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I must admit, that last entry was pretty emo. But I felt like writing it, and ******** you if you have nothing nice to say about it.
Now that I'm done with that, onward to business.
Lately I've been feeling more and more depressed. I'm starting to wonder if this is affecting me physically as well. I just can't seem to ignore it like I once could; I used to be able to stoically let all this s**t pass me by. Now it seems to hit me hard and drive me to my knees. I can't stand this feeling. It's beyond a numb expanse of indifference, it's beyond depression. I feel as if a gun would solve this problem now.
But! At the same time, I refuse to kill myself. I refuse to surrender. I won't let my life end just because of tiny, unimportant s**t that, I hope, will end soon. As one of my teachers once told me, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I'll find another way.
Still... I feel as if...
Let's just say this; don't be too surprised, my friends, if one day you see a suicide note posted on here (enclosed to all but my friends, of course). This is not that note, I swear that. And I swear I will try as hard as I can to avoid that path.
But it does nag at me; what's the point? If I'm suffering in this life, then why not end it? Why continue here? I don't believe suicide ends me up in a bad place, for I'm not christian, but I wonder sometimes why people freak out when another mentions suicide (though if I do, it tends to be ignored). I understand we're indocternated as children that suicide is wrong, but tell me who says that and isn't religious. If your atheist, and you believe in nothing after, then why is human life sacred enough not to end itself if it no longer wants to exist? If you're religious, would any kind, higher power really want you to suffer for trying to escape mortal pain? Why would you not want your friend to end it if that friend doesn't want to live any more. Suicide isn't selfish; friends who beg a truly miserable, suicidal friend not to kill himself is selfish, for they only want that person to remain so they may be with them, but is your selfish enjoyment worth their pain? Are those people that twistedly selfish?
If a person feels they no longer should live, try to help their situation, and don't just beg them not to do it. If all else fails, perhaps they're better off dead, for their own sake. Don't be selfish. Try to help first. Then let them do what's best after all else has failed.
Just my thoughts on this. Again, this IS NOT a suicide note. You'll know if I ever post one.