“The night is so dark!” A statement that I have never found so true. However, something I want to know is why must I feel as I do? Why do I even ponder such things when I know them to be wrong? I just do not know why? & this not knowing is bothering me to no end. I just want to run but I cannot do that ether. So then what can I do? Tell me this! I live with such horrid things in my mind & I would truly like to know why I am having these thoughts & feelings? No answers to my questions! There are never any answers for me! & this is what bothers me as well. I have such...well...things inside me & even though I look hard & long I can not get them out of me& I can not understand why I am even having them in the first place. It is just so confusing & this confusion is the one thing that bothers me so damn much. & yes, a great many things bother me, & yes, I am well aware that I am being cryptic but it is just how I see things in my mind right now. I am not sorry for this because I am writing as it comes from my mind. So confused it is like there is a fog in my head, cannot see everything just so random in my head. All I do know is that I am feeling things that I should not! I know that it is wrong but I cannot help it! I will keep these feelings to myself for fear of hurting those I love! I know this is not something I should write about but I need to get it off my chest & out of my head. I am just so afraid of hurting those I love that it just drives me almost crazy!
Something you probably know is that I control myself a great deal when I talk to people...yes even you kitteh! If I did not I may & would say something that would be highly inappropriate! & I do not want to offend or hurt you all in anyway. I hold a lot back a great deal when I talk to everyone. I will say this though! I do not lie to you all! I see no point in lies; they do nothing but make people fake! So when I say something it is the truth! Unless I am joking or telling you, something about my story’s they are just works of both my feelings & fantasy.
Now I am not saying that you have to tell the truth all the time, everyone is different so what you do in your life is up to you and only you! But I will say this. “Try speaking your mind & see what happens!” I do not mind if you speak your mind with me. One gift/curse I have is that I can listen without getting bothered with what I hear, I will listen to you talking about anything from your day to the problems you are having body wise or love. I really don’t mind I just find it nice to listen to someone & to understand how they live there life & I am sure it makes them feel better when they can get it off there chest & out in the open...even if the open is just me...secrets are also something I am more then used to keeping...so many secrets...and I keep them all perfectly! I am still holding a secret that was passed to me by a dear friend no longer with us.
Life can be a wonderful place & a terrible one! It all is still a wonderful world... it just depends on how you look at it!
So talk to me...tell me what is wrong, if there is anything I can do to help or make you feel better...even more loved...but then I love you all so much. “A world devoid of love is nothing...it is a world not worth living” There for I chose to love you all...granted there are a small few I love more then I should but as I said when I started writing this it is something that I can not help. I know it is wrong...I know I should stop! But I cannot no matter how hard I try...it just dose not go away. I will not tell you who they are, I will not show my feelings to them, they mean more to me then anything on this cursed world & for this reason, alone I will not take the risk that my actions may jeopardise this friendship anymore then I am right now! No one will get this from me so please do not try! That is all I will ask.
I still have more that I wish to write about so much...so I guess I might as well since I have you here with me now.
I hide a lot from people...many things about me I just do not want people to know about. I am sorry for a great many things that I have done in my life...as I was writing just before I am feeling things I do not like to feel. Such things I know are wrong but some things are even beyond my capacity to stop. Even though I want to stop. It confuses me so much that I cannot see properly...my writing’s are failing & my mind is slowly being filled with such things that I cannot thing properly. I wish I knew why I am thinking about such things but I truly do not know. All I can say is they are a mixture of dark & lustful things that I should not be thinking. ^_^ no more about that!
I really want to just keep writing until I slip & write what I am truly thinking about but I know that would ether liberate or damn me forever! There is too much at risk to even contemplate such dreams. Such fantasy as this, for truly is it not wiser to hide that which would end so much hurt and Lust. I say it is! For if, I write a single word of what is truly in my mind I would lose all the good things in my life. & I am not talking about material possessions, but those few that share such a warm place in my heart & even fewer that hold my soul. I do not fear much in this world but what I do fear is losing those I love & those who hold my soul.
So in the end I keep will silent! I will go forward without tears & without sadness. & I hide these things in my heart and in my soul until the day comes when the black book I have written all my TRUE feelings and names in is given to those that hold that place in my mind.
People do not say this enough anymore so I will!
I LOVE YOU ALL & ALWAYS WILL EVEN AFTER MY FLAME IS EXSTINGISHED!
Wolfie~ 20/4/08
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