http://www.gaiaonline.com/journal/index.php?mode=view&p=1512161
Ever play that little game 'Where's Waldo?' well I feel like Waldo right now and I lost myself. Too much for me to handle seems to be going on and I don't know how to find any time to get the things I need done for MY life.
One of the major things going on right now is staining my parents house. I thought I was good and done about a week ago but my Dad had to inform me he found the work my boyfriend and I did unsatisfactory. So this means he wants us to put a second coat on everything that has not already gotten a second house (my boyfriend and I second coated most of the walls the day we did them). This is a major problem because right now where I live the tempurture gets up to 100 Farenheit and also there is high humidity so that makes it near to impossible to cool down by sweating or drinking water. It also increases the chances to get heat stroke which I dare say would be very high standing outside on a ladder staining in 100 degree weather for 6 hours.
But I was able to take a break from staining, but this break was not neccisarially easy...I went to a wedding. I might as well start this by saying it was my boyfriend's best friend's only sister's wedding...so I did not know a single person there except for my boyfriend's best friend....who I do know pretty well but its not he's totally my friend by choice, my Bf and I are inseperable. But honestly I hate going to social events and seeing all the people who know each other, close family and friends, people laughing and dancing. I have a very uneasy time around people that are close and loving ESPECIALLY when I don't know them. Sure I can act confident on Gaia but it is terribly difficult for me to talk to people offline. It scared the crap outta me when a stranger decided to hit on me I wanted to get up and run away. I think the best way to relate I felt about the wedding is to take it step by step so you know what misery I cause for myself in social situations....
- Dorg Arrives
This was the first wedding I'd been too since I was 9 years old. It was also the largest social gathering I had been too in 4 years...I dont like gatherings of people it makes me nervious. This was no exception since I only knew 4 people by name, and out of those 4 I only could say I truely knew 1 person well. So of course the one person I knew was acting as an Usher in the wedding so being new to what weddings were I had no idea what an Usher was for. Apparently they accompany you to your seat in the main worship area where the wedding was. So after I had stood around looking stupid for 15 minutes, because I wasn't talking to anyone, I started to go seat myself when the Usher's had to come grab me and make me wait my turn to be seated. Also being the girl the Usher extended his arm for me to take but I don't know how to grab some dude's arm to be escorted. I tried to grab his arm but it felt wierd and wrong but when I tried to pull my arm away he held on tighter...I could feel my face turning red I was so embarassed.
Dorg Sits Down
I was placed on the Bride's side of the wedding area (I honestly don't know what you'd call the big ole worship room thing). So I am sitting and waiting and nothing is happening but I can see the wind blowing the trees outside so that entertained me for about 5 minutes until the wind died down and I was BORED. My boyfriend seemed be content to wait, he has ADHD too so I don't know he was able to stand the waiting. Then out of no where this person starts singing some wierdo religious song and everyone (except me) all closes their eyes and smiles listening to the music of the song and the piano while I'm thinking "I did not come for a concert I came for a wedding!" I might have been able to stand the singing if she sang in english...and if it was in english she could lessen the trilling and increase pronunciation. BORED!!!!!!!!!!
Ho s**t The Preist Arrives!
After the lady stopped singing the Preist dude walks into the room with the guy on the organ playing all fantastic-like. I swear the Preist got a bigger introduction then the Bride and its her day damnit!! Anyway he all goes into prayer mode [...]
**If you are reglious don't offended by me, I am just relaying how I felt. I should probably clearify that. My parents did not bring me up going to church so I don't any of the customes many people do. I am not saying I am an atheist but I'm not Catholic Christain whatever...**
[...] so he's in prayer mode talking about how love between two people is sinful but love between two people with God is the only way to fly. It was wierd. Then he said some prayers and they read from the Bible and I just want to get the ******** wedding done with I was bored and surrounded by total strangers. So the Preist is still talking and I start looking around at everyone at the wedding, it was very infuriating because there were a lot of seriously hot chicks there so I kinda felt inadequate but at the same time they were turning me on. Thats the last thing I need, get turned on at a wedding I'm messed up or something. But the girl with the sexy beetle tatoo on her shoulder was so hot. Can you tell Dorg is Bi? Now I love my boyfriend heart and soul but I rarely ever see girls that hot so Dorg was looking.
The Wedding Starts
Finally the gall dang real wedding begins. Pretty music, people crying, the Bribe coming down the aisle, that beetle tatoo girl is still as hot as the sun, then of course some one's baby starts crying. Ok the Bride is at the front time to sit down wait wait its not to sit down? Ok we need to stand and pray. Pray. Pray. Yay I can sit down now!!! *sit* The standard exchange of vows occurs then is it time for the kiss? NO! Why would you ever kiss after the vows!? Time to pray. Kiss? NO! Time for the Preist to do some seriously lame ******** RHYMING about the Bride and Groom. I did not exactly pay attention but at point the Priest talked about the Groom exploding and I " gonk -ed" out loud for real and everyone sitting around me looked at me. Then after the lame rhyming was done the Priest talked about the importance of faithfulness and asked the Bride and Groom is this was going to be their first and only mate for life. When the Bride agreed everything was normale but when the Groom said this was going to his first and only mate (I kid you not) the 4 best men all turned and looked at each other grinning and from where I was sitting I could almost hear their chuckling. Oh my gosh just let the Groom lie about being virgin and you can giggle later! This made me wonder if the Bride was a virgin and deserved to wear that white dress...I know her brother who is my age (21, and also the only person I knew well at the wedding) was a virgin and planned to stay that way till marriage, but he has never moved out of the house to live in another state, or go cross country with a signifigant other. I would not surprised if the Bride and Groom had done the funky monkey already.
