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I’d love to say I have a role model, but in truth I don’t. My family members aren’t too influential. Recently, my dad’s been scoffing at me. I’m the family failure, you know? The one person in the family everyone knows won’t make it. My family members have no respect for me. My 7-year old brother barely listens to me. It’s bothersome, really. The fact that no one respects me. I know why though. It’s because I don’t push myself. I don’t work hard. I’m not one of those people with ambition.

Except, I’ve just realized this recently. I have no ambition. No actual dreams. I’m barely living now. But, I guess through all of this, the most I can say, is…. At least I know, right? At least I know I won’t amount to anything. Because it would feel a bit crushing--- suffocating, perhaps---- if I were to realize this in the very end.

I don’t know why I’m like this. Sometimes I feel like there are so many things wrong with me. So many different ways. It’s like someone cut me open and hollowed me out, because I don’t really feel like I used to. I truly don’t care any more. Don’t get me wrong; I care a bit. I care enough to know I can’t completely ******** up on the SATs, or on my G.P.A. But otherwise, I don’t know.

I like not caring. Not feeling, like I’m numb. Because it desensitizes me to situations. No expectations, you know? But I have a feeling it’s contributing to this thing I’m becoming.

I don’t care too much for a career. The only constant I’ve ever wanted was someone who loves me. Not a relative, or a friend, of course. I just feel like things would be more complete if someone out there really loved me; you know? But recently I’ve been thinking that won’t happen either.
I have these day dreams where I’m in this passionate relationship. But then I kind of wake up, and I realize 10, 20 years down the line I’ll probably be living in some crappy apartment. Alone and Untouched. If I’m lucky I’ll live in new york. But that’s highly unlikely.

Maybe I just need a good cry? I haven’t had one of those in a while. They always feel good for women. It’s a nice release. But I haven’t cried since that time in school, and before that was that time in history.

But I know, some day I’ll look back into this account, my heart full of nostalgia. And I’ll read and re-read this entry, thinking of how things were back then.

I used to think I’d be something great when I was 16. Something like my sister. But I’m nothing from my thoughts. I’m much too far from my dreams.