just keep spinning in a circle. "I want to--I don't want to--I want to."
Just shut up, Morgan.
Goodnight, longest rant ever.
I'mma go to bed now.
 bittersweet93 · Sun Jan 27, 2008 @ 05:09am · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
