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Screams from my heart
Why? Why? This is just so hard. It’s too much. This hurts too much. I don’t get to spend anytime with you anymore. You’re always a way, or I’m always busy. I leave you messages, and I tell you that I need you now in hopes that you’ll just call me right away. But now it’s like I can count on the fact that I won’t ere from you until it’s too late. I’m tired of waiting on you. You tell me not to, but my heart won’t stop. When I want to talk with you, I want to talk with you right at that moment. I need to hear your voice, I need to say everything that is on my mind. I need someone to talk to, and you’re the only one I trust with my thoughts. But you’re never around anymore. You’re always out with your friends, doing silly things that take you away from me until after I’m supposed to be asleep. But I can’t sleep without a proper “good night” from you. So, I lay in bed on my side. In a fetal position. Waiting with the phone in my hand. In the dark. Willing it to ring while the tv watches me. Wondering what it would be like if I never met you. If I never wanted you. If I would have been better off alone. Then, I wouldn’t feel the need to be so attached. Then, I wouldn’t be waiting on anyone. Then, I could just get over it. But no. I’m here waiting for you to call me like I used to try to wait for Daddy to come home. Even though I knew he wouldn’t be home until morning. “I’ll be home soon” doesn’t mean s**t to me anymore. “I promise” doesn’t mean s**t. You’re asking me to believe in you, but I can’t. I can’t. I have to expect you to disappoint me. I have to expect you to disappoint me time and time again. For as long as we are together, and I’ll just have to deal with it. No matter what you do, I’m still going to be disappointed repeatedly down the line. All because I love you so much. I’m willing to let depression claim me again and again just so I can keep you with me. So, the tears can continue flowing, and I can continue to both love and despise you for this spell you’ve got me under. But don’t you DARE ASK ME IF I WANT TO LEAVE YOU!!! Because I won’t say “yes”even if it kills me. DAMN YOU AND YOUR SPELL!!! Damn you. You bring me to so much tears. Then, so say hurtful things that sound like the truth to me. You make me feel like it’s my own fault for making myself feel this way. And I agree. I made my own problems, but I’m hard enough on myself as it is. So, please be so kind as to take some of the blame. Still, I guess that’s just asking too much. A big part of me thinks that I need to get away from you. This long distance thing is too hard to deal with right now. But the other part of me is holding a gun to my heart and making me stay. You can be such an a*****e when we’re both upset, and yet you are one of the most wonderful people in the world. Just so special that I’m attracted to you like a moth to a flame. But you’re so clueless to how I feel, and I can’t blame you for not understanding. So, I try to stay calm and understand, but what might be logically understandable isn’t emotionally understandable to me. I can’t control the fact that it hurts beyond belief that you’re not there, even if I understand why. I need you when I need you. I’m impatient when I have to wait past 9:30pm, and you don’t call me until 1:15am. Lately, I’ve been thinking about suicide. 15 minute phone calls just don’t do it for me anymore. It’s like saying “hi,” and then “good night.” Every time it happens I feel dead inside. Even worse is when you try to kiss me, because at that point I don’t even want to talk or touch you. You shouldn’t even bother calling me past 11:00pm anymore. I’m mad at you by that point, and if you’re tired when you call me then I’m furious with you. GOOD NIGHT!!! Don’t touch me.
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