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Do you ever feel like God is trying to tell you something? Sorta like that joke:
A hurricane rips through a state and floods many neighborhoods. A man is stranded and is holding on for his life. Some of his neighbors come by in a canoe and tell him to get in but he says "No thanks, God will save me," so they leave. A while later, a rescue boat comes motoring through and they offer help, but he says, "No thanks, God will save me," then, the Coast Guard comes in a helicopter and a man jumps out to get him, but he says, "No thanks, God will save me," so they leave. The man drowns (drowned? drownded?) so he's up in heaven and he asks God, "Why didn't you save me," and God replies, "I sent you a canoe, a rescue boat, and the Coast Guard!"
well, this isn't exactly to that extent as retold in the joke (i don't even know if i told it right) but i do feel like God has been sending me signs all my life, and i've just ignored them.
I love to speak. when i was in elementary school, i entered every speech contest there was. it started in third grade, where i was going to go to the school competition, but then the teachers remembered, only fourth and fifth graders are allowed to enter. So when fourth grade came about, i wrote another speech, entered, i even won the school competition, and i went to district. However, there, i won third place. the next year, i did the same thing but i got second place. and this is sorta where the 'godwinks' started to register. EVERYONE that i saw on my way out said i should have won first. i don't mean to sound like a gloating b***h, but it's true. and i started thinking, 'maybe god didn't want me to win because i'm not supposed to go into this line of buisness'. but in sixth grade, i did it again just for the extra credit, and i didn't even go to district. (then again, i messed up my speech so i just figured that was my fault, not a sign) so i pretty much quit until eighth grade when i wrote yet another speech and got sent to district, but by this grade, i had already pretty much given up on ever winning. besides, the format of the winners was different too, to the point where there were nine winners instead of three (three for each categoree instead of three overall) so i went, i delivered , and i got third in my category. Ninth grade year, i made a speech for extra credit, went to school, but i didn't even place.
so, as u can see, i've pretty much deemed myself a failure in the speech genre. i never won first at district, and that's the only thing that mattered. i didn't care about the school winnings or the placings at district. i. wanted. first. there are areas where i become competitive, and one of them is speaking. but because of all these experiences, i just further thought that God didn't want me to go into this field.
so this year, i joined the debate club. i wouldn't exactly be giving speeches in the formal sense, but i would be arguing structurally. so i tried it, and i loved it. i participated in debates, and i even went to a debate conference. i was the main speaker in a debate, but i lost again to the other speaker. this was kinda devestating, because i know i did really well, but there were twice as many voters from the other guy's school as were mine. so technically, i got "block voted" but i knew that the other guy was good, and had it been an equal crowd, he probably still would have won. but this still sucked. i didn't go to winter congress in DC because i'd have to miss half a week of school.
so in the mean time, i was preparing a speech for an upcoming debate night. i was going to be the main speaker, one of our state's SENATORS was going to be on my side speaking with me, there were going to be other senators in the audience and all this jazz and most likely even a news crew. i was stoked and nervous. i. wanted. to. win. i wanted to win for myself. i wanted to win for the senator who was on my team. i wanted to win in front of that big audience.
i started to get that familiar 'godwink' feeling again. and sure enough, i didn't just feel it, it practically exploded in my face. when the winter congress team got back, our sponser was practically in hysterics. but on a trip, everyone gets really emotional in debate, so it just seemed normal. but there was a lot of drama on this last trip. and, excusing all the details, our sponser is supposedly going to be reviewed by the board because of a letter one of the members wrote to them. our sponser had had enough. (and i could understand why) so she announced to us that she was suspending all further club activities and meetings indefinatly.
this ment no more meetings, volunteering, and, no more debate night. the WHOLE thing had been canceled.
now, what would you think? all you're life you've felt like you never got as far as you should have in an area of interest. so you join a club, and just as you're about to make a bid deal in the community, the whole damn club is suspeneded! gone. like, to the point where i'm pretty sure there will be no more debate club.
this was really devestating. and instead of 'godwinks' just being little thought of doubt, this was more like a ton of bricks. and so now i'm wondering, should i even try to go on in the speaking field at all? i wasn't really even planning on going into a field like that, but i just feel like i'm being pushed away from it more and more until i'm being pushed off a cliff.
on the other hand, what if God was trying to prevent something? what if something really bad would have happened at the debate night and he was preventing it somehow? or what if i had won or something and i (using hyperbole) was swept off my feet in the lime light and only cared about debate and speaking anymore and it would have made my grades drop in priority. i mean, heck, at the very next meeting i was planning on running to get elected as a club official! but, it's just confusing.
i mean, what if all this had nothing to do with divine intervention, and i just wasn't good enough to win any speaking contest, and this whole debate thing was a horrible coincidence?
i just had to get this out of my head. if you guys have any thoughts, please comment or something. thanks for reading.
 Qua Quidam · Sat Feb 23, 2008 @ 02:22pm · 0 Comments |
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