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So, since you get gold for journaling, I think I should try and do it more often. till I get my really cool REAL journal, anyways! Then most of my thoughts would go in there! ^_^


So, my grandmother is in the hospital. it's hard to think about most of the time, and telling people doesn't help as much as I thought it would. There's really no way to make any of the pain or fear or anger go away right now. Since I live with my grandparents, it's a really big blow that she isn't going to be home soon and that she isn't improving. She is the mother that I wish mine was. She is stable and caring and puts me first. I feel like I can go to her if I need help or someone to celebrate with. I don't feel this connection with either of my actual parents, both of whom seem to go out of their way to make me feel like a burden when I ask them for something.
It's hard to see my grandfather suffer silently too. Both he and I feel like we need to be strong for one another, and instead of getting easier, it feels like it is constantly getting harder. Nothing seems to be going right and here lately it feels like the ones trying to help us are really trying to tear us away from eachother.
Maybe I am selfish, but I need her to live. I am so not ready for her to not be in my life right now. I neeed her now, more then ever. I hate watching her get weaker everyday, and not being able to help her out of her Hell. I hate having to stand by and watch my grandfather as he is forced to watch his one and only Love take one step forward, only to be pushed two steps back. There is nothing I can do for either of them now except sit and wait for whatever happens next, and hope like hell that it doesn't get worse.


Send me strength, please. I could use some more.



.:sPiDeR:.