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Sometimes I feel so conflicted. I guess that's the wrong way to go about this entry, considering that this journal is based around internal conflict, but that's where I want to start.
A part of me wants to make people think that getting the grades I do and being "smart" like I "am" is easy. It's nice to "wow" people, if that's the word for it. I like it when others think i'm special, and in a way that's unique to me. This is defenitley a selfish side of me because I don't want others to think that they can "be on my level". In short, I, in the dark places of my mind, enjoy, to an extent, when other people are jealous. I think everyone has this quality to an extent, and the category hold on a pedestool is my grades. On the other hand of this, the more shy hand that has low self-esteem, I don't want people to think that I slave away for hours studying and have no social life because I'm a nerd whose only friend is a textbook.
On the flip side, I do have a side that enjoys helping people and despises self pity. If someone asks me how I get good scores, sometimes I reply that I study a lot. And if he studied, too, he would also get good grades. Another wierd part of me? I also enjoy it when people think i'ma bookworm who studies hourse on end. I even try to uphold that image by getting assigments done extra early, volunteering to present first, read when I have nothing to do or complete work for another class.
But, aside from em trying to uphold taht image, just about everything I do has a logical reason. I do not procrastinate. I like having free time, and I don't like having to worry about finishing assigments, so if I just start things when they're assigned, I wont have to do them later. People sometimes diss me because I volunteer to go first, and yet do they realize that most of the time, it was because no one else was volunteering? Based ont he previous sentences, you know I don't like to put things off. The longer I wait, the more stressed I get, so I should just go! I don't like having homework, so if I have time in another class, of course i'm going to do other assignments. People sometimes ask me, 'why would you do that?' and i'm just thinking, 'why wouldn't you?' School is a designated time for you to learn, while home afterschool is for relaxing and socializing. Why would I take time out of my relaxing category if I can complete things when they are supposed to be worked on?
...I don't really have aa logical excuse for the book thing. I just like to read.
So this, act that I put on, while excusable, is still part of an act. All of this studying and working hard is what to me? Do you know how many times a day I aks myself, "who the hell am I doing this for?" Even as I study, I picture people seeing me, studying, just reassuring their thoughts that i'm the 'goody-goody smart-a**', and i'm thinking, 'am I making you proud?' and it makes me smile. Isn't that just the most perfectly ******** up thing you've ever heard?
But, then I think, maybe i'm not necessarily a person who made up the act, but I am the act? I have so many different sides to my brain. I seriously sometimes feel like I have alter egos; and I have just about as many egos as their are greek gods.
...I even have one that's good at word searches. seriously. because the ego that's usually running my brain sucks at them. But if I go any further into that, you'll all think i'm more insane than before. In fact, i'd love to do an entry on some of my alter egos, but that'll take time. So for now, I'll leave you with my obscene entry and hope you don't hate me. I just tried to tell the truth about me. If that concept even exists.
 Qua Quidam · Wed Apr 30, 2008 @ 02:05am · 0 Comments |
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