Last night I became very depressed over events that kept increasing my sadness and worry. I honestly don’t know what finally made me snap, all I knew is I had to get out of the house and go somewhere to be watched over night. I really was afraid I was going to try to end my life. As I’m writing this I can’t help but cry… I’ve just been so scared for Maxx cause I love him so much, I’m worried something will happen to him and his health or his ex will do some s**t to have him locked up and there will be nothing I can do. It scares me so much that something bad could happen to him and I would not know until It was too late and even if I did find out right away I couldn’t do anything from here. that’s something that is bothering me so much. Over the past week or two I’ve wanted him here, not just so I can be with him but so I can help him and hold him when he’s depressed. Maxx is such an amazing guy. He makes me feel like everything is going to be ok between us. I feel there could be a long wonderful future for he and I… but am I just joking myself? I truly hope I’m not. I know we met on a website (Gaia) but the feelings aren’t fake for me. The feelings I have for him are so damn strong it’s a little scary. The last person I had feelings like this for broke my heart and then lit it on fire. I’m terrified he’ll do that too.
Yesterday we talked about him coming here. I told him I want my mom to meet him cause he’s such a catch, hehe. I also told him I want him to meet Zappa (my kitty), he said he’d bring Buster (his kitty) so I could meet him. When he said that I smiled and said “I’m going to meet your son? :O”… his reply was that he wished. That brought up a lot of things. I know Maxx wants a song one day more than anything. I really hope one I can maybe give him one. I’m scared because of the 80%+ chance I have endometriosis like my mom and aunt did… I’m scared I will not be able to give him what he’s wanted for a long time. But honestly if we are together for a long enough time, and we decide we want to be together forever and maybe even get married… I will go see a doctor, check to see how likely it is for me to get pregnant again and hopeful, they can give me types and idea for me to be able to bring his son into this world.
I just got home and I have many things rushing through my head. I will repost this on Gaia and then go sit outside for a little air. Maybe sitting outside and thinking will do me good.
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