If these had titles, this one would be called Fears. *sigh* Warning: Mature content ahead.
No, I'm not going to list my phobias. That would be silly and time-consuming. I'm talking about those weird fears I keep locked deep within me. Right now I just need a place to work out some things, and so this journal is the place. x__X
One of my biggest fears since ... Six years ago, now (right after I was put into foster care) has been of girlfriends. Not of people being girlfriends, but of getting my own. I don't know how to act. I don't know what to do, how to say no, all those things. (This would also apply to boyfriends, but I'm much more comfortable telling a boyfriend to ******** off than a girlfriend, mostly because I've had more practice with it.) Because of certain events, this fear is huge and now kind of runs across all future relationships. It's now no longer just a fear of girlfriends (I have a new fear of bringing a boy or girl home to meet my homophobic, you-must-get-married-before-you're-twenty-five family ><; ). It's a fear of the sexual expectation.
I don't like coming out in the first place because I know some people don't think asexuals even exist. Some people peg me as a demisexual (most don't even know it's got a name. "You just haven't found the right one!" God, I hate that response the most. I've made deeply intimate emotional connections with people and have never, ever, wanted to have sex with them. Or anyone). Some even give me looks of disgust. I haven't exactly come out to a whole lot of people, but I've only gotten maybe three or four positive reactions. =/ Actually, one person I came out to (over IRC ... Got that was embarrassing) thought I was a man. With erectile dysfunction. As soon as he found out I was a girl, it was okay, though! stare That's another issue to be discussed at a later date, though.
So for me to tell someone I'm going to be dating that I'm asexual will have to be a priority. I'm afraid of the bad reactions, though. I don't want them thinking that I'll come around to it eventually. I don't want them thinking I'm just being frigid. I don't want them to think that I'm just trying to get attention. If that ever happened ... God, I don't even know. I'm really terrified of the 'try it once, you'll like it' and 'it's for your own good' kind of responses. >////>; But that response is an issue not to be discussed here, ever. *sigh*
I think I'll stop here. My thoughts are getting jumbled.
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Tii Len
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