December is always a eventful month for me, to say the least.
And as this December comes to a close, I can't seem to recall a more ... life changing... December.
This month, I had to force myself to face reality and give up the one this I cherish more than life itself, in order to continue moving foreward.
But I'm getting ahead of myself, before we get to the good stuff; with nailbiting suspence[eh not really] and [not so]hilarious crazy-hut stories; let me tell you about Decembers.
( If you can't catch the tone, (due to my lack of skill at delevery wink I hate Decembers )
December 2001-
0 - 4th
Winter
0 - 4th
Winter
As a child I was rather vivacious, I'd entusiastically talk to everyone, charge at everything, loved to be active and generaly believed that everyone in the world loved me. Unfortunately I was also very clueless.
I was a dreamer who believed that I was going to some day be wisked off to another world where I would live to my fullest potential.
Due to this state of bliss, I viewed the world to be nothing less than amazing. But at the sametime, life was like a story unfolding for me... the fact that this was mine, and that things were 'real' ... didn't click to me. I just saw everything I did to be like a script in some bollywood movie.
Growing up I basically had two Moms, one sister living back in Bangladesh with me and the older sister in the US. They both appeared to love me, I'd talk to my mom in the US almost every week and told her everything, I liked her more because she bought me things and was too far away to deciplin me... oh and because she basically paied for everything... but that's besides the point. My mother in BD with me was ok... she tutored me, took care of me told me which dressed I wanted then bought them from me....
I was a spoiled child. I didn't want much... but recieved graciously. People fed me, cleaned up after me... there was a person literally hired to entertain me. ( it's cheap in BD since people are so poor they need to be servants to survive, anywho)
So when people asked me if I wanted to live with US mom instead of mother in BD, and I answered cutely that I liked US mom more, because I thought that made people thinking I was .. ya know, cute. (really I did think I like that even at that time)
And when the adults took this into serious consideration, since BD mom was a failure at life and since US mom was in a good position, I was to be here. I was asked time and time again if I liked US mom more and I answered 'of course, I loooooveee herr, she gets me toys'. This would make people laugh sometimes, I liked making people laugh. I didn't know they were serious.
Even while bording the plane, crying because that's what I saw in the movies... I didn't know that the days when I'd spend the entire aftertnoon dressed like a fairy chasing after butterflies in the fields... were so gone, it's not even funny.
I was such an innocent chilad, but I didn't have a heart. Not to say that I was heartless, just lacked the reason to have one. I didn't have a father that told me that I was precious, and my mother(s) were intent on molding me into their images. Much of my childhood memories are surpressed... save some lovely memories tainted with yelling, bitterness, pain and the nasty combination of the scents of alchohol and nicotine.
My innocent existed only due to my lack of identity and the dream that I was destined for one.
August 18th 2000 I came to the US.
Adjusting to the life here can be metaphored with adjusting to the weather.
Coming from the beautiful tropics to the harsh newengland winter. The first december snow, I was forced to play outside with snow in my boots.
I cried and screamed and fell and was dumped in a pile of snow.
This was to get me used to snow. It resulted to me hating snow with a passion.
---
[to be continued with ]
December 2002- 5th Disappointment [ failture as an existence, falling into the pit, loosing all chances I might have had at turning out normaly ]
December 2003- 6th Me [ Je pence donc je suis, ]
December 2004- 7th Them [ recognizing my position, feeling the bars to my cage]
December 2005- 8th Life [ answering the big question, sunshine and dasies ]
December 2006- Mind [ unstable mental health, experiments development for the better or worse]
December 2007- Heart [ falling in love, finding a purpose ]
December 2008- Soul, [ growing matters of consequence, sacrifices ]
Quote:
player1mia
1:49
on the 8th I tipped my mom over the edge (after some work, mind you) and finally got her to say the words 'get out of the house'
and being the person I am, I replied with " ok. =) " and waked out in the show with out a coat... but it was warm.. well that's besides the point.
so while my mom stood there baffled for a bit, I blended into the night by the time my brother came out to call me back.
I went into an old friends house and got her to agree to let me stay for the night, hit a stroke of luck and her mom ended up being uber understanding and agreed to take me in as her foster
So that was all going well, but my parents still had authority so she contacted the police.
The loop in all of it was that I threatened to kill myself if i had to go back home, this allowed my parents to lay off, but the next day, since it was insisted that I go to school, the school decided to cover it's a**; while random members of my family keep showing up and I keep refusing; to send me to the ER and get my mental health checked
So I agreed seeing no other option because I didn't want to go home.