Holy s**t They Finally Kiss
Out of the blue after the Preist long a** rambling I was whispering in my boyfriend's ear and almost made him miss the kiss. Oops. I almost missed it too but I had a better angle to look at them. And after all that waiting they barely even kissed. So I'm left with this feeling "I put up with all that BS from the Preist dude and its over? What the hell?"
Lets leave the marriage room
So then after the wedding party goes out everyone else leaves as the Usher's direct us. As we leave the big marriage room we are lined up to meet the wedding party. Everyone is shaking hands and hugging and crying, even my boyfriend who only knew 4 people as I did get hugged and shooken. I got two hand shakes and the other people did not even return my congrats and nice to meet yous. Like I dont have enough problems with shyness and feeling inadequete in public, it took all my nerves to smile at those mostly strangers and be as friendly as I could and I get utterly rejected. I hate people. To try and settle myself I tried to see where beetle tatoo girl went but she was in some dude's arms so I did not want to bother interupting that conversation.
Now I'm About to Get Pissed Off
Everyone is mingling after the cermony before going to the reception, a lot of people sneak outside to smoke which poor beetle tatoo girl did, nuuuuu T__T . So my boyfriend is nice and stays by my side and talks with me, he is the best <3 . After talking about mostly pointless things he was talking about how its obvious to everyone there that was slept together without being married. Especially to the parents of the Bride (2 of the 4 people we knew at the wedding at all). Now I'm not pissed at my boyfriend but I start thinking about that general statement. Ok so thats why people aren't really talking to me or returning any friendly conversation I give them I'm the unwed whore. Nevermind that my boyfriend has slept with me out of wedlock men are put on a different standard so its ok for him. That type of attitude pisses me off so I'm starting to dislike being around all these judgemental people who don't try to get to know me. ******** you all too!!!
Reception
After a short car ride we arrive at the reception. Thank goodness we got there early there was not enough ordourves for the all the people at the wedding so we were lucky to get some cheese and crackers before they were gone. And thank goodness pop was free (only pop and tap beer were free, all other drinks were not free). Dorg doesn't like alcohol so I stuck with kiddy cocktails for most of the night. Anyway we got a little table placement card that said we were at table 11. Non of the tables we saw were marked so my boyfriend and I quickly snag a two person table. At the time we did not know this but the officially begining of the reception was 2 hours after the wedding got over. So we waited in the big mingle room for 2 hours not knowing what was going on bored out of our skulls. Neither of us had eaten all day so a few crackers with cheese did very little to settle out hunger. And whenever we wanted another kiddy cocktail we had to wait in a long line because of all the mixed booze drinks everyone else (seriously everyone but us and the few kids) was getting. IT WAS TORTURE!!!
Now the Reception Begins
We found out that table 11 was actually in another room meant for dining. My boyfriend and I were seated with a family of 6...which was wierd I mean here we are two people who know no one and we are placed with a family of goody two shoes Catholic brats? *sigh* Even though they were wierd and still preferred to talk to my boyfriend versus talking to me I did have some enjoyment at dinner. I choose a meal almost no one else in the entire wedding had choosen and when it arrived everyone was jealious at my choice. Take that you judgemental Catholic ho-bags! Constantly putting a smile only to have wierd looks thrown my way was really starting to bug the ******** outta me. Sitting with that family was just forced them having to deal with an unwed whore. I was so ******** pissed!
Speaches
Yeah the wedding party did some speaches and there might have been a joke or two but whatever. I had a tummy ache because I ate too fast and had a lot kiddy cocktails. Whatever.
Hanging around yeah...
So after the food I decided I wanted to be miserable alone so I told my boyfriend to go hang out with his best friend I'd just chill out. I tried to talk to people but everyone avoided me and gave me funny looks. Because I stomach hurt I got one crappy tasting beer from tap to drink. A little alcohol can settle my stomach, I don't know if thats common but whatever. My boyfirend kept coming back to check on me but I wanted him to have fun. I did get up and walk around the hotel which the reception was at for a little while but I told him to just go free again. It was during this time sitting down in a quiet place sipping at a kiddy cocktail that some guy with a Virizon Wireless shirt comes up and starts hitting on me. He obviously was not with the wedding so I was very stressed out to have him start talking to me about how he wanted to leave his girlfriend who was sleeping around. I gave him some life advice and he seemed to enjoy it then left me alone after a while. I was sure to mention my boyfriend right away when he started talking to me and I kept mentioning him. He was probably looking for the lonely girl at the wedding to get a quick score I'm sure but Dorg isn't a whore or a slut dispite whatever most of the people at the wedding thought of me.
