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I feel unappreciated and useless. When I had a job and money, I could go out and buy whatever I wanted. Small stuff, but it made me feel better about myself. If I could afford it, I would get it if I wanted to get something really badly. If my mum needed money, I could buy her stuff. I would buy my sister stuff all the time. Now what? I can't even afford a pack of gum. I have three dollars left, and all I wanted was ice cream. My mum said she'd buy it for me if I gave her the money, and then ended up bitching at me and saying she wouldn't get it. She would go to wal-mart anyway, but she still bitched about it. My sister, however, asked her to go all the way to Hobby Lobby to get some fabric. Okay? It's kinda like... what the ********? You'd rather do that and go miles and miles away from home to get fabric. And yet she couldn't just go to a different isle in wal-mart to get me the ice cream she promised? Even though I'm technically paying for it? She said she'd get it if I ate, and I did like the dumbass I am. She also told me I had to fill out an application to get a job I don't want but unfortunately need. So I did. She's been bitching at me all day long, even though I haven't done anything to her. Then I txt my sister to see if maybe she'll be nice enough to get my mum to stop to get me ice cream. So what does she do? Txt me back saying my mum gets her s**t because she actually goes out with her. I told both my mum and her that I have really bad sun burns, and that it hurts to go out while the sun's still up. They just don't get it nor care. One of my friends wanted me to go to the movies with her, but I'm flat broke, so I can't. Sucks because friends and distractions is what I need right now. Everyone keeps asking me if I want to hang out and if I want to go with my fiance. Since Steven now has a job at night, I want him to get as much sleep as he can, so asking him to hang out a few hours before work is out of the question. I have a feeling I'm not gonna get to see him for a while. I'm glad he has a job though, and I don't want him to be tired all of the time, so I'm not gonna ask him to hang out with me as much. I guess once a month should be fair though, right? So I guess as long as I ask to see him once a month should be fine. If he wants to see me he can just tell me whenever he's free and then we can get together. Just thinking about it kinda makes me want to cry... not seeing him as much is gonna be hard. I have to be strong though. Nobody thinks I am though, and I want to prove them wrong. My dad called me a thief for something I didn't even do. It pissed me off so much. He let me have some of his chocolate the other day, and I took a little piece. He said I ate half of the whole thing, and that's why my sister didn't get any and why I would never get anything from him again. It was probably my mum that ate it, but no. Everything is always automatically my fault. Sometimes I seriously wonder if they regret having me. I mean, they always complain about me. How I'm never gonna be the brain surgeon my cousin is, or how I don't get good enough grades. Or even how I don't know what I want to do with my life. They criticize me for everything; that I'm fat, that I'm ugly, that I don't do s**t around the house, that I don't take care of my pets, that I'm lazy as ********, that I spend too much time on the computer, that I have no friends, that I don't play enough sports, that I don't have money... I'm sick of it all. I'm sick on relying on them again. I just wish someone would see me walking down the street and think, "Hey, that girl would be perfect for the role of [insert movie here]!!! We should hire her!!!" And then have that movie be kick a** and make me rich and famous. Life doesn't work like that unfortunately. I'm so sick of it. I'm sick of living with myself. I hate myself, I honestly do. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I act, I hate the way I talk, I hate the way I think, I hate what I am. I don't want to deal with myself anymore than anyone else does. When my dad gave me a little piece of chocolate, I eat it slowly thinking how great it would be if I could get such a bad allergic reaction that it would land me in a coma or kill me. Then I remembered I needed to take my medicine and thought about overdosing. That's all I wanted to do; to take all the damn pills in the ******** orange bottle and go to sleep. Sleep forever and not having to see myself in a mirror ever again. I wish I could find a way to kill myself with my thoughts. It would be amazing if I could. It'd be an easy way out, and I don't give a s**t how "cowardly" that is. I don't want to be "brave," I just don't want to live with myself anymore. I also want to starve myself. I want to be anorexic so my parents will finally leave me alone about being fat. Secretly, that's the reason why I wanted to be vegetarian. I was starting to cut down on food until I was barely eating anything at all. First off, cutting off all meat. Then cutting off everything else. I was doing really good too, but getting light headed after dancing non-stop for hours made me extremely hungry and I ended up eating a burger last night. I hate myself for it. I wish I could just not eat anything and just starve myself to death. I don't care how long it takes, I just want to die. People should be careful with what they say to me, because I'm about to reach my limit. I don't care anymore, the second I reach it, I'm gonna do something about it. I don't care about the consequences. All I care about really is that I'm going to hurt Steven, Harry, and Stevey. And the only friends that I really think care about me, like Stephie and my friends here on Gaia. But even then, I'm not giving them as much thought as I should. *sighs* I just want to cry right now, but I can't. I refuse to show my emotions anymore. I'm gonna get rid of them once and for all.