At the ER I wasn't supposed to see family, the psyche test went smoothly since I had to reason to be suicidal under the belief that I didn't have to see my family.
But my family kept being stubborn and even after I slammed the door on my Aunt, my older brother cousin some how squirms in and starts talking to me.
Now they're all awestruck since no one has ever seen anything less than angelic from me out side of my imedet /gah failspell/ family. So he started talking to me about options and all about how people love me and all those lies / they could be true IDK /
then he tells me that I'm not really suicidal, and starts patronizing me telling me stuff about how he is going to sue the woman that took me in, basically instigating the hell out of me.
SO, while under suicide watch, I went into the bathroom and found a way to strangle myself in a safety tested bathroom using hospital garment. Now I was just trying to get anger out... the actual attempt was a mistake because I passed out while trying to loosen the string around my neck, waking up at the sound of my own voice calling for help in a state of mild amnisia
after that, my 'cuz realized that I was serious and that I was not going home. /still haven't/
I was then transfered from the ER into a mental rehabilitation center (for minors). AKA the loonybin where i fit in perfectly.
I stayed there for 6 days while my family broke down and eventually reached a compromise. (during this time they just wouldn't stop telling me they love me, I still don't know if it is genuine or just them defending their position in society as a normal family. It's sad that I lean more towards the latter.
Right now I'm staying over the aunts house that I slammed the door on, Family is forced to be understanding, and I've been talked to manytimes over and have resorted to making future decitions
But ultimately, the only reason that I agreed to come out of the loony bin was because I was promised freedom by 18 and so on and so forth.
moondoggierowe
2:10
ok
player1mia
2:10
there are lots of more minor issues, but that was the abridged version.
1:49
on the 8th I tipped my mom over the edge (after some work, mind you) and finally got her to say the words 'get out of the house'
and being the person I am, I replied with " ok. =) " and waked out in the show with out a coat... but it was warm.. well that's besides the point.
so while my mom stood there baffled for a bit, I blended into the night by the time my brother came out to call me back.
I went into an old friends house and got her to agree to let me stay for the night, hit a stroke of luck and her mom ended up being uber understanding and agreed to take me in as her foster
So that was all going well, but my parents still had authority so she contacted the police.
The loop in all of it was that I threatened to kill myself if i had to go back home, this allowed my parents to lay off, but the next day, since it was insisted that I go to school, the school decided to cover it's a**; while random members of my family keep showing up and I keep refusing; to send me to the ER and get my mental health checked
So I agreed seeing no other option because I didn't want to go home.
At the ER I wasn't supposed to see family, the psyche test went smoothly since I had to reason to be suicidal under the belief that I didn't have to see my family.
But my family kept being stubborn and even after I slammed the door on my Aunt, my older brother cousin some how squirms in and starts talking to me.
Now they're all awestruck since no one has ever seen anything less than angelic from me out side of my imedet /gah failspell/ family. So he started talking to me about options and all about how people love me and all those lies / they could be true IDK /
then he tells me that I'm not really suicidal, and starts patronizing me telling me stuff about how he is going to sue the woman that took me in, basically instigating the hell out of me.
SO, while under suicide watch, I went into the bathroom and found a way to strangle myself in a safety tested bathroom using hospital garment. Now I was just trying to get anger out... the actual attempt was a mistake because I passed out while trying to loosen the string around my neck, waking up at the sound of my own voice calling for help in a state of mild amnisia
after that, my 'cuz realized that I was serious and that I was not going home. /still haven't/
I was then transfered from the ER into a mental rehabilitation center (for minors). AKA the loonybin where i fit in perfectly.
I stayed there for 6 days while my family broke down and eventually reached a compromise. (during this time they just wouldn't stop telling me they love me, I still don't know if it is genuine or just them defending their position in society as a normal family. It's sad that I lean more towards the latter.
Right now I'm staying over the aunts house that I slammed the door on, Family is forced to be understanding, and I've been talked to manytimes over and have resorted to making future decitions
But ultimately, the only reason that I agreed to come out of the loony bin was because I was promised freedom by 18 and so on and so forth.
moondoggierowe
2:10
ok
player1mia
2:10
there are lots of more minor issues, but that was the abridged version.
[ the story of my life escencially. ],
