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And so, this is what I've been reduced to. Journaling about my issues on gaia. *sigh* When the hell did I become such a f**? But then....you gotta get s**t out somehow, right?<br /><br />I'm having a lot of issues right now. I miss my mom really bad (who here thought those words would ever come from me? No hands? Good.) and I don't really have anybody to talk to about it. The thing is, this s**t always hits me around 3am. The last time I tried calling people to talk about it, one person answered her phone with a "What?" but then relaxed when she heard me crying. (Love you much for that night, by the way. You know who you are!) And only two people out of the 15 I called actually tried to get in touch with me the next day saying "Is everything alright?" From everybody else I got a "What the ******** were you thinking calling me at 3 in the ******** morning?!" At least 2 people (one of them my brother) understood that if I don't usually call you that late, and I am, then there's something wrong.
I just feel like I have nobody to talk to, especially with my phone out of commission for the moment as I'm BROKE. I don't even know when the last time I talked to my "best friend" was. Pretty much given up on that. But I just feel so damn alone all the time. Doesn't matter how many people are here, I'm feeling alone. And sad. And it doesn't help that I pretty much do nothing all day which makes me feel worthless as I can't find a ******** job to save my life. And even if I did, I have next to no way to get there! In order to get a job, you need to have a car. In order to get a car, you need to have a job. CATCH-22.
And then there's the matter of my education. I'm afraid I'll never get into college as I have to do the whole "going-it-alone" deal. My dad won't co-sign or help me pay. He doesn't understand that getting a loan for college in this decade is a LOT harder than when he got his loans for college. Every place I've tried requires a co-signer. Unfortunately, I don't have one of those.
Which brings me to another thing I don't have. My self-confidence is really and truly slipping. I feel like nothing I ever do is good enough for anybody, even though I know that's not the case. I feel like I can't find anybody who can just accept me for who I am. Betty and Jimmy have been MORE than amazing to me, and I feel like I don't deserve that because I always want MORE. I want a job, I want to go to college, and I want someone to tell me they love me every night and mean it more than anything. There is one person...who I fell in love with....and could have been that person....but something happened and now I just don't feel the same about her anymore. I don't feel the same about anything anymore.
Is this what grieving feels like? Like your entire world has been turned upside down and you have no way to hold it up and turn it back around at the same time? So either it has to come crashing down around you or stay screwed up?
If so, I think I'm finally grieving, then.
But I just don't know who to go to, I want to just head over to Diamond's and spend the night there and do some girl-talking, but I have no way of getting ahold of her aside from showing up randomly on her front steps.
And I miss my brother. A lot. We've become really close lately and me not really seeing him in the last month is KILLING me. He's always been someone I could talk about this to - yes, always. When we were younger, and our parents would fight, he'd let me come in his room and talk and then sleep on his floor. - and I feel we were good to lean on each other when we needed to. Of course, we try to do what we can without involving the other just to save them the drama, but we know if we need each other, we were only a few rooms away. And here, I know I can talk to Betty, but when I do for some reason, I just feel like I'm talking in circles and never getting where I need to go. Same with Ryan. I appreciate them both so much for letting me talk when I need to, but it just doesn't really help me if I'm just saying the same thing over and over and never quite reaching the conclusion I need to come to.
That's why I like to type. =D
Even though, usually, I do my best thinking when randomly ranting to random people. Maki can attest to that! More than once! Maybe this whole thing is kind of like idle hands....you know, idle hands are the devil's playthings? Maybe I just have an idle mind. I don't know how, though, seeing as I'm ALWAYS thinking. Thinking about the things I need to do that I just can't seem to get a foothold in.
For instance, college. I want to find an online school to go to in order to get my prerequisites out of the way. But where do I start? Because I need to find one that I can transfer my credits over to IUN for. And with online school, can you start anytime or do you have to start during normal semester times? Should I check into the University of Phoenix or somewhere else? Does IUN have online classes? Because I looked on their website and couldn't find anything on online classes.
As for a job, I'm going to see someone from my old church who might be having a job opening in March. I went in November, the WEEK after she had just hired everybody she needed, and told me that if I still needed a job in March, to come back. Well, it's February 13th and it's looking like Subway's NOT going to call me....or KFC...or BDubs....or ANYWHERE ELSE I APPLIED.....So I plan on going down there near the end of the month and harassing her for a job. xD
I plan on changing my cell phone s**t again, too. I know, I know. The girl with a million phone numbers, right? Well, AT&T is just getting too expensive for too little. So I'm looking into the Boost Mobile $50 a month pre-paid plan. That's $50 a month for unlimited EVERYTHING. Daytime minutes, nighttime minutes, weekend minutes, texting, web...EVERYTHING. So, for a broke girl like me, that sounds like a damn good deal!!
And I need a good deal, what with me smoking regularly again. I KNOW I KNOW, I said I was going to quit, and I tried, but I just can't. I'm pretty much picking up what ever two-for-ones in menthol that the gas stations have, though. ******** being picky about smokes when you're BROKE. Which, I am. But as soon as I get a job, I'm going to get my phone, pay off my bills ($2500 in debt anyone? Oh wait! That's me.), and get some new clothes as I am down to 2 pairs of jeans and 1 bra which no longer fits me.
THAT'S RIGHT. MY 38E BRA IS TOO SMALL. AIN'T THAT A KICK IN THE NUTS?!
So, I'm going to do all that and then open up a saving account so that I can get a car. After I pay off my $30ish debt to Centier, of course.
******** Christ, everything's just a mess. And we haven't even STARTED into my love life, really! Which, if anybody knows me, you'll know that that's the most crazy part of my life. My heart, head, and common sense rarely agree. And I rarely pick people that are actually good for me. And right now I'm crushing HARD on someone...Like, MASSIVELY. But I'm scared to death of falling for someone again. Every single time, I feel like I just hit the pavement. I want to find someone who will catch me when I fall. That person, I will keep.
Which brings me on to something else. I was told that I can never stay in one place. And I'm wondering whether that's true or not. Because if it is, that is IMMENSELY bad for Kaylee. She needs stability in her life, not a mother who won't allow herself to remain still for too long.
Blech. I don't know. But I do know that I've spent over a half an hour writing this and I still need to go to bed. If I think of anything else tomorrow, I'll probably add to this
Oh, and if anybody actually has the patience to read this whole thing, I love you a lot. <3
 TanyaDawn · Fri Feb 13, 2009 @ 10:05am · 2 Comments |
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