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Raven's Crossroads
Ok so this is my story that I am attempting to write><;; I also am making a list of my characters. I would love it if people would read and comment on this. it would really help me^^
Second Attempt
~there is a character list if anyone wants to read about my ajor characters^^It is updated as new characters are introduced~


Nine months have past since the prophet told her vision. The birth of the two girls has come. The two women laid on beds beside each other in equal pain.Eelena and Crice gave birth at the same time exactly.
Morzon who was standing nearby walked forward to name his two girls. He looked at the two of them.One had short stubs of red hair while the other had white.
When the doctors placed the two girls on an operating table to do further cheking on the babies, something miraculous happened.
The red head started to grow horns.While the white haired child grew wings.At the sight of this all the doctors rushed from the room.
All the meanwhile Morzon smiled knowing why this was happening.Looking over at the shocked mothers explained ,"They are born enemies and they will die enemies.So they must pick a side.Though I am a bit surprised at the fact that our little elf grew horns and that our little demon grew wings.This is quite interesting!" He placed an onxy necklace over the white haired child saying outloud, "This one shall be Kasai and she will live the finest of lifes." Circe was still in a slight shock at the wings sprouting from her daughter's back nodded and smiled at Morzon lovingly. He then picked up the child and placed it back in it's mother's arms.
Once the two girls were seperated Kasai's wings grew back into her back while the other's horns disapeared under her skull.
Morzon then turned to Eelena, "Your daughter however while suffer all her life. I will not even lower myself to name this disgrace to all vampire's and elf's. She will be a reject no matter where she goes.So out of the godness of my heart I will allow her to stay here." With that said he left the room with Circe being pushed behind him.
Eelena looked down at her forsaken daughter and named her herself. "Your name will be Leyli." She pulled out an necklace likie the one that was placed around Kasai's neck and put it around Leyli's.
~16 years later~
Leyli slowly woke up from the light that peaked through her window curtains. Placing a hand over her eyes she breath in deeply, moving her hand behind her she pushed herself up and stood her knee length nightgown brushing agaisnt her legs. Her red and black air falling behind her back all the way down to her butt. She glanced at the clock before realising she was late for her 'meeting'. Rushed she pulled on her pants without taking of her nightgown she rushed from her room, before heading back to get her boots.Remerging from her room she remember she had to be stealthy and unseen from eyes or she would pay for it later. Quietly she snuck down the hallway unseen by any who traveled down the hallway.Seeing the servants door she knocked three times and kicked it once. Her own personal code telling the servants it was her.The servants were the only ones in the whole castle who would help her on anyhing or even talk to her. She had never known why, but she could guess it was because of what she was.The door slowly creaked open emmiting her into it's rooms beyond.She rushed into the quarters and ran past the maids and butler's smiling at them all. Fangs glisting in the semi-darkness. Running outside she rushed into the woods meeting her only friends for there meeting.
Upon reaching the woods she heard a twig snap in the woods to her right along with a deep growl. Leyli smiled to herself and pulled out a black ribbon from her pocket quickly putting her hair into a ponytail which revealed her pointed ears. The main reason to why she was treated so badly. All because she had ears like an elf.The only thing she had inherated from her mother.Jumping up into the air she landed in a clearing ten yards away from the opening of the woods.
Also standing in the middle of a clearing was a large lycan.It's fur a dirty gray color,probably from dirt' She thought. The huge doglike animal stood on it's hindlegs in a sign of challenge. Both began to charge towards each other when a dark black circle appeared inbetween to the two.Both Leyli and the lycan stopped to stare at it.When all of a sudden two twisted goat like horns emerge from it, followed by a full head of black hair. Soon a rock hard muscled chest appeared as well along with slender legs clad in black pants. He glanced at both the girl and the lycan. His crimson eyes scanning over the large dog. He sighed
"Victor how many times are you going to change into a mangy mutt today?" he said as his deep seductive voice souded over the whole clearing. Leyli sighed as well in a sign of mock
"Abysey how many times are you going to ruin our fun?" she said with a coy smile.
Both Leyli and Abysey looked over at the lycan named Victor. He was slowly channging into a human. With shoulder length brown hair covering beatiful grey eyes.His torso hard and covered with scars. His lower half also naked. He smiled
"As soon as you stop running away from important meetings your father told you to attend." he snapped back at Abysey.
Abysey sighed "Well you know being the heir to hell is hard you know.We can't all be Lucifer's one and only son and still have free time." he said with all the sorrow his voice could muster.
Snorting at the comment "Oh yes it must be so hard to slack off all day.How ever do you mangage?"" She said her voice thick with sarcasim.
Victor laughed.
Abysey smiled an evil smile before laying down on the ground, "Well I guess i'll just go work then.I mean even if the main reason I don't go is because I'm perfecting your escapeout of here." He closed his eyes smoothly.
Leyli pounced on him "You found a way out for me!"Leyli exclaimed. Victor just looked on in excitement.
"Ah yes I have, but it will come with a price!" He said evily glancing at Victor.
"I'll do anything!" she almost yelled, pulling herself ontop of Abysey.
Victor watched with envy in his eyes.Knowing Abysey was abusing his knowledge of Victor's crush on Leyli.
"You'll have to kiss me!"He said his eyes never leaving Victor's.
Leyli pulled back, "What!?" she exclaimed.
Victor had to ask "Why a kiss?"
"Who wouldn't want a kiss from a beautiful woman?" he said smirking.
Leyli grinned, "You want a kiss fine you'll get one!" she yelled and leaned down kissing his cheek. "Now tell me when and where and how!"
"Well your going to come here tomorrow and I will take care of everything else." was his short and know it all reply.






User Comments: [3]
nihil totium
Community Member





Thu Aug 14, 2008 @ 05:15am


you're a truly talented writer with an even greater gift of imagination...
i genuinly want to hear what comes after!
pleeease PM me when the next chapter is ready!

i'd also like to compliment your preliminary work in forming your characters, both for yourself and for your readers.
as the story progresses i encourage you to add short descriptions for other major characters... this is a very effective way of quickly teaching their names to the reader.
perhaps add the insert at the beginning of the entry or reference the reader back to the beggining with each new entry.

concerning style, i would only say make greater use of paragraphs, especially when switching between characters.
whenever a new character talks a new paragraph starts.
it makes it much easier for a reader to quickly a fully grasp the flow of the story.

also, as ridiculous as it might make you feel, try reading aloud your work.
don't yell it!... unless that's what works for you... but perhaps whisper under your breath.
there are a few minor spelling errors and areas where perhaps a different word usage might have benefited the story
you will have a difficulty seeing them as your mind knows what is supposed to be written and will correct the errors for you.

all in all though a terrific work and with some slight polishing an excellent entry for the new forum for writing...


Sir Sky Suicide
Community Member





Fri Aug 15, 2008 @ 07:38am


omg still going great! still reading! next section to go! :]


XxMad_Hatter_RosexX
Community Member





Mon Aug 18, 2008 @ 07:11pm


I agree with what the two previous commentors said ^^ pirate


User Comments: [3]
 
 
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