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I dunno what's wrong with me. |
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I just dunno what's wrong with me now. I've been extremely irritable all day, but that's because of my recent lack of sleep. I've been a walking zombie for the past week. No, for the past three weeks. I haven't been getting sleep, I haven't really been all that close with anyone, I'm constantly getting into fights... I mean, honestly, why? I need to be around people constantly or I get anxious. I have an incredible need to be around Steven more often now. Whenever I'm not around him, I think of... him. It depresses me and puts me into panic attacks that are hard for me to deal with. That's why I want to see him constantly... However, he needs his space, and he's busy now-a-days. I mean, he's always busy. Sometimes I feel bad for even asking to hang out with him because I know he has other stuff to do. He's been hanging out with his parents a lot more and a loss less with me. Is it wrong for me to be slightly jealous of them? I mean, I love it that he's being around them a lot more often. He needs them just as much as they need him, but I wish I could see him more often. We hung out one time last week. That hasn't happened in around eight months, and that was before we were dating. I keep getting this small nagging feeling that maybe he's just not interested anymore. He hardly talks to me and I feel like he's leaving me behind, like a toddler when they move on from their old toy to a new one. The problem is, I know he's not doing it. I know that's not how things actually are. However, I still feel this way and I can't seem to get over it. I've even started thinking he only wants me for sex. It's completely ridiculous though; he's not like that. If anything I'm the one that's closest to being that way. I dunno why I keep thinking all these twisted thoughts. I'm having a hard time figuring out what's real and what isn't. Even if I do know what's real and what isn't, it doesn't matter. I still feel like it is, and it messed me up. All I want to do is cry. Cry because I feel like I'm all alone and like nobody cares about me. It's not true, of course. There are a lot of people out there who care. I know they do. It just doesn't feel like it. All everyone does is yell at me for things I don't do. The only person that makes me feel like they care and like they love me is Steven. I don't get to see him all that often now though, so I feel even worse than I did before. I sorta wish we were at school again... I would get to see him every day, even if it was only for five minutes. God I want to see him so bad. I just want him to hold me so I can feel safe in his arms. Know that I won't be able to hurt myself if I'm around him. He will protect me from anything, including myself. He's such a good guy. I guess I just need a friend right now. I friend I can sit down and talk to face to face, and know that they care. I can't do that though; none of my friends have time for me. I don't trust them enough to talk to them about this either. The friends I do trust don't live here. I miss Kat so much. I want her to move back. She's always there for me. All I have to do is tell her I need help and she'll calm me down, even if she doesn't know what's wrong. God I miss her... and I miss Dwight. I miss Dwight a lot. He was my best friend. He was the only one that I felt comfortable with txting at four in the morning if I needed anything. We would stay up all night talking... he would even let me fall asleep while on the phone with him, and he would make sure I was asleep before he hung up. God I feel so empty without him. Whenever I needed him, no matter what time of the day or night, he would always talk to me and make sure I was okay. It's so weird with Steven because it's not like that. I mean, I do feel empty without him, but I'm not comfortable enough with calling him at random times. I hardly ever call him during the day, when it's perfectly okay to do it. He also wouldn't do some of the things Dwight did; I know I'd be the one talking him to sleep if we were to be on the phone for long periods of time during night time. I guess after almost seven months I haven't really got used to him in some ways. It's weird though; you'd think the things I don't feel comfortable doing are the ones that should be easy for me to do. Like call him to ask how he's doing or ask him to come over. I'm such a complicated individual... I wish I still went to my counselor. He would give me a chance to vent to someone about everything and I would have an excuse to have Steven hang out with me more often. God that's a horrible thing to say. Making up excuses to hang out with my fiance. What's wrong with me? Ugh, I just need some sleep. Hopefully crying a bit will help relieve me from all this heartache.
 Annabella Goddess Of Ice · Wed Jun 10, 2009 @ 07:56am · 0 Comments |
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