||Cool True and Funny Quotes
"English doesn't borrow from other languages. English follows other languages down dark alleys, knocks them over, and goes through their pockets for loose grammar."
"Passwords are like underwear. You shouldn’t leave them out where people can see them. You should change them regularly. And you shouldn’t loan them out to strangers."
"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."
People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.
"Never try and teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time and annoys the pig."
"The speed of sound is defined by the distance from door to computer divided by the time interval needed to close the media player and pull up your pants when your mom shouts 'OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING!'"
"If you love someone, put their name in a circle, not a heart. Hearts can be broken, but a circle goes on forever."
"Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out."
"Hate is a thing only a few steps away from love."
"Tell a man that there are a billion stars and he'll believe you, but tell him that a bench is wet and he has to touch it."
"The secret to walking on water is knowing where the stones are."
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
"Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up."
"Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. "
"Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped."
"Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway."
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. "
"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think."
"You have never really lived until you've done something for someone who can never repay you."
"Microsoft: 'You've got questions. We've got dancing paper clips.'"
"They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. Thats nothing, cause if you play it forwards, it installs Windows."
"I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon."
"True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be."
"A good friend is someone who knows the song of your heart and can play it for you when you've forgotten the words."
"'Veni, Vidi, Velcro' - I came, I saw, I stuck around."
"He who dies with the most toys, is still dead."
"The tongue has no bones, yet it breaks bones."
"Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it's more like a jar of Jalapenos -- what you do today, might burn your a** tomorrow....."
"Mass Murder: it's ok when the government does it"
"Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant."
"At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry."
"When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone."
"My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me."
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."
"This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land."
"I'd like to help you out; which way did you come in?"
"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on."
"Theists think all gods but theirs are false. Atheists simply don't make an exception for the last one."
"Due to budgetary constraints..., the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off until further notice."
"You never choose love but love chooses you."
"Argue the law if the facts are against you, argue the facts if the law is against you; and if they're BOTH against you, attack the people"
"Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it."
"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."
"Repeat after me, we are all individuals."
"God loves stupid people. That's why he made so many."
"No one needs a smile as much as a person who fails to give one."
"Early to rise, early to bed Makes a man healthy, but socially dead."
"Sometimes I feel like the last cookie in the cookie jar -- all alone and broken up."
"Never accept a drink from a urologist."
"Never miss a good chance to shut up."
"Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance."
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
"Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart."
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." -Albert Einstein
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning."
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
"Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother."
"Dyslexics of the world untie"
"When was the last time you heard someone say, “Go ahead, it’s a free country?"
"There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line."
"There are no villains, just characters with different points of view about how the world should work."
"The Key to Risk Taking is How You Handle Failure"
"I believe in God; I just don't trust anyone who works for him."
"Come then, affliction, if my Father wills, and be my frowning friend. A friend that frowns is better than a smiling enemy."
"You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter."
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom."
"Hermits have no peer pressure."
"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough."
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific."
"100% of divorces begin with marriage."
"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
"I'm drowning here, and you're describing the water!"
"I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic. To see the sights I'm never going to visit."
"Fundamentalism means never having to say 'I'm wrong'."
"Humanity without religion is like a serial killer without a chainsaw."
"Alcoholics will tell you that they try to watch what they say when they are drunk, but that's a conundrum because alcohol frees the tongue to say what is in the heart"
"Women say all men are the same, but they have no problem telling you how different you are from Brad Pitt." (I prefer Johnny Depp)
"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"
"Life's not all bad. Look into somebody's eyes, you'll see that they're a person just like you, they also have good and bad feelings, hopes and dreams."
"Boys are like internet domain names, the ones I like are already taken"
"I've fallen in love many times... always with you." (My friends know exactly who)
"Loneliness is when you hate even masturbation." xd
"The best things in life are unseen, that's why we close our eyes when we cry, kiss, and dream."
"One should never be late, unless making a dramatic appearance
"We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them. We say we love trees, yet we cut them down. And people still wonder why some are afraid when told they are loved."
"As we learn from history, we don't learn from history."
"If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane."
"I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously."
"If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it."
"One day you'll come to me and ask me what's more important: You or my life… I'll say my life and you'll walk away never knowing that you're my life..."
"Lost your keys on 11/19? I nearly snapped an ankle tripping over them. Please claim them before they strike again"
"I would love to protect you against all grieve, disaster and failure, but it would cut you off from all the other creatures on this planet"
"Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are foot prints on the moon."
"Don't overestimate the competition and don't underestimate yourself."
"He who has nothing worth dying for, has nothing worth living for"
"Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid."
"Life is a handful of short stories, pretending to be a novel."
"When you're impending death is imminent, have no fear! If you are religious you shall go to a better place. If you are not, you will merely cease to exist. Ultimately you will not give a damn."
"Life and death are both frightening because they possess elements of the unknown... I don’t know how to live, but I know how to die."
· Tue Oct 07, 2008 @ 03:18am · 1 Comments