It Must End
Aside from my awsome dinner I did not have fun at the wedding. I don't even think my boyfriend knows exactly how miserable I was, I dont like being negative but I'm not going to completely lie to him. He knows I did not have the best time at the wedding. He noticed people werent talking to me as readially but I don't want to point out the connection I made for being an unwed whore. We left after spending a total of 5 hours at the Reception, which included the two hours of waiting for it to actually start.
So that was my time at the wedding. Before the wedding started I had the pleasure of being caught in a 15 minutes mini-storm with my boyfriend and his mother, the wind blew so hard and fast it tore the large back window off of her mini-Van and shaddered it into thousands of peices. So then we weren't even safe in the mini-Van from the storm. We were in a Wal Mart parking lot. Back at my boyfriend's mother's house my car windows were open which soaked the inside of my car and destroyed the invitation to the wedding. Which is why I did not know the start time of the reception, and I also had to try and follow someone to get to the reception, hoping they did not get lost because my direction were soaked and destroyed. At least my car is fine now. But thats whole chaos caused by the freakish h mini-storm did make me day any better.
Whats else is going on with my life? My boyfriend's mother just sold her house. Which will follow with the divorce of my boyfriend's parents. Even though he is an adult he still feels concerned about the divorce, he worries if his family will ever spend time together as a family again. He also worries because of the splitting of all the finances and the fighting that will happen with it. His Dad wants to move up north and live ina trailer doing all sorts of drugs with his drug buddies, his Mom is moving into a new house (a chore my boyfriend and I will do most of the work on). My boyfriend's little brother wants to keep living with his Mom and party with his friends every chance he gets. My boyfriend is trying to go to school and make something of himself so he can move on with his life. His littler brother has no plans of ever living by himself as long as his Mom will buy him all the things he needs. Spoiled ******** brat, the difference between those two brothers is like night and day. The little brother wanted one entire floor of the 2 story house to himself for all his parties (WTF?!) but thankfully Mom wants to have her elder son, my boyfriend, live with her while he continues school so the brothers will mostly share the lower floor of the house. But this also means my boyfriend will be able to stop it from being party central and a complete shithole.
If I can get a job soon I want to try and pay a little rent so I can pay my boyfriend's Mom some money for her troubles, it'll look good for both of us to give something to her for letting us stay in her house. Though I really want my own house I dont think I can make that happen soon. It sucks I'm ******** 21 and I could not even afford a crappy appartment if I wanted too. I don't know how to start MY LIFE. I keep having to do all these things for family but my life is nowhere. Sure the families on my side and my boyfriend's do support me and him with a roof over our head, and food and my parents give me a car. But as far as trying to do something to help me and him get a life of our own where we can be independant they do nothing. We even ask for just the littlest advice, nothing but advice and they wont help us as a couple or as individuals. They expect us to know what to do when we don't. They thinking asking for advice is a weakness or a sign of giving up. I just want to have my life something of my own and as it stands right now I dont know how that is going to happen. I dont know how I'll get a job and finish school and get a place of my own to live. I dont know when I'll get married, my boyfriend and I want to, I dont know when I'll start a family. It seems not too long ago I was just in High School and everything seemed so clear and obvious. I had a plan, my parents supported me and told me they'd do whatever they needed too to help. But as soon as High School got over nothing has ever worked out good once. All the s**t just keeps piling up and I dont know what to do.
That wedding I went too really made me think about why I dont my life set, why I dont have anything done. I work and work and nothing gets down. Its like I'm stuck in nuetral and can shift into first gear. I cant go forward. I'm no better off now at 21 then I was at 18 just graduated from High School. 3 years of s**t, the only reason I can even go on is because of my loving boyfriend. But he is in the same ******** boat. Anything he does is just nothing in the end. His family, the house selling, the divorce, it all overpowers anything he does. I do know that life isnt easy but 3 years of s**t and I have nothing to show for it. You think in 3 years I could have done something but no. I feel ******** stuck.
This journel entry has seriously depressed me so I'm going offline now. I hope to see everyone soon.
Community Member
well... I hate people too... and overly religious people scare me... expecially when it's squeakly clean "if you're happy you're sinning" extended family members >____>;;
Weddings are no better... so boring. I'm the oldest cousin and grandchild and noone's even my age so I'm just DEAD bored @_x;; That and I don't evfen pretend to be happy, everyone just knows I hate it and I get to be grumpy xd
My family's so screwed up xd Luckily, finances and military moves aside, my immediate family's somewhat normal and have things straight. Lucky me really, especially considering the rest of my family. I feel for you and the anxiety. I hate large groups and most people in general... I'm 18 now and I've been fed up with high school and hope my next few years will improve somewhat ._.
...you made the beetle lady intruiging... now I'm all interested xd
cheer up though, you have someone in your life, and at least you're stable at the moment, that's what's important right now. the future might be shady, but you have the luxury of only having to worry about that right now (wow, I sound old).
and to think this is what happens when I ask about moles... that better have made you laugh, if not I'm stealing your... um... non-existant domo suit! XP