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Ramblings of a half-drugged Teen.
I've been feeling really weird lately, always tired, always annoyed and always sick to my stomach.
I asked Matt for advice, he blamed it on the anemia and told me to eat something, but I'm not hungry.
I'm never hungry.
I feel like theres a void, that empty chill in your stomach you get when you eat something cold.
Ice cream before it melts in your mouth, followed by that awful brainfreeze.
But there is no brain freeze, just a chill.
I'm on autopilot, not really there, but watching. A detached puppet on automated strings. My actions are preordained.
I'm not there, I'm living and breathing, but I'm not there.
Detached is a good word to describe it, I'm on a seperate penacle than the others now.
Sometimes I want to just fade away into nothing.
I'm already a ghost, already gone, but my body is still visible to the world.
I sometimes feel like it isnt worth it. End it, get it over with.
I've always hated that emo-bull, talking about death and how lovely it is.
It isnt nice, death is scary, it is twisted. It is not something someone should wish for.
Another moment of weakness and I'm sure my sanity will snap in two.
Nothing makes sense anymore, its distorted and warped.
I need to stop. Take a deep breath and try not to have a panic attack.
Breath once.
Exhale.
Try again, Shawn.
My education is shot to hell, can no longer afford night courses at the University so I'm left to wallow in the cess pit at Starbucks.
Loaded up on caffeine and a variety of pills [Prescribed of course], I always feel in a daze.
Another analogy: Its like a fog is ever present, obscurring the world from my sight so it seems as if I'm not entirely there.
Or I'm just spacy, like Josh says.
Sick to my stomach again, wow I typed a lot.
First Journal in months.
Maybe I'll go lay down.
Catch some Z's.
Hit the hay.
I'm sure you catch my drift.
Edit: Wow. I am never typing after my meds again. New Title is very appropriate.
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