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Am I alone..... is this fear my reality? |
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I'm seriously overstressed and I have decisions to make and EVERYONE has their own little opinion on what i should do and not do, like for instance my dad wants me to an oath of purity of some s**t like that and I don't see why i have to do that, i mean i have self control and I know what i want, i want a relationship, not go around ******** every guy like a whore but he thinks since i don't want to do it i should go on birth control like i am some dog in heat, well that's it, I can't take him budding into my life, he was never a father to me before he just doesn't want me to make the same mistake he did, cuz i know i was an accident, woot. well, I give up and I'm going to make the oath, but I'm making a deal with him to get plane tickets for a little holiday to see a close friend(real close) But i wanted to talk to this friend about it first... Anyways, i've been preping myself to compete in a local modeling competition(I threw up on purpose just cuz i'm an idiot) anyways I'm dropping out of that, yeah! ******** that! i don't need to be in some stupid s**t like that to know how good i am. In my next entry i am adding a pic of me, but oh gawd my brother has my camera(he will pay with his gameboy, *evil laugh* jk!) anyhow, i got another friend he is my second big brother to help me get an up to date pic, which i am so grateful to him and my other nig brothers cuz i always wanted a big brother when i was younger and now i have three, the other one stopped kids from piking on me and is like my hero and the third saved me from suicide, but I'm not dating them cuz i don't have those kinda feelings, not like i do with someone else who i think is mad at me... which is funny cuz i never felt this way before, I can't explane it well, but he lives far away and i told my mom and she's like "you can't love some one you never met before" but what does she know? she's having alot of fights with her boyfriend and it's driving me crazy and my sis. My sis is seven and I watch her all the time, i feel like i'm raising her sorta, it feels weird but i stress and worry for her well being alot(more than a big sister should) Anyways, I'm venting now and boy does this feel good,(lol thanx gaia) and I am having a hard time with people being so damn hateful towards me, like i deserve it, Really do i deserve that? I mean hell why am i the "bad guy" and you people who are my friends who treated me like crap know who you are, every one else is cool, just letting you know, it's not the world I'm mad at just those few who left me broken. ohwell, shortly i'm going to leave this place and move on to bigger and better places, woot. I wonder how things will look later on.. what will become of me, where will i go, who will i meet and will i ever find love, or have i already.... Something i wanted to say... to him.. A wish wanting to be said but shall remain repressed till I am sure.. but I think he's already wandering the same thing.(I wish people didn't make dating out to be like it's some damn munipulated game, and all that rulses of love thing, u know what? I tried, it stinks, screw it, and I'll find Mr. Right my own way, so ha!) Sometimes i get scared that when I'm with some one he will lie and use me, it's happened so much, all i need for a relationship to work is honesty and trust, I don't want to be hurt anymore, i swear i'll lose it if the same thing happens again with that jaackass i can't believe i acctually loved, he hurt me soo much and no one understands that. Today I was hurting like ******** hell cuz i destroyed all the love notes and my journals and EVERYTHING, and it's suposed to feel good right? it hurt still, but I'm trying so hard to work threw this, i just need people to bear with me cuz I feel like crying till i die(I already cried till felt my eyes get really sore and i took my contacts out and my glasses are MIA, wow, isn't my life sucky? and I slppe and hurt my self trying to get my mom's new dog cuz it "ran away" and I slammed my fist into the wall cuz I was so mad for a whole bunch of crap. it just doesn't seem fair..and one of my big brothers is moving and I do't want him to go, cuz life would be sooo empty without him. He promised i could move in with him and now he's going far away and I'm twic as screwed so i can't moveout for a longer time which means dealing with my family even more, and I know my mom hates that i'm not a prep cuz she was in highschool, and my dad's pushing me into following his footsteps and becoming an enginer, like i want to do that? i need to decide what the ******** to do with my life, which i can't seem to get straight, well. if you read all this then you must really give a rats a** about lil' o' me.. I thank you and please feel free to pm me cuz i need some cheering up and i'm not a b***h or always all fussy, I'm sorry if i bore you but if youask me in the om i'll give you something of mine or some gold cuz i feel badly if you read this and not get anything out of it. thankyou laterz and ps - (2 u know who, love u! heart )
vixen4u · Tue Aug 02, 2005 @ 10:08am · 0 Comments |
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