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I was reading the news paper while eating lunch. The article was about a 12 year-old who survived for 13 hours in the ocean after her plane crashed. She was the only surviver. My mother was behind me, getting her coffee.
"Isn't that quite a story?" She asked, sitting down.
"Yep" I replied, not moving my eyes from the page. She was looking at me, I could just feel her gaze. I slowly looked up. "Yes?"
She brushed my hair from my face. "I just want to ask you something. I won't ask a billion times, just once. Ok?" She reassured me.
I became concerned. "What is it?"
"So, on the cruise, five girls had their cell phones?"
I thought. "Ye-es. I'm pretty sure."
My mom looked down. "Do you think that the adults knew?"
"You mean the parents?"
"Yeah,"
I frowned, searching my memory. "I don't think Sue and Michele knew..I'm not sure about the others."
There was a pause, then mom sighed. "It seemed like a small thing to ask. Just leave their phones behind." She traced her coffee cup absently. "They signed the agreement."
My heart grew heavy. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."
"When did you find out?" She asked curiously.
"Uh, I think it was one of the first days. We were in the teen hot-tub."
"Well, then it couldn't have been Sunday, everyone was sick that day." Mom flashed a brief smile.
"Yeah, I think it was Saterday. We were playing Truth and Dare and the question was "Did you bring your cell-phone?"."
"But Olivia and Aubrey didn't bring their's?
"Yeah, we were the only three that didn't." I gently closed the paper. "I didn't want to tell, partly because I thought I'd get mauled by the others. They would know who told. I also didn't say anything because I didn't want to get involved."
"It's ok. You would've been the Leader's daughter that tattled."
"I did say that if they used their phones, I would tell the adults. Of course, that's kinda like blackmail."
Mom laughed.
I sighed with feigned regret. "All those wasted opportunities. I could've totally held it over their heads. Darn"
Mom got quiet again. "Its hard. Brie, Katrina and Courtney asked for refrences. Its really upsetting to know that they are ok with asking me for refrences and then doing something deceiving. I don't know how I'm supposed to approach this. Do I let it go? Or bring it up?" She sighed. "Hopefully an opportunity will present itself at one of the meetings."
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you." I said again.
"Did they even use them?"
I snorted. "Not too much. I don't think Courtney even had hers out. Of course, neither me, Olivia or Aubrey were in the other cabin, so I don't know how much they used theirs. They didn't even use them for clocks."
Mom looked confused, then laughed. "What would be the point in bringing them? I suppose its just for the thrill of getting away with something they're not supposed to be doing."
I sighed and stared outside. " Instead of blackmailing them, I should've siad "You guys put me in a very awkward position." That at least would've made them think about what they were doing."
"Yeah, then you could've just left it at that."
"Yeah and if the parents had known, it's not like the girls would've been alone on shore."
Mom sighed and placed her head in her hands. "Its not like the parents couldn't come to me with their concerns. I wasn't even the one who proposed this! It was Kerolyn to suggest that the girls leave their phones. THEN I waited until Sue and Michele to agree before I opened my mouth."
When my mom starts to share these kind of things with me, I know she's a little lost and a more than a little disappointed.
"I guess that my ideals are too lofty." She continued.
I picked up my now empty lunch plate and placed it near the sink. "No, your goals are reasonable. What's unreasonable is their...attachment to their phones. I did not miss my phone at all. It was nice not having to worry about it."
"yeah...and if they used their phones when we were on sea or in Victoria they will get extra charges. Plus I think that the criuse line's base is in Burmuda. So they'll get more charges from that."
"So, if their parents didn't know that they brought their phones, they'll know when they pay the extra money this month. Then maybe they'll come to you."
Mom shrugged. "We'll see."
I was still standing. I began drift toward the stairs. Mom saw and said. "Thanks for talking, dear."
I climbed the stairs, to my room. With every step, my guilt grew. I had been sneaky, gave really lame excuses and let my mother down. The fact of the matter is, I didn't tell anyone because I was afriad of what my friends would think. I am a coward.
I decided to write this conversation down. I saw how hurt my mom was from this betrayal of trust. I want to make it up to mom; one of the only things I'm good at is writing.
Chaucer said in "The Knight's Tale'- I will eviscerate you in fiction. Every pimple, every character flaw. I was naked for a day; you will be naked for eternity." Only sometimes its not your enemies, but yourself that will lay naked for eternity.