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Yeah, yeah. I feel retarded about the whole idea now. Things are going okay, so far, but--my god--things are just getting to complicated.

Okay, here's the problem. My parents got a divorce sometime last summer. The only grandparents I really have are the ones still living at my old home town. Well, as most of you know, I've moved away from there, and because of the lack of contact and conversation i've had with them, I sudden don't want to have anything to do with them. I don't like or even WANT to talk to them. I just want to stay here, in this town and never leave it because i'm afraid. I don't no why, but i'm just so scared of going back to places i've been.

When I visit my old home town, I'm not welcomed by hugs and squeals like some of my friends do when I walk up on that porch and knock on the door. No, most of the people I know in that town hate me, because they think they know exactly who and what I am. They all think that they can just carve a gothic guys initials on some 'body part', or talk about how they get high, or wear black hoodies, they think their cool. Me? Well, sure. I admit, I have played around with the kitchen knife, but that's a habbit broken many season ago.

My grandmother added me to her MSN list(might I add that I never knew she actually had MSN). I was unsure if I should accept her, but I did. I knew what she wanted to know about. I never spent one Christmas without my grandparents. I was so confuzed. I feel so guilty now. . . This is the conversation we had. . .

Date Time From To Message
12/20/2005 9:29:09 PM Grandma Tess (u)Terri(u) Your halo's slipping down... Your halo's slippin' down, to choke you now. . . Theresa, are you coming for Christmas, you have a very big box to open.
12/20/2005 9:29:25 PM (u)Terri(u) Your halo's slipping down... Your halo's slippin' down, to choke you now. . . Grandma Tess I'm not sure
12/20/2005 9:34:08 PM Grandma Tess (u)Terri(u) Your halo's slipping down... Your halo's slippin' down, to choke you now. . . Why don't you know? You let me know as soon as you can. Right now I'm in Kansas City. Remember we love you.
12/20/2005 9:34:48 PM (u)Terri(u) Your halo's slipping down... Your halo's slippin' down, to choke you now. . . Grandma Tess Ya, I know. I'll let you know ASAP.
12/20/2005 9:39:24 PM Grandma Tess (u)Terri(u) Your halo's slipping down... Your halo's slippin' down, to choke you now. . . Honey, I'll let you go now because I have a meeting a 8:00 a.m and I need some sleep. LOVE YOU
12/20/2005 9:40:02 PM (u)Terri(u) Your halo's slipping down... Your halo's slippin' down, to choke you now. . . Grandma Tess Okay. I love you, too.
12/20/2005 9:42:09 PM Grandma Tess (u)Terri(u) Your halo's slipping down... Your halo's slippin' down, to choke you now. . . Honey before I go to bed is everything okay because we haven't heard from you in along time.
12/20/2005 9:42:28 PM (u)Terri(u) Your halo's slipping down... Your halo's slippin' down, to choke you now. . . Grandma Tess Yeah, everything fine.
12/20/2005 9:46:30 PM Grandma Tess (u)Terri(u) Your halo's slipping down... Your halo's slippin' down, to choke you now. . . Would you tell me if it wasn"t.
12/20/2005 9:46:47 PM (u)Terri(u) Your halo's slipping down... Your halo's slippin' down, to choke you now. . . Grandma Tess Yeah.
12/20/2005 9:47:27 PM Grandma Tess (u)Terri(u) Your halo's slipping down... Your halo's slippin' down, to choke you now. . . Okay honey GOOD NIGHT
12/20/2005 9:47:45 PM (u)Terri(u) Your halo's slipping down... Your halo's slippin' down, to choke you now. . . Grandma Tess Night!

It's hard to read, but that's the first and only convo we've ever had on MSN so far... I just feel so guilty. I can't find the nerve to tell her that I don't want to spend X-mas with her. I also feel guilt because the last time I havn't had any contact with her in real life, she almost cryed. I can't stand to watch her cry infront of me like this. I don't want my grandparents to cry or get depressed all because of me. . .

Am almost close to tears right now, and I don't want my mother to hear me, so I'm ending my entry right now. . .

Please leave a message here to help me out on what I should do, here. . .