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I am so restless tonight. Sad, anxious ... worried - forgot to take my antidepressant this morning, that's why ... probably. Lonely ... so lonely ... I could scream ... trapped in my tiny little room by myself ... longing to be loved ... Wanting adventure, hope, life, love ... Heavy pain tonight.

I wish I had someone to hold me like Ellie is holding Scar in that story - someone there to let me know that everything's going to be alright and that we're always going to be together ...

Shameful confession:

I am browsing through a Christian dating website right now >.> Just as a guest.

When I get really, really lonely and wonder if there's anyone else out there looking, especially other Christians, I find this somehow comforting, but also sad at the same time. Because I've never seen him ... I wonder if I'd know it just from seeing his face - I think I probably would suspect, at least - there are so few guys that I find deeply attractive physically. That's just silly - it's not like I'm some all-out gorgeous girl that would be ill-fit for some nice-looking but fairly ordinary guy. Why is what I am attracted to so out of my league?! It's maddening ...

I feel like I'm going to know him when I see him - that there'll be something about his face ... he'll be different in some way that appeals to me. And as I get to know him, I will know that God prepared us for each other ... made us in such a way that we would uniquely suited to deeply love, appreciate, understand, and treasure each other ... *sighs* Where are you?

I keep trying to believe in God's best. God has a mate for me that He designed for me and is designing me for. Me?! This old hunk of junk that I am?! Absurd ... I can't see it ... *sighs* I think I might sign off for awhile and mope and write ... I feel kind of low tonight ...